By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Back in New York, and the women have missed their mens! Ramona is at a fancy hotel, pouring a hearty glass of Peens Greegs and getting in the mood. You might remember that she’s a businesswoman, so she has to find time for intimacy with Mario. Brightly lit, rose petal strewn, lingerie wearing intimate sexy time. Her lips are so plumped by some kind of filler she can barely speak. So she waits, lips permanently pursed.

And we go to Brooklyn where Simon and Alex are smacking each other with dishtowels in the kitchen. Out come the oysters. Of course. “No other husbands met their wives at the airport with flowers,” Alex points out. “Not that many girls still have husbands,” Simon answers bitchily but truthfully. I usually defend Silex because I think they are harmless nerds but last week with the sexy skyping and now with this cheesy lead up to nookie scene they are totally grossing me out.

Ramona and her lips are still waiting. Here comes Mario, looking awkward, like he didn’t realize he was still on a reality show. “Wait, you guys are still here?” He’s kind of hawtt. Ramona brings up the fortune teller. Mario seems to stutter for a second but I have to think its because he’s on the spot, right? The other woman is Avery. Yes, of course. I’m sure that’s what the fortune teller meant. I hope he and Ramona are ok, especially after all that money they spent last season renewing their vows, but I’m sure a guy that good looking who is willing to be married to Ramona and live this weird life is not averse to cheating. Ugh.

Back to Simon and Alex’s bordello and out comes a basket full of panties. I simply love it when my husband buys me a basket full of panties! What a perfect gift. How can Alex say “basket of panties” with a straight face? Here comes the fashion show. Gross. Give me a spin he says. Creeptastic! As Cindy said in her Bravo blog, someone get this woman a spray tan. She looks nice in the red – “teddy?” Is that what they call that? Now they are going to have sex.

Back to Mario – he really does look uncomfortable – could that be because he actually does have a modicum of shame? “I’m having a great time!” he says, while Ramona gets out the oil for a mini massage. Love how he put on his sports pants for this. Ramona talks about they how have a spark. Her lips keep getting caught on her teeth. They are both drinking and smiling and steeling themselves for something. Now they are going to have sex.

Finally, that’s over. Cindy and her brother are in the office, talking dirty about attorneys, legal fees, contracts. Cindy shows the pictures from the trip to Howie and her assistant, and they are appropriately bored in the way people always are when you show your vacation pictures to them. Turns out Sonja edited Cindy out of all the pictures, which she then admits to in a confessional. That’s really mean and weird. Howie stayed with her kids while she was in Morocco, but with the two nannies. He makes fun of her glasses. They are totally flirting.

Sonja and her niece are going to the dermatologist she met in trampoline class. Naturally. Sonja hasn’t seen him for a while because he was running a marathon in Bucharest and Barcelona between trampoline classes and Dior appointments. WTF moment. Sonja decides to go for the most expensive facial on the menu and during the treatment the aesthetician tells her she read about Sonja’s bankruptcy in the paper. Buzz kill. Sonja keeps her tags her expensive clothes to remind herself of the prices. I’m sure it’s so she doesn’t take everything back to the store eventually.

Speaking of shopping, Jill comes back from Morocco haggier than ever, and takes Bawby to the tailor so she can talk over him and assert said hagginess. Her teeth look new and areas of her skin too. I love Bawby so hard. He likes a sheen in his suit fabric. She won’t let him even have a pocket. And makes him put her initials on it! What a mensch is Bawby.

LuAnn and the French Balkie only go to French bistros. How trite, but is aiight and makes LuAnn look good. I wish I could say I’m happy for her, but I intensely dislike her. She talks of having a sense of humor with Jacques and how important it is in life, but hers is only intermittent.

Jill’s Skweez™ shape wear meeting! Sonja’s broke so she’s here for the free cheese. Alex and Cindy bring up the bankruptcy. Business disputes – who doesn’t have ‘em? Sonja’s only 19 million in debt because of judgments. Speaking of judgments, here comes Jill. Who’s basically a lawyer because she’s related to a lot of lawyers. Alex, as usual, is practical. Sonja needs a friend, not a Jill dog jumping all over her. Great, LuAnn is here. UCH. Its tense with Alex since the showdown at the riad. She wants to meet with LuAnn one on one, Luann agrees in a bitchy way.

Jill is a real woman and wants opinions from real women, except Ramona, who is not invited to the Skweez™ shape wear opinion meeting. Jill can’t trust her — this (“skweezing?”) is how she makes a living. She lost her Kodak deal because of Ramona. Alex doesn’t like this, not one bit. Alex is the conscience of the show now. She is in everyone’s business, but she is usually right. Ramona is a professional fashion industry person. She knows things about how big to make your logo and where to put lace.

Ramona and Alex are at a restaurant and the lighting is just lovely. Alex spills that Jill had the Skweez™ shape wear meeting earlier in the day and didn’t invite Ramona, who looks genuinely hurt. It’s not nice. Ramona is so into business. Jill has fucked with Ramona’s stuff too, Ramona is right. She came to her TruRenewal™ party ands started her mouth right up. Just explain – I’m doing an event and I’m not inviting you, but I’m inviting the others, Ramona says reasonably. Jill is not communicating again. Ramona says she’s sad that Jill is not going to change. She says she knows what Jill is and that Jill knows that she knows that she knows. You know? Also, Jill is a woman who only likes you when you’re down – when you’re happy she’s jealous. Good call Ramona. If she were Sonja with Jill asking her a million questions about her bankruptcy, “I’d smack the shit out of her.” Alex discloses a certain flask she keeps in her purse!? Whoa. OK. Awesome.

