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Put on a Top Hat and Forget Your Troubles


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RHONY Episode 14 Recap

Frankly people, I can’t be bothered to watch this episode a second time in order to write a pithy recap. My normal “process” is to watch the show once through and then again to take notes so I can maybe I can make myself laugh through the tears of the heinousness that is RHONY. But this episode, and this series, is really beginning to fatigue your girl Sheer Elegance. Its gotten so bad that I’m desperately searching the Bravo website to see how may more shows we have to sit through this season. And the answer is 2 more shows and then the reunion show, which will likely be stretched into ten episodes.

Anyway. I’m just going with what stuck out when I watched Thursday. If there are scenes or details missing I apologize. I’ll rally eventually.

Sonja is bankrupt but can’t resist another costume party, so she goes shopping for burlesque themed garments at Patricia Fields with her stylist, Ramona, and Avery. Avery is sharp and skeptical about her mother wearing a bustier and a short skirt, saying wisely, “her ass will hang out” of one chosen skirt and that “she’s not 20 anymore…”

RHONY Episode 13 Recap: Cyber Bullies and the Women Who Love Them

More parties! Not to be outdone by her daughter’s blowout last episode, Ramona decides to throw a soiree for herself. She brings Kelly and Alex into some kind of space age looking party space with swings and shag carpeting, with yet another event planner. I guess Ramona didn’t like the last two she used for her vow renewal and Avery’s Sweet Sixteen, or else the Housewives keep using new ones every week to get everything for free. Likely the latter.

Ramona decides to do something nice for her poor bankrupted friend Sonja – throw her a scrap and let her be part of the birthday party, too – but make it a surprise. Kelly is all, “Ramona, the tone of your voice is so sensitive right now. I can hear it.” Kelly is a total freak. She has nice hair but she sucks otherwise.

Yikes.

More

RHONY Episode 12 Recap : Party Like It’s Pre-2008

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

OMG Event planning! Ramona Avery and LuAnn Victoria are both turning sixteen and are planning Super Sweet Sixteen parties. “Man, you definitely look like you’re more than sixteen,” says Anthony, LuAnn’s creepy event planner. Avery is bitchy. “Mom, it’s not your party! I need 10, 000 square feet. You can have, like five guests.” LuAnn just wants her daughter to have a simple little party, you know, like at a nightclub in Manhattan called Arena, because, “It’s like an arena.” Avery does not want a winter wonderland theme. She does not want performers, because it will seem like a Bat Mitzvah. She likes control and she does not like break dancing. She doesn’t, like, want a Hollywood theme. Anthony suggests an ice luge with mocktails sliding down it for Victoria. She seems into it.

There will be none of this nonsense.

Avery is a stone cold killer, while Victoria seems more shy and grateful to her mom. I am having palpitations watching these Housewife mothers with their Housewife daughters. I want my 4 year old to never grow, ever.

Sonja comes to Jill’s dermatologist’s office to meet with Jill’s sister the lawyer about her bankruptcy problems. I too like to conduct all my meetings at my dermatologist. It’s just convenient, and I like the chairs.

Read the full recap here…



Poor Sonja. “I’m a lover, a gardener, a hostess. I’m not Donald Trump filing chapter 11.” Jill’s sister is good on TV and good at explaining money stuff. I suspect she’ll have a show soon on Bravo. Meeting over. Let’s go watch Jill get a “liquid facelift” by getting needles stuck up to her brain by a name brand doctor. “Ok, let’s enjoy ourselves,” Sonja says, ironically. Sister still got her sense of humor. Ouchie! That looks like it fucking kills. The dermatologist loves loves loves loves doing it. It makes her so happy. Sorry, that is just a strange thing to say. Maybe she loves the way her patients look afterwards, but can she really like the process? Can you imagine a pediatrician saying, “I love giving these shots to kids!” Is it really worth getting this for free Jill? Gross.

LuAnn and Cindy are planning a surprise party at Chez Josephine, a restaurant run by Elton John. Bawby is here in one of his new suits Jill picked out for him last week. Bawby!!

Really couldn’t be more pleased to have them.

Ramona invites LuAnn to Avery’s party and seems surprised that Luann is having her daughter’s party on the same night. She is being competitive with her number of guests and undermining LuAnn left and right. Luann tries to pass her off to the magician and Ramona is incredibly rude to him – talking over him as he attempts to his sad little tricks. Here comes Simon wearing a caftan made with Zarin fabrics! Murray Hill the drag king says he’s dressed like a lesbian, which Ramona finds high-larious.

Everyone thinks its Jill coming through the door but false alarm, its only Howie’s girlfriend making a face like she swallowed something in the car on the way over. Oh hi Howie. But now here’s Jill and her hag friend from the Island and their liquid facelifts. She’s surprised! Thought she was going to see a show. “Look what Bawby bought me.” Giant freaking diamonds. She is totally dying right now.

And here is Ramona, undermining in the confessional. The party sucked. The room was narrow, uncomfortable, and she couldn’t talk to people.

Jacques tinkling the keys of the piano. Cindy is funny. Does a nice toast, she’s comfortable in that setting. This is the candle lighting at Bat Mitzvah party Avery did not want. Here’s weirdo Kelly apologizing about the surprise and being late. Look, there’s Michael Musto! Babwy’s toast: “You’re my wife, my lovah, and my best friend. Come mere baby! Kiss and a hug.”

Ramona is typing on her blackberry – “this party needs a jump start.” She puts on a red wig she pulled out of Kelly’s Dora the Explorer Backpack and does a vengeful imitation of Jill. “Bawby, my diamonds aren’t big enough.” While true, it’s not “classy” at all. Pretty mean. Everyone else is being nice. Jill does not like this imitation.

Here comes LuAnn down the stairs in a strapless dress with a giant peacock on her head. She is singing a song she wrote about Jill and channeling Josephine Baker. A huge “woman man” Ramona calls her. “What a bee-yoo-tiful voice” says Jill. Her voice is awful. As far as Housewife parties go, this one looks kind of fun. They seem to be having a good time for once.

LuAnn takes Victoria shopping for a dress, but can’t help picking up something for herself. She’s being ok tonight — self-aware at least for once. Victoria tries on a lot of slutty dresses and settles on one.

Back in Brooklyn, an awesome schlumpy Brooklyn hypnotist with an unspecified accent comes to see Simon and Alex. Simon has tried a couple of times to quit smoking and this guy is here to help. Alex looks skeptical but is going along with it. Simon has to go have one more cigarette before getting hypnotized, which is strange, but addiction is like that I suppose. Simon is doing it for the boys. Alex knows nagging doesn’t work but that doesn’t mean it stops wives like me from trying.

Doing it for the Boys

Hypnotist hypnotizes. I’m surprised he doesn’t dangle a giant pocket watch in front of Simon’s face and say, “you are getting very very sleepy.” Simon slumps over and the hypnotist starts yelling at Simon, “You are a non-smoker!” I love this guy! I want him to come over and yell at me that eating Swedish fish is bad. Simon wakes up and feels like there is a yucky taste in his mouth from the cigs. Alex looks surprised and skeptical. They embrace, to new beginnings. Simon looks not so good so lets hope he is taking care of his weird self and that it isn’t just cigarettes he is abusing.

Next scene is Avery and her friends going to a new restaurant. They walk down the street arm in arm and sit at the table and eat pizza and talk about the party. They seem very glossy and mature and Gossip Girly. Avery basically says that anybody who is anybody from the city is coming to the party. Her BFF saw the guest list and seems to approve, especially since “David” is coming. Ramona tells us in a confessional that Avery has an elite group of friends. And get Justin Beiber to come, one of the Housewives in Training says. Or Katy Perry. Jesus. Elite group indeed.

Cindy and Alex are working out with Cindy’s adorable trainer, which is great, except that Cindy has a stinky hoody. She looks great for having such little kids. She must work out hard and expensively. Cindy doesn’t really seem to get bothered by much. I think I would like to be friends with her and meet her trainer.

Into Avery’s party which is being set up for the night. Avery squeals with her BFF about the furniture and the décor but everyone is afraid of lawsuits so they call off this really exciting fake snow that the party planners were so psyched about. Ramona – who is afraid of no one — looks totally scared of Avery, and I would be too. She is so happy that Avery is happy, but almost as if she is the personal assistant to Mariah Carey or something, like she can never please her and she finally got her to get excited for five minutes.

