By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger
Back in New York, and the women have missed their mens! Ramona is at a fancy hotel, pouring a hearty glass of Peens Greegs and getting in the mood. You might remember that she’s a businesswoman, so she has to find time for intimacy with Mario. Brightly lit, rose petal strewn, lingerie wearing intimate sexy time. Her lips are so plumped by some kind of filler she can barely speak. So she waits, lips permanently pursed.
And we go to Brooklyn where Simon and Alex are smacking each other with dishtowels in the kitchen. Out come the oysters. Of course. “No other husbands met their wives at the airport with flowers,” Alex points out. “Not that many girls still have husbands,” Simon answers bitchily but truthfully. I usually defend Silex because I think they are harmless nerds but last week with the sexy skyping and now with this cheesy lead up to nookie scene they are totally grossing me out.
Ramona and her lips are still waiting. Here comes Mario, looking awkward, like he didn’t realize he was still on a reality show. “Wait, you guys are still here?” He’s kind of hawtt. Ramona brings up the fortune teller. Mario seems to stutter for a second but I have to think its because he’s on the spot, right? The other woman is Avery. Yes, of course. I’m sure that’s what the fortune teller meant. I hope he and Ramona are ok, especially after all that money they spent last season renewing their vows, but I’m sure a guy that good looking who is willing to be married to Ramona and live this weird life is not averse to cheating. Ugh.
Back to Simon and Alex’s bordello and out comes a basket full of panties. I simply love it when my husband buys me a basket full of panties! What a perfect gift. How can Alex say “basket of panties” with a straight face? Here comes the fashion show. Gross. Give me a spin he says. Creeptastic! As Cindy said in her Bravo blog, someone get this woman a spray tan. She looks nice in the red – “teddy?” Is that what they call that? Now they are going to have sex.
Back to Mario – he really does look uncomfortable – could that be because he actually does have a modicum of shame? “I’m having a great time!” he says, while Ramona gets out the oil for a mini massage. Love how he put on his sports pants for this. Ramona talks about they how have a spark. Her lips keep getting caught on her teeth. They are both drinking and smiling and steeling themselves for something. Now they are going to have sex.
Finally, that’s over. Cindy and her brother are in the office, talking dirty about attorneys, legal fees, contracts. Cindy shows the pictures from the trip to Howie and her assistant, and they are appropriately bored in the way people always are when you show your vacation pictures to them. Turns out Sonja edited Cindy out of all the pictures, which she then admits to in a confessional. That’s really mean and weird. Howie stayed with her kids while she was in Morocco, but with the two nannies. He makes fun of her glasses. They are totally flirting.
Sonja and her niece are going to the dermatologist she met in trampoline class. Naturally. Sonja hasn’t seen him for a while because he was running a marathon in Bucharest and Barcelona between trampoline classes and Dior appointments. WTF moment. Sonja decides to go for the most expensive facial on the menu and during the treatment the aesthetician tells her she read about Sonja’s bankruptcy in the paper. Buzz kill. Sonja keeps her tags her expensive clothes to remind herself of the prices. I’m sure it’s so she doesn’t take everything back to the store eventually.
Speaking of shopping, Jill comes back from Morocco haggier than ever, and takes Bawby to the tailor so she can talk over him and assert said hagginess. Her teeth look new and areas of her skin too. I love Bawby so hard. He likes a sheen in his suit fabric. She won’t let him even have a pocket. And makes him put her initials on it! What a mensch is Bawby.
LuAnn and the French Balkie only go to French bistros. How trite, but is aiight and makes LuAnn look good. I wish I could say I’m happy for her, but I intensely dislike her. She talks of having a sense of humor with Jacques and how important it is in life, but hers is only intermittent.