Kelly only appears once in this episode with her kids and her friend the photographer. They are doing a family portrait with their dogs. Sorry, I really don’t understand people who stage their dogs. Just not at all into that. I hope Kelly, fer friend, and the kids don’t all shower in a row at the beach house because that’s a lot long layered hair in the drain.

Ramona and Sonja have a sit down. The blondes are getting really good lighting today. Sonja is being cool. She seems truly sad. Her home is at risk, which sucks. Ramona is trying to be a good friend. She is there for her and knows Sonja will be ok. Liking Ramona. Go blondes!

LuAnn and Alex also sit down. They are here to discuss what happened between them in Morocco. This is gonna be tense. Hate. That. Beyotch. LuAnn. LuAnn immediately starts to interrupt and be defensive. “I can’t possibly guess what you have to discuss with me that makes you unhappy.” With that look on her face! Alex – “we have always had a smile and nod relationship. If people are friends or happy acquaintances they have to be able to come to each other with a legitimate gripe.” Alex is a very articulate person. Luann keeps darlinging and interrupting her.

Maybe LuAnn has a point that Alex puts herself in the middle too often, but that’s no reason for LuAnn to be “condescending, haughty, dismissive and frankly, vile.” YESSSS! “I’ve been nothing but friendly, gracious and kind to you,” Luann says like she’s the fucking Queen Mother.

“I didn’t know this was Alex class,” LuAnn says after Alex tells her she’s listening better than she did during the henna tattoo confrontation. She has no self-awareness – she actually thinks she’s better than Alex. “You’re the one who came to me and tried to bully me in my own SALON where I was having a henna tattoo!” OMG. Who says that??? It wasn’t your salon says Alex and you’re the one who forced me to talk in front of the cameras and other peoples. LuAnn is losing – she doesn’t want to argue. She thought “this was going to be a nice meeting where they would have a cappuccino.” Shows your delusion says Alex. Yes! Here comes the Herman Munster shoes line, you Klassy Kountess you. Alex is doing great. Not going to prostrate herself and kiss LuAnn’s ring.

“Get a life” is LuAnn’s parting line. And she storms out. She suxxxx.

Alex totally won. Yay Alex.

xo

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Truth be told: I thought this was not only the end of Morocco but the end of the series. And I was not unexcited to be getting to the end. These housewives are making me weary. These pretzels are making me thirsty. But upon actual viewing, this episode turned out to be a lemony zesty tagine of Housewifery, so here goes my report.

Jill is not going to let the fight with Ramona get her down. She is moving on. Which means she will probably make up with her later in the show because her PR people back in NYC are telling her that people are more likely to buy her shapewear if she takes the high road with Ramona.

The brunettes are on a tour of a beautiful palace. Mustapha is full of stories of concubines and wives. Jill makes a sex joke – only having to do it with her hubby once a month – I’ll take that job, she says. Jill asks lots of questions about tiles and fabrics. Good for her that she’s interested. Sonja thinks Mustapha is hot.

Alex and Ramona are hanging at the riad. Ramona’s relationship with Jill has been a sham. Ramona is admitting that she is hurt. Alex is so happy to be liked by Ramona. Ramona has a soft side you know. She made herself vulnerable to Jill and she is now devastated. They discuss how LuAnn is trying to pick a fight with Ramona. How do they fix this? LuAnn is being set up as a bitch, which she is. Wingman promises are made. Alex takes this stuff seriously, which I find sweet. She wants really badly to be a part of things. And her hair looks normal finally.

This (dramatic pause) is henna says LuAnn. She has this way of acting like she invented this country and culture. Annoying! Anyway, she’s set up a henna tattoo session for the brunettes and her, Kelly, and Cindy settle in to get henna-ed. Alex comes down the stairs loudly and enters the room with a lot of adrenaline. “Is she trying to interrupt our henna session?” says LuAnn bitchily, but then encourages Alex to sit down. Kelly to Alex: You can’t be inauthentic. Its weird, it didn’t look normal, it’s weird. Re-enter. It’s weird. She wants her to do a “take two,” coming down the stairs and entering the henna session. WTF? And Kelly had been behaving so well!

LuAnn is such a bitch. It seems like Alex wanted to speak to her privately on Ramona’s behalf but the ex-Countess forces Alex to speak in front of the other brunettes. So bloody condescending. “Thank you very much, you can go now.” She actually says this! Alex is so awkward but her heart is in the right place. Kelly keeps trying to interject. Kell: STFU! Alex is trying to defend Ramona and LuAnn isn’t having it. LuAnn keeps dismissing Alex. Go back to the cabinet you came out of. Then she corrects her own grammar. Cabinet “which” you came out of. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. This woman needs to be smacked.