Mario is very conservative and doesn’t want there to be beds at the party, which really is a natural fit for sixteen year olds. Ramona has convinced him that these are seating. I’m sure Mario knows his way around a cabana bed. He seems much more wary of the cameras than he used to a few seasons ago – I wonder what’s going on behind the scenes here. Ramona is worried about the wine. Hey, event planner lady who looks constantly exasperated, where is that goddamned wine? Seriously. This is going to cost as much as a wedding! How is Ramona this rich again???? She’s very nervous about the wine. She dials a random number on her blackberry and asks for the Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio and um, some vodka. Too bad its Jill’s dermatologist and not the liquor store on Park and 82nd.

Victoria’s party. I’m so excited that the music producer from LuAnn’s single is DJing! Sweet! I think I spotted him at Jill’s surprise party too. Victoria has no problem with performers – people are hanging from the ceiling and juggling. FYI Avery, it doesn’t feel at all like a Bat Mitzvah. Kelly gives her a box of something and has a great Kellyism in a confessional. “Victoria is a cool girl. If she’s not like a Marc Jacobs muse or working for French Vogue in five years, then I don’t know anything.” OMG.

Avery is on the way to her party in the pre-requisite limo with her friends. Their dresses are crazy short, their hair and make-up professional.

The two parties happen to be on the same night, so the Housewives must choose between them. So contrived. Jill and Kelly go first to Victoria’s and arrive next at Ramona’s. Jill makes a dig right away that she’s never seen an adult section at a party like this and its only for impressing Ramona’s fancy friends. I can see Jill doing the exact same thing. If there hadn’t been a separate section she would have been dissing on her for that. “Its just not done that the adults should mingle with the kids. They should have their own section.” She really is a hater.

Though Avery’s is rather opulent, fancier than most weddings. Lots of lighting design and white leather furniture. Sonja looks glamorous but a bit worn. Came to the party with the adult section. I don’t blame her. Its February in New York and bitch is broke. Jill to the catering guy “no napkins – how could you have no napkins?” Looking for a fight this one is.

Ramona is feeling competitive. Wants to know what the theme was at LuAnn’s from the ladies who went there first. She argues with Jill about whether Ramona created a club from this loft space and if it’s different than just booking the party in an actual club. The editors of this show are so naughty. They show Ramona saying, “Why would I have a party in a club when Avery can’t be in a club for another 5 years.” And right as she says in a voiceover, “it sends a mixed message,” they show her nervously at the party taking a gulp of her wine.

Meeting this week’s Ramona Picture Quota

Then Avery tells Kelly that she wants Ramona and her friends out of there. She’s does a verbal eye roll every time she opens her mouth. Kelly steps in to tell Ramona to get the hell out of Avery’s space that Ramona probably paid 500,000 dollars for.

Victoria seems to be having slightly more fun than Avery, but it could just be that she’s hammered. Her party looks more like an actual party than the stage-managed one Ramona Avery is hosting. Part of what’s weird about Avery’s is there’s no music, and there’s too much space. No one is yelling, or dancing. Just posing for professional photographers. Crazy how Avery knows exactly what to do in front of them. The right smile and hip pivot. Scary. She probably already has a line of party planning jewelry or something that she’s working on.

What’s this? Bawby has had a few drinks and is getting up in it with Simon! “Peace and love is my mantra,” he says to Simon. I’ve never heard Babwy talk so much. Look at his Jewish Mafia style, those glasses, that hair. “We had dinner, we love the kids. The girls had a rough patch.” God I love his intonation – it is so familiar. “An internet blog, a hate blog, hate mongers.” One of those Internet bloggity things. He is sort of telling Simon off and Simon is likely lying. Not sure what is going on but here comes Smoove Mario to smoove it over. I’m sure we’ll hear more about the hate mongers and Simon’s general grossness next week. “To peace, love and health,” says Bawby.

For the record, I would have preferred Victoria’s party with the ice luges and the Ecstasy brought in by Lu’s music producer with the mohawk. Having Jill complain about the steak tartar and how the lighting design was over the top/not sophisticated enough would have been a huge drag. Though I would have attended either affair if only to give Bawby a hug and smell his Drakkar Noir aftershave.

Peace, love, health.

xo

RHONY Episode 11 Recap: Debt, Judgments, and a Little Lovemaking

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Back in New York, and the women have missed their mens! Ramona is at a fancy hotel, pouring a hearty glass of Peens Greegs and getting in the mood. You might remember that she’s a businesswoman, so she has to find time for intimacy with Mario. Brightly lit, rose petal strewn, lingerie wearing intimate sexy time. Her lips are so plumped by some kind of filler she can barely speak. So she waits, lips permanently pursed.

Ed. Note: We Will Never Tire of Posting Ramona Pics

And we go to Brooklyn where Simon and Alex are smacking each other with dishtowels in the kitchen. Out come the oysters. Of course. “No other husbands met their wives at the airport with flowers,” Alex points out. “Not that many girls still have husbands,” Simon answers bitchily but truthfully. I usually defend Silex because I think they are harmless nerds but last week with the sexy skyping and now with this cheesy lead up to nookie scene they are totally grossing me out.

For more on what grosses out Sheer Elegance, read on after the jump…


Ramona and her lips are still waiting. Here comes Mario, looking awkward, like he didn’t realize he was still on a reality show. “Wait, you guys are still here?” He’s kind of hawtt. Ramona brings up the fortune teller. Mario seems to stutter for a second but I have to think its because he’s on the spot, right? The other woman is Avery. Yes, of course. I’m sure that’s what the fortune teller meant. I hope he and Ramona are ok, especially after all that money they spent last season renewing their vows, but I’m sure a guy that good looking who is willing to be married to Ramona and live this weird life is not averse to cheating. Ugh.

Back to Simon and Alex’s bordello and out comes a basket full of panties. I simply love it when my husband buys me a basket full of panties! What a perfect gift. How can Alex say “basket of panties” with a straight face? Here comes the fashion show. Gross. Give me a spin he says. Creeptastic! As Cindy said in her Bravo blog, someone get this woman a spray tan. She looks nice in the red – “teddy?” Is that what they call that? Now they are going to have sex.

Panties That Didn’t Make the Cut

Back to Mario – he really does look uncomfortable – could that be because he actually does have a modicum of shame? “I’m having a great time!” he says, while Ramona gets out the oil for a mini massage. Love how he put on his sports pants for this. Ramona talks about they how have a spark. Her lips keep getting caught on her teeth. They are both drinking and smiling and steeling themselves for something. Now they are going to have sex.

Finally, that’s over. Cindy and her brother are in the office, talking dirty about attorneys, legal fees, contracts. Cindy shows the pictures from the trip to Howie and her assistant, and they are appropriately bored in the way people always are when you show your vacation pictures to them. Turns out Sonja edited Cindy out of all the pictures, which she then admits to in a confessional. That’s really mean and weird. Howie stayed with her kids while she was in Morocco, but with the two nannies. He makes fun of her glasses. They are totally flirting.

Sonja and her niece are going to the dermatologist she met in trampoline class. Naturally. Sonja hasn’t seen him for a while because he was running a marathon in Bucharest and Barcelona between trampoline classes and Dior appointments. WTF moment. Sonja decides to go for the most expensive facial on the menu and during the treatment the aesthetician tells her she read about Sonja’s bankruptcy in the paper. Buzz kill. Sonja keeps her tags her expensive clothes to remind herself of the prices. I’m sure it’s so she doesn’t take everything back to the store eventually.

Speaking of shopping, Jill comes back from Morocco haggier than ever, and takes Bawby to the tailor so she can talk over him and assert said hagginess. Her teeth look new and areas of her skin too. I love Bawby so hard. He likes a sheen in his suit fabric. She won’t let him even have a pocket. And makes him put her initials on it! What a mensch is Bawby.

LuAnn and the French Balkie only go to French bistros. How trite, but is aiight and makes LuAnn look good. I wish I could say I’m happy for her, but I intensely dislike her. She talks of having a sense of humor with Jacques and how important it is in life, but hers is only intermittent.

Loves to Laugh

Jill’s Skweez™ shape wear meeting! Sonja’s broke so she’s here for the free cheese. Alex and Cindy bring up the bankruptcy. Business disputes – who doesn’t have ‘em? Sonja’s only 19 million in debt because of judgments. Speaking of judgments, here comes Jill. Who’s basically a lawyer because she’s related to a lot of lawyers. Alex, as usual, is practical. Sonja needs a friend, not a Jill dog jumping all over her. Great, LuAnn is here. UCH. Its tense with Alex since the showdown at the riad. She wants to meet with LuAnn one on one, Luann agrees in a bitchy way.

Jill is a real woman and wants opinions from real women, except Ramona, who is not invited to the Skweez™ shape wear opinion meeting. Jill can’t trust her — this (“skweezing?”) is how she makes a living. She lost her Kodak deal because of Ramona. Alex doesn’t like this, not one bit. Alex is the conscience of the show now. She is in everyone’s business, but she is usually right. Ramona is a professional fashion industry person. She knows things about how big to make your logo and where to put lace.