Jill’s Skweez™ shape wear meeting! Sonja’s broke so she’s here for the free cheese. Alex and Cindy bring up the bankruptcy. Business disputes – who doesn’t have ‘em? Sonja’s only 19 million in debt because of judgments. Speaking of judgments, here comes Jill. Who’s basically a lawyer because she’s related to a lot of lawyers. Alex, as usual, is practical. Sonja needs a friend, not a Jill dog jumping all over her. Great, LuAnn is here. UCH. Its tense with Alex since the showdown at the riad. She wants to meet with LuAnn one on one, Luann agrees in a bitchy way.
Jill is a real woman and wants opinions from real women, except Ramona, who is not invited to the Skweez™ shape wear opinion meeting. Jill can’t trust her — this (“skweezing?”) is how she makes a living. She lost her Kodak deal because of Ramona. Alex doesn’t like this, not one bit. Alex is the conscience of the show now. She is in everyone’s business, but she is usually right. Ramona is a professional fashion industry person. She knows things about how big to make your logo and where to put lace.
Ramona and Alex are at a restaurant and the lighting is just lovely. Alex spills that Jill had the Skweez™ shape wear meeting earlier in the day and didn’t invite Ramona, who looks genuinely hurt. It’s not nice. Ramona is so into business. Jill has fucked with Ramona’s stuff too, Ramona is right. She came to her TruRenewal™ party ands started her mouth right up. Just explain – I’m doing an event and I’m not inviting you, but I’m inviting the others, Ramona says reasonably. Jill is not communicating again. Ramona says she’s sad that Jill is not going to change. She says she knows what Jill is and that Jill knows that she knows that she knows. You know? Also, Jill is a woman who only likes you when you’re down – when you’re happy she’s jealous. Good call Ramona. If she were Sonja with Jill asking her a million questions about her bankruptcy, “I’d smack the shit out of her.” Alex discloses a certain flask she keeps in her purse!? Whoa. OK. Awesome.
Kelly only appears once in this episode with her kids and her friend the photographer. They are doing a family portrait with their dogs. Sorry, I really don’t understand people who stage their dogs. Just not at all into that. I hope Kelly, fer friend, and the kids don’t all shower in a row at the beach house because that’s a lot long layered hair in the drain.
Ramona and Sonja have a sit down. The blondes are getting really good lighting today. Sonja is being cool. She seems truly sad. Her home is at risk, which sucks. Ramona is trying to be a good friend. She is there for her and knows Sonja will be ok. Liking Ramona. Go blondes!
LuAnn and Alex also sit down. They are here to discuss what happened between them in Morocco. This is gonna be tense. Hate. That. Beyotch. LuAnn. LuAnn immediately starts to interrupt and be defensive. “I can’t possibly guess what you have to discuss with me that makes you unhappy.” With that look on her face! Alex – “we have always had a smile and nod relationship. If people are friends or happy acquaintances they have to be able to come to each other with a legitimate gripe.” Alex is a very articulate person. Luann keeps darlinging and interrupting her.
Maybe LuAnn has a point that Alex puts herself in the middle too often, but that’s no reason for LuAnn to be “condescending, haughty, dismissive and frankly, vile.” YESSSS! “I’ve been nothing but friendly, gracious and kind to you,” Luann says like she’s the fucking Queen Mother.
“I didn’t know this was Alex class,” LuAnn says after Alex tells her she’s listening better than she did during the henna tattoo confrontation. She has no self-awareness – she actually thinks she’s better than Alex. “You’re the one who came to me and tried to bully me in my own SALON where I was having a henna tattoo!” OMG. Who says that??? It wasn’t your salon says Alex and you’re the one who forced me to talk in front of the cameras and other peoples. LuAnn is losing – she doesn’t want to argue. She thought “this was going to be a nice meeting where they would have a cappuccino.” Shows your delusion says Alex. Yes! Here comes the Herman Munster shoes line, you Klassy Kountess you. Alex is doing great. Not going to prostrate herself and kiss LuAnn’s ring.
“Get a life” is LuAnn’s parting line. And she storms out. She suxxxx.
Alex totally won. Yay Alex.
xo