Kelly keeps babbling about inauthenticity. She’s really mad that her tattoo is ruined and knows Santa can’t fix it. She sounds like a character on a Nick Jr. show being taught what it means to have feelings that are mad and feelings that are sad and feelings that are bad. Cindy at least has the decency to feel bad for Alex.

Meanwhile, Ramona is sneaking around with Sonja trying on the specially designed caftans in the caftan wing of the riad. You do have to feel bad for Alex because she’s going to bat for Ramona against LuAnn and neither of the blondes invited her to come on their little late night sneaky adventure.

Kelly is still railing at Alex. What the hell are you talking about Kelly?!?! Alex finally says. Christ! Kelly starts shushing Alex. Kelly thinks Alex is a toddler having a tantrum. This is classic. Alex admits to being angry. You’re not angry, you’re sad. You’re sad. Not mad. Sad. Not glad. Sad. Any credibility Kelly had last week is gone gone gone.

Jill comes in with bad poodle hair and sort of diffuses Kelly and her Sesame Street emotional lessons for Alex. Poor Alex. She’s really trying. I don’t blame her for choosing the blondes. Ramona in a confessional about Alex defending her: she knows it did not go well for Alex. “Alex is not exactly known for her timing.” Ramona could destroy LuAnn – she certainly doesn’t need Alex to defend her, but Alex gets these bees in her bonnet about what’s right and needs to go off on these bitches. I can’t blame her self-righteousness but with all the editing she does seem rather off.

Next scene, LuAnn is pissed because the blondes haven’t come down to the dinner she “organized”. They ordered dinner to their rooms apparently. All the brunettes are talking about Alex’s outburst. I love Kelly saying that Alex was inappropriate. No self-awareness AT ALL. Her behavior was “APALLING,” says LuAnn. She is so campy! Now LuAnn is calling Alex a witch and Dracula. Jill is trying to stay positive and be nice. Luann says “I am not into petty.” Jill, “Oh, I didn’t get the memo.” Uh oh, Here comes Alex! Luann looks up. Hi. Her face is perfect. “We started half an hour ago so we didn’t thing you were joining us.” Patronizing. “The kitchen is closed but we’ll make it work for you.” What is her job on this trip? The RA of the riad says Ramona.

Alex wasn’t told dinner was at 8. “I know you know better than that,” scolds LuAnn says. “You have an education. I’ve organized this dinner.” Luann keeps saying we’re done, but keeps on going. And Kelly keeps interrupting!!! OMG. Alex is escorted out by Kelly. I hope Alex can redeem herself. This is bad for her.

Cue Cindy. Is this reality? No baby. Reality show.

Ramona and Sonja arrive at the table. “We didn’t order dinner. That was a snack darling,” says Ramona. “This is not the plaza hotel darling,” says LuAnn. Now LuAnn is on the warpath. Here comes Ramona with the snacks, piling them on the table. She is committing to the snack defense. How am I on Ramona’s side? How is this happening?

Ramona tries to apologize to LuAnn. Ramona may be lying about what time dinner was. Stop running away from me, LuAnn says. She’s trying to connect with her about the Mario thing, because she got cheated on. Nice. Ramona: “I really think LuAnn wishes what the psychic says is true.” She’s right of course. She knows LuAnn would never be there for her.

The blondes all wake up in the morning. Did they all sleep in the same room? Here’s Alex being slightly awkward again.

Cindy talking to LuAnn. You have to take care of yourself. Go on trips with your girlfriends. Wear your sunglasses while talking to people. LuAnn looks good in white jeans. I’ll give her that.

Jill borrowed Ramona’s bathing suit. That’s unusual.

Kelly goes running in her five necklaces and sports bra in a Muslim country. Nice.

Jill and Ramona have a talk in Ramona’s room that feels like a porn movie. I’m feeling really raw, Ramona says in her negligee. Jill is a good talker. They care about each other. They are too hard on each other and too petty. Ramona was surprised and pleased Jill’s efforts to come to her room and make up. I was sick, I was raw. I was kvelling. I had a heart attack. They are now being competitive about who felt worse.

Cooking lesson. Cindy to the instructor – “I’m not a big cook.” Sounds so Jewish! But then, surprisingly un-Jewish. “I don’t, like, indulge in food. I don’t even see the point in it.” Oh boy. Cindy, I thought we were friends and you were going to take me to Canyon Ranch. Obviously we have different priorites.

Alex tries to have a moment with Cindy. “I thought you were just mad all the time.” She does an impression: “I’m Cindy and I hate everyone.” Does Alex need a talking to?

LuAnn teases Sonja about the toaster oven. Is Lu being fun? Hard to tell because she is hagging out so hard this episode. They eat the food they made in the things with the spices and preserved lemon and have a laugh.

Getting made up for the final night out. And what does Ramona wear to get make up put on? A very short, very tight leopard print dress. Nice.

Cut to New York City where the boys are playing pool. This scene is badly edited to make Mario look like a cad. He is really dumb and thinks the ladies are in Dubai. Native American Marrakesh designs. He and Ramona and meant for each other.

Little belly dancing interlude. Ramona is actually really good at belly dancing. According to Jill she looks “friggin’ hawtt.”