Ramona and Alex are at a restaurant and the lighting is just lovely. Alex spills that Jill had the Skweez™ shape wear meeting earlier in the day and didn’t invite Ramona, who looks genuinely hurt. It’s not nice. Ramona is so into business. Jill has fucked with Ramona’s stuff too, Ramona is right. She came to her TruRenewal™ party ands started her mouth right up. Just explain – I’m doing an event and I’m not inviting you, but I’m inviting the others, Ramona says reasonably. Jill is not communicating again. Ramona says she’s sad that Jill is not going to change. She says she knows what Jill is and that Jill knows that she knows that she knows. You know? Also, Jill is a woman who only likes you when you’re down – when you’re happy she’s jealous. Good call Ramona. If she were Sonja with Jill asking her a million questions about her bankruptcy, “I’d smack the shit out of her.” Alex discloses a certain flask she keeps in her purse!? Whoa. OK. Awesome.

Kelly only appears once in this episode with her kids and her friend the photographer. They are doing a family portrait with their dogs. Sorry, I really don’t understand people who stage their dogs. Just not at all into that. I hope Kelly, fer friend, and the kids don’t all shower in a row at the beach house because that’s a lot long layered hair in the drain.

Ramona and Sonja have a sit down. The blondes are getting really good lighting today. Sonja is being cool. She seems truly sad. Her home is at risk, which sucks. Ramona is trying to be a good friend. She is there for her and knows Sonja will be ok. Liking Ramona. Go blondes!

LuAnn and Alex also sit down. They are here to discuss what happened between them in Morocco. This is gonna be tense. Hate. That. Beyotch. LuAnn. LuAnn immediately starts to interrupt and be defensive. “I can’t possibly guess what you have to discuss with me that makes you unhappy.” With that look on her face! Alex – “we have always had a smile and nod relationship. If people are friends or happy acquaintances they have to be able to come to each other with a legitimate gripe.” Alex is a very articulate person. Luann keeps darlinging and interrupting her.

Maybe LuAnn has a point that Alex puts herself in the middle too often, but that’s no reason for LuAnn to be “condescending, haughty, dismissive and frankly, vile.” YESSSS! “I’ve been nothing but friendly, gracious and kind to you,” Luann says like she’s the fucking Queen Mother.

“I didn’t know this was Alex class,” LuAnn says after Alex tells her she’s listening better than she did during the henna tattoo confrontation. She has no self-awareness – she actually thinks she’s better than Alex. “You’re the one who came to me and tried to bully me in my own SALON where I was having a henna tattoo!” OMG. Who says that??? It wasn’t your salon says Alex and you’re the one who forced me to talk in front of the cameras and other peoples. LuAnn is losing – she doesn’t want to argue. She thought “this was going to be a nice meeting where they would have a cappuccino.” Shows your delusion says Alex. Yes! Here comes the Herman Munster shoes line, you Klassy Kountess you. Alex is doing great. Not going to prostrate herself and kiss LuAnn’s ring.

“Get a life” is LuAnn’s parting line. And she storms out. She suxxxx.

Alex totally won. Yay Alex.

xo

RHONY Episode 10 Recap: Ya Habibi B#%ch

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Truth be told: I thought this was not only the end of Morocco but the end of the series. And I was not unexcited to be getting to the end. These housewives are making me weary. These pretzels are making me thirsty. But upon actual viewing, this episode turned out to be a lemony zesty tagine of Housewifery, so here goes my report.

Jill is not going to let the fight with Ramona get her down. She is moving on. Which means she will probably make up with her later in the show because her PR people back in NYC are telling her that people are more likely to buy her shapewear if she takes the high road with Ramona.

The brunettes are on a tour of a beautiful palace. Mustapha is full of stories of concubines and wives. Jill makes a sex joke – only having to do it with her hubby once a month – I’ll take that job, she says. Jill asks lots of questions about tiles and fabrics. Good for her that she’s interested. Sonja thinks Mustapha is hot.

For more RHONY shenanigans, read on after the jump…

Alex and Ramona are hanging at the riad. Ramona’s relationship with Jill has been a sham. Ramona is admitting that she is hurt. Alex is so happy to be liked by Ramona. Ramona has a soft side you know. She made herself vulnerable to Jill and she is now devastated. They discuss how LuAnn is trying to pick a fight with Ramona. How do they fix this? LuAnn is being set up as a bitch, which she is. Wingman promises are made. Alex takes this stuff seriously, which I find sweet. She wants really badly to be a part of things. And her hair looks normal finally.

This (dramatic pause) is henna says LuAnn. She has this way of acting like she invented this country and culture. Annoying! Anyway, she’s set up a henna tattoo session for the brunettes and her, Kelly, and Cindy settle in to get henna-ed. Alex comes down the stairs loudly and enters the room with a lot of adrenaline. “Is she trying to interrupt our henna session?” says LuAnn bitchily, but then encourages Alex to sit down. Kelly to Alex: You can’t be inauthentic. Its weird, it didn’t look normal, it’s weird. Re-enter. It’s weird. She wants her to do a “take two,” coming down the stairs and entering the henna session. WTF? And Kelly had been behaving so well!

LuAnn is such a bitch. It seems like Alex wanted to speak to her privately on Ramona’s behalf but the ex-Countess forces Alex to speak in front of the other brunettes. So bloody condescending. “Thank you very much, you can go now.” She actually says this! Alex is so awkward but her heart is in the right place. Kelly keeps trying to interject. Kell: STFU! Alex is trying to defend Ramona and LuAnn isn’t having it. LuAnn keeps dismissing Alex. Go back to the cabinet you came out of. Then she corrects her own grammar. Cabinet “which” you came out of. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. This woman needs to be smacked.


That Which Makes Us Not Want to Watch This Show

Kelly keeps babbling about inauthenticity. She’s really mad that her tattoo is ruined and knows Santa can’t fix it. She sounds like a character on a Nick Jr. show being taught what it means to have feelings that are mad and feelings that are sad and feelings that are bad. Cindy at least has the decency to feel bad for Alex.

Meanwhile, Ramona is sneaking around with Sonja trying on the specially designed caftans in the caftan wing of the riad. You do have to feel bad for Alex because she’s going to bat for Ramona against LuAnn and neither of the blondes invited her to come on their little late night sneaky adventure.

Kelly is still railing at Alex. What the hell are you talking about Kelly?!?! Alex finally says. Christ! Kelly starts shushing Alex. Kelly thinks Alex is a toddler having a tantrum. This is classic. Alex admits to being angry. You’re not angry, you’re sad. You’re sad. Not mad. Sad. Not glad. Sad. Any credibility Kelly had last week is gone gone gone.

Jill comes in with bad poodle hair and sort of diffuses Kelly and her Sesame Street emotional lessons for Alex. Poor Alex. She’s really trying. I don’t blame her for choosing the blondes. Ramona in a confessional about Alex defending her: she knows it did not go well for Alex. “Alex is not exactly known for her timing.” Ramona could destroy LuAnn – she certainly doesn’t need Alex to defend her, but Alex gets these bees in her bonnet about what’s right and needs to go off on these bitches. I can’t blame her self-righteousness but with all the editing she does seem rather off.

Next scene, LuAnn is pissed because the blondes haven’t come down to the dinner she “organized”. They ordered dinner to their rooms apparently. All the brunettes are talking about Alex’s outburst. I love Kelly saying that Alex was inappropriate. No self-awareness AT ALL. Her behavior was “APALLING,” says LuAnn. She is so campy! Now LuAnn is calling Alex a witch and Dracula. Jill is trying to stay positive and be nice. Luann says “I am not into petty.” Jill, “Oh, I didn’t get the memo.” Uh oh, Here comes Alex! Luann looks up. Hi. Her face is perfect. “We started half an hour ago so we didn’t thing you were joining us.” Patronizing. “The kitchen is closed but we’ll make it work for you.” What is her job on this trip? The RA of the riad says Ramona.

Alex wasn’t told dinner was at 8. “I know you know better than that,” scolds LuAnn says. “You have an education. I’ve organized this dinner.” Luann keeps saying we’re done, but keeps on going. And Kelly keeps interrupting!!! OMG. Alex is escorted out by Kelly. I hope Alex can redeem herself. This is bad for her.

So is this dress.

Cue Cindy. Is this reality? No baby. Reality show.

Ramona and Sonja arrive at the table. “We didn’t order dinner. That was a snack darling,” says Ramona. “This is not the plaza hotel darling,” says LuAnn. Now LuAnn is on the warpath. Here comes Ramona with the snacks, piling them on the table. She is committing to the snack defense. How am I on Ramona’s side? How is this happening?

Ramona tries to apologize to LuAnn. Ramona may be lying about what time dinner was. Stop running away from me, LuAnn says. She’s trying to connect with her about the Mario thing, because she got cheated on. Nice. Ramona: “I really think LuAnn wishes what the psychic says is true.” She’s right of course. She knows LuAnn would never be there for her.

The blondes all wake up in the morning. Did they all sleep in the same room? Here’s Alex being slightly awkward again.

Cindy talking to LuAnn. You have to take care of yourself. Go on trips with your girlfriends. Wear your sunglasses while talking to people. LuAnn looks good in white jeans. I’ll give her that.

Jill borrowed Ramona’s bathing suit. That’s unusual.

Kelly goes running in her five necklaces and sports bra in a Muslim country. Nice.

Jill and Ramona have a talk in Ramona’s room that feels like a porn movie. I’m feeling really raw, Ramona says in her negligee. Jill is a good talker. They care about each other. They are too hard on each other and too petty. Ramona was surprised and pleased Jill’s efforts to come to her room and make up. I was sick, I was raw. I was kvelling. I had a heart attack. They are now being competitive about who felt worse.

Cooking lesson. Cindy to the instructor – “I’m not a big cook.” Sounds so Jewish! But then, surprisingly un-Jewish. “I don’t, like, indulge in food. I don’t even see the point in it.” Oh boy. Cindy, I thought we were friends and you were going to take me to Canyon Ranch. Obviously we have different priorites.

Alex tries to have a moment with Cindy. “I thought you were just mad all the time.” She does an impression: “I’m Cindy and I hate everyone.” Does Alex need a talking to?

LuAnn teases Sonja about the toaster oven. Is Lu being fun? Hard to tell because she is hagging out so hard this episode. They eat the food they made in the things with the spices and preserved lemon and have a laugh.

Getting made up for the final night out. And what does Ramona wear to get make up put on? A very short, very tight leopard print dress. Nice.

Cut to New York City where the boys are playing pool. This scene is badly edited to make Mario look like a cad. He is really dumb and thinks the ladies are in Dubai. Native American Marrakesh designs. He and Ramona and meant for each other.

Little belly dancing interlude. Ramona is actually really good at belly dancing. According to Jill she looks “friggin’ hawtt.”

The ladies are all dressed in their custom caftans and ready for their final night in Morocco. They look somewhat like whores, but pretty ones. It’s all good! Nice looking restaurant! Sonja is in the in crowd and got the ressie for the place. LuAnn again takes credit for the trip. They toast to harmony.

Everyone has to go around and say what they liked best about the trip (THAT LUANN ORGANIZED!).

Alex goes first. She was last here with a five week old baby(!?). And now she’s been able to see things through different eyes…. LuAnn cuts her off. Did she like the souk, the belly dancing, what? Alex makes it easier – these women aren’t listening to her anyway. She likes … the hamam. The hamam it is. Sonja likes Mustapha. Awwww yeah she does. On her naked run, Kelly had a woman in the village say “Santa,” to her, which meant, yes, Santa WILL fix your henna tattoo. Kells really liked that. Jill liked the tent in the desert, which LuAnn had sewed together with her own hands. Cindy liked staying on the camel and not falling off like she wished LuAnn had. And LuAnn, of course, because she has to own something and make it a catch phrase for her next stupid book or other idea, likes, “Ya Habibi.” Which, actually, is catchy. I’m sure it will be the title of her next single.

Ramona didn’t say what she liked. Not sure it was a great trip for her. We shall soon see what the fortune teller wrought.

xo

RHONY Episode 9 Recap: It’s Not About You

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Tonight the girls had glimmers of being normal and kind of fun to hang out with, possibly because they got out of the luxurious riad and got to do more touristy Morocco stuff. Like visit a souk and not get robbed, get rubbed down at a hamam, stepped on by camel toes and eat food that would give them the runs. It was nice to see them enjoy like 10 minutes of their trip – a rarity for this bickering bunch of beyotches.

We open with the fortune-teller cliffhanger from last week. Everyone is reeling that Smoove Mario is having an affair, everyone except Ramona, who seems to waver between participating in these ridiculous storylines and plumping them up by acting unhinged and then turning around with a smile to promote her products.


Better Think Before You Cheat

Kelly actually seems kind of normal this episode (“kind of” is relative) and is trying not to make everything worse by translating the fortune teller’s news very directly so she doesn’t get accused of distorting information.

There’s a lot of whispering and people taking people aside. The woman who is now Brad’s new gay wife takes Ramona under an archway and they start gossiping about how LuAnn is always trying to get it on with Mario.

Who, exactly, is it not about? Read on after the jump…

Sonja is drunk and crying and has some gas. Oh boy she is a hot mess. She’s the Kelly of this vacation. Her husband JP Morgan had an affair that led to their divorce and she is projecting that onto Ramona. They sit down on Moroccan cushions to discuss. First Ramona is really nasty to her while she blubbers beside her – “Sonja, he was your fourth husband – what did you expect?” And “I didn’t marry for money Sonja, I married for love.” Sonja just keeps crying and then Ramona turns nice and kind and supportive of her. Ramona seems sober, which is a good call.

Oh Alex, what are those shorts? Just really hard to pull off blue sequined shorts with white stars on them. They kind of look like something the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders would wear to their Fall Formal. Not a good idea.

Going to the souk, Jill is channeling her inner Long Island mom. She has an awesome fanny pack. Her idea is the more frump, the less possibility of being robbed by Moroccan gypsies. Sonja is the most paranoid and the most ostentatiously dressed, in a weird white hat that must have needed its own suitcase. Practical!

Low Maintenance

Cindy is trying to scrap with Sonja over saving seats in the van on the way to the souk. Really important stuff here. Sonja needs to up her Xanax dosage. Something is really off about her tonight. Cindy won’t let Sonja disrespect her on camera and I can’t really blame her. She’s like a dog with a bone and keeps getting in Sonja’s face. “What kind of breeding do you have?” Cindy demands. Sonja has never had anyone talk to her like that!

Kelly is trying to make peace betwixt Sonja and the Cindz. Chillax ladies, she says. This is the trip of a lifetime. Sure, but these are the houswivitties so I’m siding with Cindy. Sonja is like a caricature and is being super catty to Cindy who is doing a lot of this “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS???” thing lately. Getting a bit tired. Mountain out of a molehill is brought out of the storage closet. Is this self-referential?

Regarding Cindy, Sonja says “I’m not having tea with her again – it’s a dead end.” Sonja does have some good lines. Check out Mustafa getting up in the housewife mix. Hilarious. Anyway, the souk is cool and there are lots of scarves and spices and aromas and sounds and statement jewelry to buy. As Liz Lemon would say, I want to go to there.

Now we are in the desert for a camel ride. Certainly Alex is making some interesting fashion choices. LuAnn calls her a lion tamer. I think she looks more like Amelia Earhart.

Kelly is having fun – she’s squealing like a 10 year old being allowed a last minute sleepover, but she seems genuinely excited to be in the desert. Sonja is scared to go on the camel because she’s a wreck and its her time of the month. Alex says she thinks Sonja’s being erratic. True dat.

Loving Jill’s white tennis shoes with the purple caftan. Where’s the fanny pack? And the white clip in her hair!! Its 1986 at summer camp for Jillzy!
LuAnn’s camel just freaked out and she’s trying to be calm about it. That camel is not trained says Ramona, the camel expert. It probably freaked out because it knows this is television, not film, as these are the same camels that worked on the Sex and the City Movie. These camels don’t usually get out of bed for television but its been a rough year.

There is some talk of ululating, and then …. A mirage. A tent in the desert.

Sonja hasn’t seen a tent like this since the King of Saudi Arabia invited her to his tent after the Gulf War. I don’t even know what to do with her non-sequiturs anymore.

The ladies go into the beautiful tent, laden with tagines and couscous and pita bread and whatever and play another building self esteem summer camp game called “Things You Don’t Know About Me.” Kind of fun, kind of awkward.

Like did YOU know:

Luann had six brothers and sisters?

Cindy started working when she was 12 selling socks at the flea market?

Bawby has really clean feet — no calluses?

Mario’s mom lived with Mario and Ramona for the first 10 years of marriage? (too bad there were no reality shows then – that sounds AMAZING!)

Kelly went to high school with only 20 people?

Alex’s dad died when she was 11 from Alzheimer’s?

Sonja has a long digression about how she gardens and does yoga. She spends a lot of time alone. What is she getting at? Is she high?

Cindy can’t really deal. She needs to be alone. Jillsy — nice face when Ramona says she respects everyone. Cindy does not like this.