The ladies are all dressed in their custom caftans and ready for their final night in Morocco. They look somewhat like whores, but pretty ones. It’s all good! Nice looking restaurant! Sonja is in the in crowd and got the ressie for the place. LuAnn again takes credit for the trip. They toast to harmony.

Everyone has to go around and say what they liked best about the trip (THAT LUANN ORGANIZED!).

Alex goes first. She was last here with a five week old baby(!?). And now she’s been able to see things through different eyes…. LuAnn cuts her off. Did she like the souk, the belly dancing, what? Alex makes it easier – these women aren’t listening to her anyway. She likes … the hamam. The hamam it is. Sonja likes Mustapha. Awwww yeah she does. On her naked run, Kelly had a woman in the village say “Santa,” to her, which meant, yes, Santa WILL fix your henna tattoo. Kells really liked that. Jill liked the tent in the desert, which LuAnn had sewed together with her own hands. Cindy liked staying on the camel and not falling off like she wished LuAnn had. And LuAnn, of course, because she has to own something and make it a catch phrase for her next stupid book or other idea, likes, “Ya Habibi.” Which, actually, is catchy. I’m sure it will be the title of her next single.

Ramona didn’t say what she liked. Not sure it was a great trip for her. We shall soon see what the fortune teller wrought.

xo

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Tonight the girls had glimmers of being normal and kind of fun to hang out with, possibly because they got out of the luxurious riad and got to do more touristy Morocco stuff. Like visit a souk and not get robbed, get rubbed down at a hamam, stepped on by camel toes and eat food that would give them the runs. It was nice to see them enjoy like 10 minutes of their trip – a rarity for this bickering bunch of beyotches.

We open with the fortune-teller cliffhanger from last week. Everyone is reeling that Smoove Mario is having an affair, everyone except Ramona, who seems to waver between participating in these ridiculous storylines and plumping them up by acting unhinged and then turning around with a smile to promote her products.

Kelly actually seems kind of normal this episode (“kind of” is relative) and is trying not to make everything worse by translating the fortune teller’s news very directly so she doesn’t get accused of distorting information.

There’s a lot of whispering and people taking people aside. The woman who is now Brad’s new gay wife takes Ramona under an archway and they start gossiping about how LuAnn is always trying to get it on with Mario.

Sonja is drunk and crying and has some gas. Oh boy she is a hot mess. She’s the Kelly of this vacation. Her husband JP Morgan had an affair that led to their divorce and she is projecting that onto Ramona. They sit down on Moroccan cushions to discuss. First Ramona is really nasty to her while she blubbers beside her – “Sonja, he was your fourth husband – what did you expect?” And “I didn’t marry for money Sonja, I married for love.” Sonja just keeps crying and then Ramona turns nice and kind and supportive of her. Ramona seems sober, which is a good call.

Oh Alex, what are those shorts? Just really hard to pull off blue sequined shorts with white stars on them. They kind of look like something the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders would wear to their Fall Formal. Not a good idea.

Going to the souk, Jill is channeling her inner Long Island mom. She has an awesome fanny pack. Her idea is the more frump, the less possibility of being robbed by Moroccan gypsies. Sonja is the most paranoid and the most ostentatiously dressed, in a weird white hat that must have needed its own suitcase. Practical!

Cindy is trying to scrap with Sonja over saving seats in the van on the way to the souk. Really important stuff here. Sonja needs to up her Xanax dosage. Something is really off about her tonight. Cindy won’t let Sonja disrespect her on camera and I can’t really blame her. She’s like a dog with a bone and keeps getting in Sonja’s face. “What kind of breeding do you have?” Cindy demands. Sonja has never had anyone talk to her like that!

Kelly is trying to make peace betwixt Sonja and the Cindz. Chillax ladies, she says. This is the trip of a lifetime. Sure, but these are the houswivitties so I’m siding with Cindy. Sonja is like a caricature and is being super catty to Cindy who is doing a lot of this “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS???” thing lately. Getting a bit tired. Mountain out of a molehill is brought out of the storage closet. Is this self-referential?

Regarding Cindy, Sonja says “I’m not having tea with her again – it’s a dead end.” Sonja does have some good lines. Check out Mustafa getting up in the housewife mix. Hilarious. Anyway, the souk is cool and there are lots of scarves and spices and aromas and sounds and statement jewelry to buy. As Liz Lemon would say, I want to go to there.

Now we are in the desert for a camel ride. Certainly Alex is making some interesting fashion choices. LuAnn calls her a lion tamer. I think she looks more like Amelia Earhart.

Kelly is having fun – she’s squealing like a 10 year old being allowed a last minute sleepover, but she seems genuinely excited to be in the desert. Sonja is scared to go on the camel because she’s a wreck and its her time of the month. Alex says she thinks Sonja’s being erratic. True dat.

Loving Jill’s white tennis shoes with the purple caftan. Where’s the fanny pack? And the white clip in her hair!! Its 1986 at summer camp for Jillzy!

LuAnn’s camel just freaked out and she’s trying to be calm about it. That camel is not trained says Ramona, the camel expert. It probably freaked out because it knows this is television, not film, as these are the same camels that worked on the Sex and the City Movie. These camels don’t usually get out of bed for television but its been a rough year.