Somewhere in there, Alex is skyping with Simon. They do a lot of skyping. Sexy skyping ew.


Ed. Note: Sorry, had to be done.

Now the brunettes are going to a gorgeous hamam to soak in the crystal streams and get massaged “everywhere.” Why am I not there? It looks amazing.

Kelly wants to know, who built this hammam, how long did it take? Was there a design?

An elaborate tea is drawn up with much ceremony. Jill takes a sip and says, “It tastes like Wrigley’s spearmint gum doesn’t it. I’m mortified again.

The Upper East Side blondes are in the van on the way to the hamam talking about diarrhea and pooping. I’m sure their moms are proud. There is entirely too much doody talk. I watch television to avoid doody talk.

Ramona is swimming in the magical waters of the hammam clad in a sexy 80’s cutaway bathing suit. How old is she again? Is this the fountain of youth?? She and Jill are gearing up for their “talk,” later on, which is just so stagey and will obviously not go well. Why do Ramona and Jill even have to talk? Do we really need them to be friends?

Sonja and Cindy are trying to make up. Cindy accepts Sonja’s apology because she has just had a 5-hour full body massage and how can you possibly care about anything in that state of mind?

Later, back at the riad…..

Clink clink, clink, here comes Jill with her icy diet coke to talk to Ramona.
Ramona has all her jewelry out on display like she’s going to sell it to Jill. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

They are both quickly teary. Their conversation is hard to follow, and I actually follow this stupid s&^t. Ramona is bringing up a lot of stuff that Jill has said in the past. We all wear two faces says Jill. It’s one face versus two.

Jill wants to know why Ramona tried to ruin her life. How? Wha happen?

Ramona seems like she’s been in a lot of therapy. Your tone is angry, says Ramona like she’s watched Barbra Streisand in “The Prince of Tides” many times.

Oh, of course, its back to St. John – Jill blames Ramona for not helping work things out with Bethenney. But Ramona blames LuAnn for dragging Jill from her apartment when she tried to bring Jill and Bethenney together. Remember that Jill? You felt “ambushed?”

They are starting to go bananas. Oy, they are not listening to each other and just yelling that the other is not listening. This is so hard to understand because of the editing and I will not, cannot watch it again. Screaming.

Overheard: It’s not about you. But it’s not about YOU!

Jill does seem like she’s still blaming everyone else for her failure to amend things Bethenney. She will never let this go apparently. Letting go seems to have worked out pretty well for Bethenney. Jill might consider it.

Jill storms out and is overheard saying, “get me a phone. I need to call Bawby. I’m having a heart attack.” Ramona is left alone fake sobbing on her bed wearing yellow strappy hooker shoes.

So, the talk didn’t go so well.

See you in a couple days for the finale and then the reunion shows!!!

RHONY Episode 8 Recap: Snakes on a Plane

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Did you know that “Ya Habibi” means darling in Arabic? Damn it, LuAnn is gonna make “darling” happen. She is very present in this episode, as Morocco is her trip and gift to the ladies. The markets, the dessert, the spices, it’s her pleasure. The Brunettes go first on the first class flight. Blondes will come the next day.

The riad, or private house where they are staying, is gorgeous. Brad Pitt apparently just left. Kelly loves the luminousness or luminosity (real words?) of the yellow light but ends up with the red room.
Blondes on the plane. Ramona is nervous. She needs her nice bedding and her Pinot. She doesn’t know what to expect from Morocco so she’s called ahead with many demands, including hangers. Alex is so excited to have two seats to herself. It’s interesting how Alex is very much on her own this season, while in previous seasons Simon and she were one. Viewers really did not like Simon and Bravo has taken note. I think he made her more interesting.
Makes Everything More Interesting
Sonja is also anxious about Morrocco. I mean, she has many friends with fabulous houses there, but she’s still not sure if where they are staying will have a bathtub.
Apparently Ramona doesn’t like dust or poverty. Alex has the decency to be embarrassed by the way Sonja and Ramona are acting towards their driver and the staff at the riad, who stand at attention upon their arrival.
More adventures in Morocco, after the jump…

These blondes all have the same colorist! Sonja is very worried about the staff stealing her luggage. She’s stayed in royal palaces before. You do NOT just leave your luggage. I keep waiting for her or Ramona to insult Muslims.
Right away there is tension between the Blondes (minus Alex) and the Brunettes. Ramona needs someone to help her unpack and an awesome maid shoots her the most hateful look as she hangs up the s—loads of clothes Ramona brought. Luckily she called ahead to secure extra hangers. She lifts her hand weights, which she also always calls ahead for. I had no idea you could do that. Next time I visit my parents I am so calling ahead with a list of demands!
Here comes LuAnn in a confessional. Darling, at the market you want to be modest.
The Brunettes are sitting around having tea, talking plastic and porno. Ramona is trying to keep up with the fountain of youth and thinks plastic surgeons are the answer. Watching real people have sex, is like, gross and weird.
Oh snap. Someone took Cindy’s hangers. Guess who? Cindy seems a bit more indignant than she should. She seems like an OK person but did she not watch this show before she signed up? Her sense of humor seems a little lacking, though I can’t blame her for thinking the Blondes minus Alex are pretty silly. Ramona and Sonja are acting like the two girls in junior high who gang up on the third. Ramona thinks Cindy needs a hanger up her butt. Ouchy. LuAnn knows where to get more hangers. Alex looks so helpless.
Ramona and Sonja are trying to sneak off after their romantic comedy trying on clothes and belly chains scene. They need a car ride — motion to fall asleep, like toddlers. They are not going along with LuAnn’s planning and don’t want to hang out with the others. Lu’s being a bit of a “Partyr,” which is a party planner who’s also a martyr (Sheer Elegance ™).
Ooh Kelly is dissing on Sonja’s townhouse. It hasn’t been renovated since, like, the 1900’s. Kelly has been talking trash much more lately – either she doesn’t know the cameras are on or else she has decided to play tough with these other animals. LuAnn is very choosy about who she disses and when she decides to be self righteous – here she cuts Kelly off and won’t let her go on about Sonja’s desire to live a fancy lifestyle beyond her ex-husband. Perhaps it hits too close to home?
Shopping, touching fabrics, jewelry. Is this still the same day? WTF – out of nowhere, Jill’s gay ex-husband Brad is here! He has a house in Marrakesh. But it seems like he is someone else’s gay husband now. Funny how he is acting like he doesn’t know the housewives are this season – like he doesn’t follow the show. Yeah right. But he does know Ramona and he does not likey. So … he will have a party for them at his house! Yay!
LuAnn is so annoying. Let’s go put our caftans on and meet in the library for a surprise. Who says that? Her face when she sees how plastered Ramona and Sonja are after their excursion is classic! R and S wanted to passive aggressively show LuAnn what they thought of her hostess act, so they went to a nearby 5 star hotel and had some champers and now are accusing the Brunettes of being bumps on log.
Kelly is eating jelly beans again. Let the games begin.
Lu’s surprise is that she has brought a designer by to design. Ramona is embarrassing everyone with her bad French and terrible manners – she is ordering this guy around like he is Sonja’s butler. Alex is mortified and she should be. This poor guy.
Drunk girl Sonja makes some more sexual innuendos – channeling Sex and the City part 5 when Samantha becomes a divorced woman who does her own hair.
Ramona asks the designer to put a log on the fire. It’s a riad not jihad – nice one Sonja.
Speaking of SATC, the ladies are trampling through the souk in their Manolos (I really hate when people say they are wearing “their Manolos,” it just really grates doesn’t it?) dressed to the nines. The Souk is scary and magical and mysterious, yes, clichéd, yes too. Brad is in his kingdom, though it turns out, Jill snarkily tells us, it’s the bed and breakfast he’s staying in, not his house. I wonder what happened between he and Jill. This is awkward as hell. I like Cindy’s dress.
Ramona is texting and Sonja is hammered. Cindy is annoyed because Sonja is still going on about the Vivienne Tam thing with the teeth and the Hermes. The mean blonde girls are cackling. Yeah, Cindy really can’t hang.
Cue snake charming. Everyone looks queasy. The snake charmer is actually French kissing the snake. That seems … unusual. Snake is vomiting venom. Sonja is wasted! Jill is being funny. Wrapped in a snake she dances around: “what are you scared of – it’s like a belt!”
Cue dancing. Blondes are shaking their couscous. LuAnn looks like someone stuck a hanger up her butt.
Brad introduces a fortune-teller in a burkha that he knows. Good call fortune-teller – I wouldn’t want my face on this show either. It breaks down like this: Jill has a big heart but talks too much. She should get that on a t-shirt. The fortune-teller sees Kelly with three girls. Kell says she wants another baby so that seems good for her. Sonja – money can’t buy you happiness. LuAnn’s taking notes for her next song. But Sonja does like the nice lifestyle…. Kelly gives her the thumbs up on Brian, the artist with the shaved chest. Kelly translates when Ramona sits down but quickly hightails it out of there, leaving it to LuAnn when the fortune-teller tells: Smoove Mario is cheating. Ooh. Fortune-teller shutting it down. That sucks. Suddenly Ramona is not having so much fun anymore.