There is some talk of ululating, and then …. A mirage. A tent in the desert.

Sonja hasn’t seen a tent like this since the King of Saudi Arabia invited her to his tent after the Gulf War. I don’t even know what to do with her non-sequiturs anymore.

The ladies go into the beautiful tent, laden with tagines and couscous and pita bread and whatever and play another building self esteem summer camp game called “Things You Don’t Know About Me.” Kind of fun, kind of awkward.

Like did YOU know:

Luann had six brothers and sisters?

Cindy started working when she was 12 selling socks at the flea market?

Bawby has really clean feet — no calluses?

Mario’s mom lived with Mario and Ramona for the first 10 years of marriage? (too bad there were no reality shows then – that sounds AMAZING!)

Kelly went to high school with only 20 people?

Alex’s dad died when she was 11 from Alzheimer’s?

Sonja has a long digression about how she gardens and does yoga. She spends a lot of time alone. What is she getting at? Is she high?

Cindy can’t really deal. She needs to be alone. Jillsy — nice face when Ramona says she respects everyone. Cindy does not like this.

Somewhere in there, Alex is skyping with Simon. They do a lot of skyping. Sexy skyping ew.

Now the brunettes are going to a gorgeous hamam to soak in the crystal streams and get massaged “everywhere.” Why am I not there? It looks amazing.

Kelly wants to know, who built this hammam, how long did it take? Was there a design?

An elaborate tea is drawn up with much ceremony. Jill takes a sip and says, “It tastes like Wrigley’s spearmint gum doesn’t it. I’m mortified again.

The Upper East Side blondes are in the van on the way to the hamam talking about diarrhea and pooping. I’m sure their moms are proud. There is entirely too much doody talk. I watch television to avoid doody talk.

Ramona is swimming in the magical waters of the hammam clad in a sexy 80’s cutaway bathing suit. How old is she again? Is this the fountain of youth?? She and Jill are gearing up for their “talk,” later on, which is just so stagey and will obviously not go well. Why do Ramona and Jill even have to talk? Do we really need them to be friends?

Sonja and Cindy are trying to make up. Cindy accepts Sonja’s apology because she has just had a 5-hour full body massage and how can you possibly care about anything in that state of mind?

Later, back at the riad…..

Clink clink, clink, here comes Jill with her icy diet coke to talk to Ramona.
Ramona has all her jewelry out on display like she’s going to sell it to Jill. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

They are both quickly teary. Their conversation is hard to follow, and I actually follow this stupid s&^t. Ramona is bringing up a lot of stuff that Jill has said in the past. We all wear two faces says Jill. It’s one face versus two.

Jill wants to know why Ramona tried to ruin her life. How? Wha happen?

Ramona seems like she’s been in a lot of therapy. Your tone is angry, says Ramona like she’s watched Barbra Streisand in “The Prince of Tides” many times.

Oh, of course, its back to St. John – Jill blames Ramona for not helping work things out with Bethenney. But Ramona blames LuAnn for dragging Jill from her apartment when she tried to bring Jill and Bethenney together. Remember that Jill? You felt “ambushed?”

They are starting to go bananas. Oy, they are not listening to each other and just yelling that the other is not listening. This is so hard to understand because of the editing and I will not, cannot watch it again. Screaming.

Overheard: It’s not about you. But it’s not about YOU!

Jill does seem like she’s still blaming everyone else for her failure to amend things Bethenney. She will never let this go apparently. Letting go seems to have worked out pretty well for Bethenney. Jill might consider it.

Jill storms out and is overheard saying, “get me a phone. I need to call Bawby. I’m having a heart attack.” Ramona is left alone fake sobbing on her bed wearing yellow strappy hooker shoes.

So, the talk didn’t go so well.

See you in a couple days for the finale and then the reunion shows!!!

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Now we know where this wretched season is leading: to “Exotic, sophisticated, Morocco.” Of course it is. LuAnn has been reading tourism brochures again. Whoever came up with this fakakta idea clearly saw the Sex and the City movie and liked it. Somehow. I’m dubious, but we shall see. I’m only excited about the upcoming trip because we get to see Ramona convulsing on the bed crying like a three year old in an upcoming episode, and that looks pretty promising.

Looking Intensely Forward to Morocco. But this ep is mostly about LuAnn. She is everywhere – bossing and darlinging and pushing Morocco. Has lunch with a sweaty Sonja – fresh from the gym. Fresh from a roll in the hay is more like it — and LuAnn tells her so like your awkward uncle would. Everyone’s in Italy for truffle season, Sonja says. She is so random.

LuAnn calls Jill to get her on board for the trip. It’s exotic, it’s sophisticated, it’s like Paris but not. We hear Bawby in the background. Jill’s totally in – not wanting to miss the fun and camera time like she did on Scary Island. Alex of course is available. Kelly doesn’t want to go because she’s scared of Ramona.

LuAnn and Ramona are having tea, which is French in LuAnn’s phrasebook for confrontation. At least when Ramona is nasty to her friends she says it to their faces and not behind their backs like LuAnn. A real philosophical question: is it better to trash your friends to their faces or behind their backs? Discuss. Ramona is upset, and it’s clear from her hair in the confessional that her stylist is as well. LuAnn is pious and obnoxious.

Sonja is doing a photo shoot for a toaster oven book. Is this still a thing? Another chance to hire a “celebrity” photographer, more hair and makeup, more panties talk. Sonja shows her vagina accidentally (?) and Kelly says something like, “that just screams toaster oven.” Nice one Kelly.

The brunettes are all in a van going to Canyon Ranch! Cindy didn’t want to invite the blondes. Good for her. This crew is a little more believable as actual friends. Kelly recounts the whole Sonja toaster oven sighting. Seriously, this woman was a model (for PLAYBOY!) and she’s this freaked out by this? Cindy is unimpressed because she works with vaginas everyday. I’m not a gynecologist sayeth Kelly. No my dear, you most certainly are not.

LuAnn’s judgy about Sonja – says she’s hanging out too much with Ramona. Ramona of the drinking problem, a story line that is being edited to death by the Bravo producers.

Kelly and LuAnn are bonding about being single moms. Cindy is looking on sadly when they talk about dating. The sharks, the minnows and the bottom feeders – that’s what Kelly has to deal with. People think she’s so pretty (she says), but they don’t know how hard it is to trust. Kelly opens up about being slapped. The music swells, making a moment that might have been genuine kind of hard to take. LuAnn is moved. They hug.

They arrive at the spa. Jill’s boots are very Aspen in the 80’s, but in an actual 80’s way, not in a 2011 way.
Cindy looks pretty, and I want to be her friend because she takes people on spa weekends and buys them robes from Frette.

LuAnn: Really darling. Never open up a gift in a hotel lobby. Really? She and Sonja have such arbitrary rules.

After a good night sleep, the brunettes go to a drumming workshop with a nice hippie guy from the Berkshires. Jill is talking over him and being a hag. LuAnn has a funny line about large jewelry while drumming. Cindy’s teeth come up again. They drum. This is a fun scene.

Back in NYC, Ramona has rounded up the blondes for an afternoon at the plastic surgeon. It should be noted that Dr. Sharon Guise’s own plastic surgery looks quite good. Alex gets her face shaved and says that now that she’s modeling she should take care of her skin and hair. She allows her giant zit to be filmed so I believe she is correct. Ramona finally cops to getting work done. Duh. Thighs are covered with goo and lasers are applied.

Meanwhile, back at the Canyon Ranch, the brunettes are talking theater. Did you see the “Vagina Monocles?” A wonderful play. The brunettes play slumber party games in their robes and bond. Its nice to see everyone playing nice.

Jill is doing an event to raise money for Bullying Awareness. I wonder if Kelly is mad that Jill stole her issue from last season and made it hers. Ally is home from college and looks pretty. Jill asks Alex’s advice about dealing with Ramona over their fight at Ramona’s wine tasting but wont let her get a word in. Bully. Ramona arrives with a case of wine she intended to donate to the silent auction, but F@#* it, she’ll get the caterer, or the designer’s daughter to crack a bottle for her.

Since the blondes and brunettes are together in the same room, there’s bound to be some friction. They tussle about designers – who can wear whose clothes. Apparently Ramona has been telling designers they can’t dress the other ladies and LuAnn is pissed. LuAnn’s signature is Ungaro, why does she need to bite off Ramona’s designer David Meester? Lu is so beyotchy! Brings up the spa and the fact that none of the girls want to come on the trip because of Ramona. They are scrapping! Alex steps in. OOOH LuAnn is the thug in the cocktail dress! Finally we know. I thought for sure it was going to be Sonja.

The brunettes are excited. Kelly is coming on the trip. OMG. Definitely in her contract.

Models, catwalk, charity event.

Everyone is worried about Ramona’s drinking. Lots of shots of white wine in her hand.

Jill’s stepdaughter gets up to speak about being bullied when she was younger and is very cool and steady and articulate. She has a birthmark on her face, which Ramona points out tactfully by calling her deformed. Jill looks like she might take a swing at her.

Oh Bullying. Let’s take it on the road.

Morocco: Bring it.

xo

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Other (funnier, speedier) reviewers of this show have noted the duality of the Housewives: the light and fun women who flit around New York in a harmless way, and their darker doppelgangers, who aim to destroy and undermine each other. We open this episode with Fun Housewives: supermodel Ramona with fans whirring at a photo shoot. She’s modeling for her skin care line of Pinot Grigio soaked faith-based statement jewelry and has brought in a one-named celeb photographer, her fellow lush Sonja for tips on how to keep her eyes “soft,” and her funny assistant, who tells her she looks like a “Young Pamela Anderson.” Is that a good thing? So that’s a fun scene. Hair blown out and make up applied. Self-aware jokes about being stiff on camera. Poses. Airbrushing. Housewives bein’ housewives.

Next we head to Cindy’s giant white apartment in the West Village sky, where girls with long straight hair and jeggings hang out taking care of Cindy’s important stuff, including her little babies’ jeggings (they do exist and are wicked cute). Jill comes over to be fun and go yenta to yenta. Cindy sits on the table and they pretend to eat carbs. Cindy admits that some of these girls with the hair wake up with her children at night, which I’m sure most parents would kill for if they could afford it, but she still complains about getting woken up from the comfort of her cozy giant feather bed because she hears the girls with the hair taking care of her babies. OK! Not super sympathetic Cindy, but I do admire your honesty.