RHONY Episode 7 Recap: Thug in a Cocktail Dress

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Now we know where this wretched season is leading: to “Exotic, sophisticated, Morocco.” Of course it is. LuAnn has been reading tourism brochures again. Whoever came up with this fakakta idea clearly saw the Sex and the City movie and liked it. Somehow. I’m dubious, but we shall see. I’m only excited about the upcoming trip because we get to see Ramona convulsing on the bed crying like a three year old in an upcoming episode, and that looks pretty promising.


Looking Intensely Forward to Morocco

But this ep is mostly about LuAnn. She is everywhere – bossing and darlinging and pushing Morocco. Has lunch with a sweaty Sonja – fresh from the gym. Fresh from a roll in the hay is more like it — and LuAnn tells her so like your awkward uncle would. Everyone’s in Italy for truffle season, Sonja says. She is so random.
A toaster oven sighting, bullying, and plastic surgery, after the jump…
LuAnn calls Jill to get her on board for the trip. It’s exotic, it’s sophisticated, it’s like Paris but not. We hear Bawby in the background. Jill’s totally in – not wanting to miss the fun and camera time like she did on Scary Island. Alex of course is available. Kelly doesn’t want to go because she’s scared of Ramona.

LuAnn and Ramona are having tea, which is French in LuAnn’s phrasebook for confrontation. At least when Ramona is nasty to her friends she says it to their faces and not behind their backs like LuAnn. A real philosophical question: is it better to trash your friends to their faces or behind their backs? Discuss. Ramona is upset, and it’s clear from her hair in the confessional that her stylist is as well. LuAnn is pious and obnoxious.

Sonja is doing a photo shoot for a toaster oven book. Is this still a thing? Another chance to hire a “celebrity” photographer, more hair and makeup, more panties talk. Sonja shows her vagina accidentally (?) and Kelly says something like, “that just screams toaster oven.” Nice one Kelly.

Screams Vagina?

The brunettes are all in a van going to Canyon Ranch! Cindy didn’t want to invite the blondes. Good for her. This crew is a little more believable as actual friends. Kelly recounts the whole Sonja toaster oven sighting. Seriously, this woman was a model (for PLAYBOY!) and she’s this freaked out by this? Cindy is unimpressed because she works with vaginas everyday. I’m not a gynecologist sayeth Kelly. No my dear, you most certainly are not.

LuAnn’s judgy about Sonja – says she’s hanging out too much with Ramona. Ramona of the drinking problem, a story line that is being edited to death by the Bravo producers.

Kelly and LuAnn are bonding about being single moms. Cindy is looking on sadly when they talk about dating. The sharks, the minnows and the bottom feeders – that’s what Kelly has to deal with. People think she’s so pretty (she says), but they don’t know how hard it is to trust. Kelly opens up about being slapped. The music swells, making a moment that might have been genuine kind of hard to take. LuAnn is moved. They hug.

They arrive at the spa. Jill’s boots are very Aspen in the 80’s, but in an actual 80’s way, not in a 2011 way.
Cindy looks pretty, and I want to be her friend because she takes people on spa weekends and buys them robes from Frette.

LuAnn: Really darling. Never open up a gift in a hotel lobby. Really? She and Sonja have such arbitrary rules.

After a good night sleep, the brunettes go to a drumming workshop with a nice hippie guy from the Berkshires. Jill is talking over him and being a hag. LuAnn has a funny line about large jewelry while drumming. Cindy’s teeth come up again. They drum. This is a fun scene.

Back in NYC, Ramona has rounded up the blondes for an afternoon at the plastic surgeon. It should be noted that Dr. Sharon Guise’s own plastic surgery looks quite good. Alex gets her face shaved and says that now that she’s modeling she should take care of her skin and hair. She allows her giant zit to be filmed so I believe she is correct. Ramona finally cops to getting work done. Duh. Thighs are covered with goo and lasers are applied.

Meanwhile, back at the Canyon Ranch, the brunettes are talking theater. Did you see the “Vagina Monocles?” A wonderful play. The brunettes play slumber party games in their robes and bond. Its nice to see everyone playing nice.

Jill is doing an event to raise money for Bullying Awareness. I wonder if Kelly is mad that Jill stole her issue from last season and made it hers. Ally is home from college and looks pretty. Jill asks Alex’s advice about dealing with Ramona over their fight at Ramona’s wine tasting but wont let her get a word in. Bully. Ramona arrives with a case of wine she intended to donate to the silent auction, but F@#* it, she’ll get the caterer, or the designer’s daughter to crack a bottle for her.

Since the blondes and brunettes are together in the same room, there’s bound to be some friction. They tussle about designers – who can wear whose clothes. Apparently Ramona has been telling designers they can’t dress the other ladies and LuAnn is pissed. LuAnn’s signature is Ungaro, why does she need to bite off Ramona’s designer David Meester? Lu is so beyotchy! Brings up the spa and the fact that none of the girls want to come on the trip because of Ramona. They are scrapping! Alex steps in. OOOH LuAnn is the thug in the cocktail dress! Finally we know. I thought for sure it was going to be Sonja.

The brunettes are excited. Kelly is coming on the trip. OMG. Definitely in her contract.

Models, catwalk, charity event.

Everyone is worried about Ramona’s drinking. Lots of shots of white wine in her hand.

Jill’s stepdaughter gets up to speak about being bullied when she was younger and is very cool and steady and articulate. She has a birthmark on her face, which Ramona points out tactfully by calling her deformed. Jill looks like she might take a swing at her.

Oh Bullying. Let’s take it on the road.

Morocco: Bring it.

xo

RHONY Episode 6 Recap: Ramona to the Core

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Other (funnier, speedier) reviewers of this show have noted the duality of the Housewives: the light and fun women who flit around New York in a harmless way, and their darker doppelgangers, who aim to destroy and undermine each other. We open this episode with Fun Housewives: supermodel Ramona with fans whirring at a photo shoot. She’s modeling for her skin care line of Pinot Grigio soaked faith-based statement jewelry and has brought in a one-named celeb photographer, her fellow lush Sonja for tips on how to keep her eyes “soft,” and her funny assistant, who tells her she looks like a “Young Pamela Anderson.” Is that a good thing? So that’s a fun scene. Hair blown out and make up applied. Self-aware jokes about being stiff on camera. Poses. Airbrushing. Housewives bein’ housewives.

Next we head to Cindy’s giant white apartment in the West Village sky, where girls with long straight hair and jeggings hang out taking care of Cindy’s important stuff, including her little babies’ jeggings (they do exist and are wicked cute). Jill comes over to be fun and go yenta to yenta. Cindy sits on the table and they pretend to eat carbs. Cindy admits that some of these girls with the hair wake up with her children at night, which I’m sure most parents would kill for if they could afford it, but she still complains about getting woken up from the comfort of her cozy giant feather bed because she hears the girls with the hair taking care of her babies. OK! Not super sympathetic Cindy, but I do admire your honesty.

Read on after the jump…


Inevitably, the talk turns to Ramona. You can tell Jill is trying to be careful, because she knows her publicist is watching so she tries not to say anything that could be construed as negative in a court of housewives. But Cindy is trying to explain what happened at their Four Seasons summit and it doesn’t take Jill long before she’s talking light trash. “Her core is not good,” says Cindy, which might just mean that she doesn’t do enough Pilates, but Ramona looks pretty good for 50 whatever, so I’m certain Cindy means her moral center. And she’s right. Ramona is a ruthless (business) person and these are not her friends. She is inappropriate and probably an alcoholic. She is also the most unpredictable, and therefore watchable member of this show, and must bring it week after week. Cindy is further setting up herself as an enemy of the State of Ramona, but luckily for her, Jill will soon be up to her old ways, and Ramona will likely care more about that fight than about Cindy. Pecking order, remember?

We’re at Sonja’s place now, and Chris March from Project Runway is here! Random, but good to see him – a person with real talent, likely looking for another gig somewhere on Bravo. Sonja has decided to have a masquerade ball and invite the ladies. But she’s on a budget because of her divorce, so she has to have an unpaid butler send out the Evites and recycle an old wig an ex gave her when they were into Henry the 8th guillotine role playing. Apparently the wig is in really bad shape because everyone keeps talking about how gross it is, but Chris March is sure he can do something fabulous with it.