Inevitably, the talk turns to Ramona. You can tell Jill is trying to be careful, because she knows her publicist is watching so she tries not to say anything that could be construed as negative in a court of housewives. But Cindy is trying to explain what happened at their Four Seasons summit and it doesn’t take Jill long before she’s talking light trash. “Her core is not good,” says Cindy, which might just mean that she doesn’t do enough Pilates, but Ramona looks pretty good for 50 whatever, so I’m certain Cindy means her moral center. And she’s right. Ramona is a ruthless (business) person and these are not her friends. She is inappropriate and probably an alcoholic. She is also the most unpredictable, and therefore watchable member of this show, and must bring it week after week. Cindy is further setting up herself as an enemy of the State of Ramona, but luckily for her, Jill will soon be up to her old ways, and Ramona will likely care more about that fight than about Cindy. Pecking order, remember?

We’re at Sonja’s place now, and Chris March from Project Runway is here! Random, but good to see him – a person with real talent, likely looking for another gig somewhere on Bravo. Sonja has decided to have a masquerade ball and invite the ladies. But she’s on a budget because of her divorce, so she has to have an unpaid butler send out the Evites and recycle an old wig an ex gave her when they were into Henry the 8th guillotine role playing. Apparently the wig is in really bad shape because everyone keeps talking about how gross it is, but Chris March is sure he can do something fabulous with it.

Luann and Jill meet up at the go-to Housewife costume place that does not get a credit (they must be pissed about that, since everyone and their mother on this show get a little title under their name!) They have a fun chick flick montage moment trying on period costumes, and laughing, and they are being cute — the light and fluffy housewives! It’s sad how these guys are always excited to get dolled up for a party which they know is going to end badly, with someone in tears and someone with broken shins.

Back to Cindy’s, where we meet the father of her schmoopies and learn a little more about that situation. Kevin and Cindy separated shortly after she had the babies, he gets to see the them “as much as he wants” and likes to flip them upside down when he does, annoying the vajazzle out of Cindy. And Howie. WTF is up with Howie and Cindy?! He “has a weird relationship” with Kevin, i.e. he has to “take off” every time he comes over to the house. Sexual tension much? Creepy. Cindy should hold and bathe her kids more often – she seems kind of awkward and nervous with them. Or maybe she really just dislikes her ex. But that would be a strange choice putting him on camera, right? I’m sure we’ll learn more about this at a later time – Bravo is giving us little pieces of this storyline to try and make Cindy more watchable.

Back at Sonja’s, she’s getting ready for the ball, wearing a pink housedress type thing and probably fluffy high-heeled mules. She orders her butler/dancer around a bit, because she really needs a man around the house. Her niece, which I always think is such a weird word if you say it a lot – niece niece niece niece — comes over with a very reluctant stylist. Every niece should have a stylist I think. Chris March comes over with the tricked out mask, costume and wig he made for Sonja. She coos, they air kiss, and he takes off. She dresses.

We get into a minivan limo and head down to the party at Cipriani – which has gotten quite a lot of press on this show – shame they couldn’t have given poor busted Sonja the whole restaurant for a few hours instead of the tiny “vault.” LuAnn probably heard about this, because she calls in sick to Sonja’s cel phone in the limo. Anyway, what does Sonja care, she’s already getting sloshed in the car, so we know its gonna be an ugly one tonight. At the moment, we’re still in light and frothy land, but it will not last.

Everyone is here in the basement of Cipriani. Alex is brunette and dressed as Cleopatra. She looks good and doesn’t do much at this party except avoid Sonja’s wandering eyes and hands as they evaluate her breasts. Ramona is so weird and pretends not to recognize Alex and Simon when she walks into the party with Smoove Mario, even though there are likely Bravo cameras on them.

Jill comes in and starts being Judge Jillsy about the food available, the size of the space, the guests. Cindy comes in a non costume-y dress. Sonja keeps talking about all her friends in Europe and then bends over and sticks her ass out for the second week in a row, claiming to have forgotten the ruffled underwear piece of her costume. So she’s mooning everyone and slurring and honestly I zone out for a moment so I have no idea what was really said. But it was getting really fratty all up in the vault, and Sonja was screaming at her waxed chest boyfriend the Artist guy about a bruise on her ass, and I actually started surfing the web and looking at purses. The episode was sliding into the darker side of housewife land, though the camera lights still burn bright.

Kelly has a nice quotable nugget aimed at Sonja and her drunken booty showing: “I didn’t realize Sonja was so free and flamboyant with her body parts. I’m 42 years old and I want to like, hide things.” From the woman who last season POSED FOR PLAYBOY. Lord.

Cindy and Jill go to get Cindy’s teeth fixed, because that’s what friends do together. Jill knows a lot about medicine and she is telling the dentist what to do with Cindy’s giant amount of teeth. The dentist seems like a cool guy but this is a terrible storyline and I had no idea so many people had fake teeth. That’s really all I have to say about this.