Luann and Jill meet up at the go-to Housewife costume place that does not get a credit (they must be pissed about that, since everyone and their mother on this show get a little title under their name!) They have a fun chick flick montage moment trying on period costumes, and laughing, and they are being cute — the light and fluffy housewives! It’s sad how these guys are always excited to get dolled up for a party which they know is going to end badly, with someone in tears and someone with broken shins.

Back to Cindy’s, where we meet the father of her schmoopies and learn a little more about that situation. Kevin and Cindy separated shortly after she had the babies, he gets to see the them “as much as he wants” and likes to flip them upside down when he does, annoying the vajazzle out of Cindy. And Howie. WTF is up with Howie and Cindy?! He “has a weird relationship” with Kevin, i.e. he has to “take off” every time he comes over to the house. Sexual tension much? Creepy. Cindy should hold and bathe her kids more often – she seems kind of awkward and nervous with them. Or maybe she really just dislikes her ex. But that would be a strange choice putting him on camera, right? I’m sure we’ll learn more about this at a later time – Bravo is giving us little pieces of this storyline to try and make Cindy more watchable.

Back at Sonja’s, she’s getting ready for the ball, wearing a pink housedress type thing and probably fluffy high-heeled mules. She orders her butler/dancer around a bit, because she really needs a man around the house. Her niece, which I always think is such a weird word if you say it a lot – niece niece niece niece — comes over with a very reluctant stylist. Every niece should have a stylist I think. Chris March comes over with the tricked out mask, costume and wig he made for Sonja. She coos, they air kiss, and he takes off. She dresses.

We get into a minivan limo and head down to the party at Cipriani – which has gotten quite a lot of press on this show – shame they couldn’t have given poor busted Sonja the whole restaurant for a few hours instead of the tiny “vault.” LuAnn probably heard about this, because she calls in sick to Sonja’s cel phone in the limo. Anyway, what does Sonja care, she’s already getting sloshed in the car, so we know its gonna be an ugly one tonight. At the moment, we’re still in light and frothy land, but it will not last.

Everyone is here in the basement of Cipriani. Alex is brunette and dressed as Cleopatra. She looks good and doesn’t do much at this party except avoid Sonja’s wandering eyes and hands as they evaluate her breasts. Ramona is so weird and pretends not to recognize Alex and Simon when she walks into the party with Smoove Mario, even though there are likely Bravo cameras on them.

Jill comes in and starts being Judge Jillsy about the food available, the size of the space, the guests. Cindy comes in a non costume-y dress. Sonja keeps talking about all her friends in Europe and then bends over and sticks her ass out for the second week in a row, claiming to have forgotten the ruffled underwear piece of her costume. So she’s mooning everyone and slurring and honestly I zone out for a moment so I have no idea what was really said. But it was getting really fratty all up in the vault, and Sonja was screaming at her waxed chest boyfriend the Artist guy about a bruise on her ass, and I actually started surfing the web and looking at purses. The episode was sliding into the darker side of housewife land, though the camera lights still burn bright.

Kelly has a nice quotable nugget aimed at Sonja and her drunken booty showing: “I didn’t realize Sonja was so free and flamboyant with her body parts. I’m 42 years old and I want to like, hide things.” From the woman who last season POSED FOR PLAYBOY. Lord.

Wants to Like, Hide Things

Cindy and Jill go to get Cindy’s teeth fixed, because that’s what friends do together. Jill knows a lot about medicine and she is telling the dentist what to do with Cindy’s giant amount of teeth. The dentist seems like a cool guy but this is a terrible storyline and I had no idea so many people had fake teeth. That’s really all I have to say about this.

Now we’re at Ramona’s wine tasting party in a restaurant. As I mentioned, Ramona likes wine, so she made her own and put her name on the bottle.

Here’s Jennifer, you know, the one who let the show film her wedding where all this drama happened with Jill and Ramona and Howie and the girlfriend and the cigar? She has a weird accent. What is that? Minnesota? Canada? She tells Ramona that Jill was harassing her at her wedding and asking her why she invited Simon and Alex. According to Jennifer, Jill also wanted to know, how close were Jennifer and Ramona? Ramona is totally leading the witness.. Oooh, Jennifer is so exaggerating – she absolutely will be on this show next season when Cindy takes off. Ramona is upset.

Alex is sipping wine and has a great line. “Ramona is to Pinot Grigio as salt is to the ocean. “ The Countess is here and now is an expert on wine because of her boyfriend the French guy who used to be on Perfect Strangers. So she obnoxiously quizzes Ramona until Ramona grows flustered and tells her to STFU. LuAnn knows Ramona is about to go off, because of the look she has in her black holes eyes.

Here comes Jill, oblivious to what’s about to happen. Ramona is panting to confront. Ramona is so angry with Jill for talking behind her back! Jill denies, tries to fight back (Who said it? When? Where’s the documentation? – she would have made a good reporter). Now Jill tells Ramona she shouldn’t ambush her. She has NO right to do this to her at her party. This is such a good fight!!! Jill storms out and Ramona is shaking and Jill runs smack into Jennifer, who tries to compliment her coat but Jill cuts her right off. They discuss someone who gets beeped out who said something to Jennifer at the wedding and then end up hugging.

Meanwhile Ramona is ranting and waving her head like a maniac to Alex who looks worried Ramona will drink her. And then Jill decides to go back into the party and confront Ramona again. Great idea Jill. This will not end well. She worked it out with Jennifer, which doesn’t mean that she didn’t talk sh** on Ramon. This is insane – all these women do is talk behind each other’s back! “Say it to my face,” says Ramona. “Why don’t we have lunch?” Jill says, wonderfully. Ramona: “I wasn’t having a fight. I was having a discussion,” but a discussion where you scream at each other. This one has no class – that one has no manners! Ramona’s head is likely to snap off her neck. Jill is staying calm and telling Ramona she needs help. She looks incredibly sober next to Ramona.

Now Jill crying in the car to Bawby on speaker phone. He is consoling her. Love Bawby. Jill is bawling her eyes out to LuAnn and calls Ramona a bitch. Yes! Jill is back! LuAnn is supporting her. And clearly she’s setting up the “Ramona is an alcoholic” intervention scenes that are sure to come. Jill even references that during her fight – “Ramona, you’re out of control.”

Oh, parties. So much promise and anticipation before hand, much regret, clean-up and Pinot Grigio hangovers afterwards. Where are all those unpaid European butlers to dance us away from our darkness at the end of the night?

xo

RHONY Episode 5 Recap: A Threat is A Horse Head in Your Bed or Working in Union Restaurant. Either Way.

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

This is an episode where not much action happens, just a lot of meetings at restaurants and homes where various groups of housewives anticipate other upcoming meetings at restaurants and homes. Factions have formed, and the Housewives are trying to overcome the Great Toaster Oven Party Scandal, the Great Quogue debacle, and several more long ranging tribal wars that have developed over the past few seasons.

Jill is back from Australia, after a much needed Public Relations Vacation. She is really tan. She and Bawby had the most amazing time. It was a fresh start, she says, staying away from gossip and bad energy. She gives really cheesy little souvenir koalas to LuAnn, Sonja, and Kelly, who have all gathered for lunch to catch Jill up on the Quogue incident. LuAnn tells her about the cigars and Howie and Carol and Ramona’s bad judgment at Cindy’s birthday party. Jill says she doesn’t want to get involved in gossip and drama on the testimonial and then immediately starts dissing Ramona to the other ladies. Ramona leaves dead bodies all over town, she says. So much for staying out of it Jillsy!

Kelly faces down Ramona, and more, after the jump…
Sonja decides to coach Kelly because she is going to have a sit down with Ramona, something about a late night text Ramona sent to Kelly about her lack of support. Kelly has been living in fear of Ramona since they got back from their Caribbean nightmare vacation last season, so she is finally going to talk to Ramona because she’s concerned about her. But she’s also scared of her. Sonja has the episode’s best non sequitur when she questions Kelly’s feeling “threatened.” “A threat,” she opines, “is a horse head in your bed. Or working in a union restaurant where people can get away with murder sometimes.” Um, ok Sonja. Bravo editors, hello? Did you cut off a crucial part of what Sonja said? Sonja is hilarious impersonating Ramona. If things don’t work out with the show, those two can always take in on the road – do a ventriloquist act or something. Regardless, Kelly is now prepped for her summit with Ramona.

Quirky piano music plays as we travel over to Brooklyn. There’s a weird man tickling the ivories in the Silex house. “Who is that guy?” says their son Francois as they walk into their home. Yes, who is he? Seems Alex has bought a surprise birthday present for her kid that he doesn’t want. Wah wah. Francois takes piano lessons with a Julliard graduate. Alex has to drop that fact and the New York Foundation for the Arts casually into the conversation somehow, which she manages awkwardly, and then tells the kid not to get fingerprints on the piano. Uch, forcing these kids to perform on camera is never a good idea. It’s probably jarring for them to come into their home and have some random scary thing going on. They do not like being on camera and their parents should stop forcing it. It makes the kids seem maladjusted and it needs to stop. Its times like these when I’m impatient with Alex.

Ramona is at another restaurant to meet Kelly, with Sonja as their political adviser. Kelly can’t stand confrontation. Ramona doesn’t have a lot of patience for Kelly she says, but she seems, at the very least, sober. She’s sorry about the late night aggressive text she sent, admits she was childish and her feelings were hurt. I think this is about an event Ramona had that Kelly didn’t come to, or Ramona didn’t invite her to – I can’t keep track. But she apologizes. Kelly was concerned about her – code for saying she thinks she is a lush. She doesn’t think Ramona had her back on the trip to Scary Island. She won’t forget the bad things Ramona said to her. Good for Kelly! They are speaking VERY CAREFULLY. I feel like they are in couples therapy and Sonja is their therapist, dear Lord. So cute, they picked out outfits in response to each other – to level the playing field, if you will. Kelly dressed “uptown” in an oxford shirt and blazer, and Ramona “downtown” in her weird black leather pleated cheerleader skirt. Ramona is being adult and apologizing, seeming reasonable for once. Sonja lays down the groundwork for her fight with Cindy. Kelly looks relieved not to have bad stuff with scary Ramona anymore and lets out this genius quote: “You either fight to fight or fight to win and I’m not fighting at all.” Riiiight. Go Kells. You are lucky you are pretty.


Not fighting, or making sense, at all

Sonja has a houseman!!! He is a dancer/houseman. He answers the door of Sonja’s townhouse attached to a parking garage when Cindy arrives for tea and another lecture from Sonja about manners. Cindy awkwardly tries to flirt and cha-cha with the dancing houseboy and Sonja calls her out. Now maybe downtown it’s acceptable to dance with someone’s houseboy but uptown certainly not. The tone is set. Sonja takes out her boobs and settles down for tea, which soon turns into finger wagging and martinis to cope. The jist is this: Cindy needs to respect the pecking order. Sonja was ready to have a toaster oven party and broker peace in Housewifelandia and Cindy does not have the policy experience to get in the middle of Kelly and Ramona. Cindy is trying to defend herself but forgets that she can’t lie on camera because the editors will always find the footage that will contradict her. So she is busted for warning Kelly that she should not bring her kids to the toaster party. Whoops.

According to Sonja, Ramona is the queen and Cindy needs to give Ramona (and Sonja) their due and quit disrespectin.’ She should not have squashed Sonja’s plans to bring R and K together and she is not to be trusted. Sonja brings up the fact again that no one wanted to come to her party an hour out of their way, and again that Cindy didn’t have a Pinot Grigio drip ready for insertion upon Ramona’s arrival at the birthday party. For the love of Quogue! Oh yeah, it’s still a thing! Cindy can’t believe this bull—- but seriously honey, what did expect when you signed on for this?

God, I’m not gonna make it through this episode. I feel like Cindy is a stand-in for us, the viewers at home. How can these people behave this way? But will she too get sucked in? Last season I thought Sonja was normal.

On to another scene with LuAnn being a total hag. Ramona invites her to a jewelry party at a hotel lobby or something. We see immediately that this is another one of Ramona’s marketing opps and that she’s wearing her “businesswoman” attitude. LuAnn, who is soooo classy and has suuuuuch great taste in jewelry, rudely disses Ramona’s line of jewelry and is appalled at the fact that this is a money making, multi-level marketing scheme and that there are women there to sell the stuff and try and make a little scratch. Look at the Lu’s own earrings! They are heinous. Then LuAnn mocks Ramona’s Italian pronunciation and her knowledge of European wine growing regions. But she does put Ramona in her place by telling her she behaved really poorly at the Cindy party with the demand for Pinot and the hounding of the dead man’s cigar smoker. At least her patronizing tone can cut through Ramona’s mania at times. But still, she is insufferable.


Cindy meets up with Kelly in Central Park after her course in The Sonja School of Housewife Hierarchy and we see she’s wearing a snazzy downtown outfit herself, with shorts and thigh high boots. They walk and talk about what just happened at Sonja’s and OMG run right into Jill and Ginger. Yum, Jack and Ginger….. what? Sorry, just thinking about how I wish I had a cocktail right now. Kelly and Cindy pretend to be interested in Jill’s dog in that way people do with other people’s dogs and kids, and then they discuss Sonja’s pecking order diatribe with Jill, who thinks Ramona and Sonja have been spending too much time together and picking up each other’s bad habits.

Speaking of which, on to a mortifying clip of Sonja showing her ass in a slutty cheerleader outfit (pigtails! Spanx!) with a bunch of firemen calendar hotties (abs! waxed chests!) at a fundraiser for the ASCPA. Sonja is learning how to survive on this Housewife planet. She knows what she has to do to stay relevant and is doing it. But her quick trajectory from cool mellow interesting rich lady to this aggressively mean, cougar-y drag queen is so sharp it makes me wonder what her friends and family (daughter especially!) must think of all this.

Kelly heads off to Sonja’s finally for this much discussed toaster oven luncheon, with LuAnn now subbing for Ramona. Maybe Ramona is trying to develop her own line of faith based toaster oven jewelry and her lawyers have decided she can’t do it contractually, or else LuAnn jumped at more camera time to be snotty and judgmental with Sonja. After all that yapping about it, Sonja just makes some fish and asparagus in her hilariously ghetto toaster and her, Kelly and LuAnn eat it and its over. LuAnn’s not sold on the idea. Sonja makes a big deal about how there’s no clean up when you cook in the toaster oven and then we see her butler/houseboy doing the dishes in the background. Classic.
Cindy and Ramona meet at the Four Seasons for their confrontation. Ramona, in a power play, keeps her sunglasses on as Cindy approaches the table. Cindy tells us that Ramona apologized to her on the phone after the Quogue incident, but that she wanted to meet in person and “get her head around the apology.” I’m guessing the Bravo producers had something to do with this. They both discuss what happened between them in Quogue from their perspective, and then there is a stand off. Ramona acts innocent and confused (and possibly Xanaxed) and Cindy is flustered – she obviously wants an apology on camera from Ramona for ruining her birthday party and she is not going to get it.

Cut to Brooklyn, where Jill stands in stilettos on Alex’s stoop. Jill is here to make amends, and she climbs the stairs with a purpose. The guy playing the piano is not there anymore, which is good, I had expected him to stay on 24 hours a day until Francois got with the program. Alex is leery, weary, skeptical etc about anything Jill might say, and with good reason. Jill puts her foot in her mouth right away, trying to say something nice out about her hair, but she ends up insulting her. Jill admits to making mistakes and wanting to get back to being good together. Alex is unconvinced.

Back to Ramona and Cindy. Cindy brings up the wine incident at the party again, finally discovering too late that this is a talking point. Ramona is now in defensive mode and throws a bomb at Cindy: maybe if she had been married for 18 years she would know how to communicate or compromise. Silence. It is very awkward. Cindy gets out her phone — a very 2011 way to deal with the situation. Ramona leaves shortly after. I don’t even know what to say about this fight except that poor Cindy is not long for this Housewife basic training.

Ramona and Cindy’s aborted “discussion” is juxtaposed against Jill and Alex’s, who seem to be getting somewhere. Jill is initially defensive but Alex stays calm. Even if Jill is only making up with Alex this to improve her terrible image on the show, I like this scene between them because it feels real. Jill cops to being disrespectful to Alex with regards to her husband and kids, which was all Alex probably wanted to hear. Jill admits to being angry and hurt by Alex as well, which I don’t really believe, but Jill is winning me back a bit. Alex concedes that no one is perfect and says that this is the first time the two of them have had a two-way conversation. Then they go on to perform a teenage empowerment exercise Jill may have learned in Australia, where they write down an event they want to let go on a slip of paper, and then they burn it in Alex’s crappy Webber grill. Next Jill stands up on Johann’s picnic table, closes her eyes and falls backward into Alex’s arms trusting that she will catch her. Just kidding. But wouldn’t that be funny?

Next week, the Housewives have a sleepover bull session where everyone goes around and says something positive about each other, and then about themselves. Then they do a backrub chain and have a séance. I know Alex and Jill will be there, but we’ll have to see about getting the rest of the ladies to show up. Especially if it’s in Brooklyn.

xo

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