Now we’re at Ramona’s wine tasting party in a restaurant. As I mentioned, Ramona likes wine, so she made her own and put her name on the bottle.

Here’s Jennifer, you know, the one who let the show film her wedding where all this drama happened with Jill and Ramona and Howie and the girlfriend and the cigar? She has a weird accent. What is that? Minnesota? Canada? She tells Ramona that Jill was harassing her at her wedding and asking her why she invited Simon and Alex. According to Jennifer, Jill also wanted to know, how close were Jennifer and Ramona? Ramona is totally leading the witness.. Oooh, Jennifer is so exaggerating – she absolutely will be on this show next season when Cindy takes off. Ramona is upset.

Alex is sipping wine and has a great line. “Ramona is to Pinot Grigio as salt is to the ocean. “ The Countess is here and now is an expert on wine because of her boyfriend the French guy who used to be on Perfect Strangers. So she obnoxiously quizzes Ramona until Ramona grows flustered and tells her to STFU. LuAnn knows Ramona is about to go off, because of the look she has in her black holes eyes.

Here comes Jill, oblivious to what’s about to happen. Ramona is panting to confront. Ramona is so angry with Jill for talking behind her back! Jill denies, tries to fight back (Who said it? When? Where’s the documentation? – she would have made a good reporter). Now Jill tells Ramona she shouldn’t ambush her. She has NO right to do this to her at her party. This is such a good fight!!! Jill storms out and Ramona is shaking and Jill runs smack into Jennifer, who tries to compliment her coat but Jill cuts her right off. They discuss someone who gets beeped out who said something to Jennifer at the wedding and then end up hugging.

Meanwhile Ramona is ranting and waving her head like a maniac to Alex who looks worried Ramona will drink her. And then Jill decides to go back into the party and confront Ramona again. Great idea Jill. This will not end well. She worked it out with Jennifer, which doesn’t mean that she didn’t talk sh** on Ramon. This is insane – all these women do is talk behind each other’s back! “Say it to my face,” says Ramona. “Why don’t we have lunch?” Jill says, wonderfully. Ramona: “I wasn’t having a fight. I was having a discussion,” but a discussion where you scream at each other. This one has no class – that one has no manners! Ramona’s head is likely to snap off her neck. Jill is staying calm and telling Ramona she needs help. She looks incredibly sober next to Ramona.

Now Jill crying in the car to Bawby on speaker phone. He is consoling her. Love Bawby. Jill is bawling her eyes out to LuAnn and calls Ramona a bitch. Yes! Jill is back! LuAnn is supporting her. And clearly she’s setting up the “Ramona is an alcoholic” intervention scenes that are sure to come. Jill even references that during her fight – “Ramona, you’re out of control.”

Oh, parties. So much promise and anticipation before hand, much regret, clean-up and Pinot Grigio hangovers afterwards. Where are all those unpaid European butlers to dance us away from our darkness at the end of the night?

xo

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

This is an episode where not much action happens, just a lot of meetings at restaurants and homes where various groups of housewives anticipate other upcoming meetings at restaurants and homes. Factions have formed, and the Housewives are trying to overcome the Great Toaster Oven Party Scandal, the Great Quogue debacle, and several more long ranging tribal wars that have developed over the past few seasons.

Jill is back from Australia, after a much needed Public Relations Vacation. She is really tan. She and Bawby had the most amazing time. It was a fresh start, she says, staying away from gossip and bad energy. She gives really cheesy little souvenir koalas to LuAnn, Sonja, and Kelly, who have all gathered for lunch to catch Jill up on the Quogue incident. LuAnn tells her about the cigars and Howie and Carol and Ramona’s bad judgment at Cindy’s birthday party. Jill says she doesn’t want to get involved in gossip and drama on the testimonial and then immediately starts dissing Ramona to the other ladies. Ramona leaves dead bodies all over town, she says. So much for staying out of it Jillsy!

Kelly faces down Ramona, and more, after the jump…
Sonja decides to coach Kelly because she is going to have a sit down with Ramona, something about a late night text Ramona sent to Kelly about her lack of support. Kelly has been living in fear of Ramona since they got back from their Caribbean nightmare vacation last season, so she is finally going to talk to Ramona because she’s concerned about her. But she’s also scared of her. Sonja has the episode’s best non sequitur when she questions Kelly’s feeling “threatened.” “A threat,” she opines, “is a horse head in your bed. Or working in a union restaurant where people can get away with murder sometimes.” Um, ok Sonja. Bravo editors, hello? Did you cut off a crucial part of what Sonja said? Sonja is hilarious impersonating Ramona. If things don’t work out with the show, those two can always take in on the road – do a ventriloquist act or something. Regardless, Kelly is now prepped for her summit with Ramona.

Quirky piano music plays as we travel over to Brooklyn. There’s a weird man tickling the ivories in the Silex house. “Who is that guy?” says their son Francois as they walk into their home. Yes, who is he? Seems Alex has bought a surprise birthday present for her kid that he doesn’t want. Wah wah. Francois takes piano lessons with a Julliard graduate. Alex has to drop that fact and the New York Foundation for the Arts casually into the conversation somehow, which she manages awkwardly, and then tells the kid not to get fingerprints on the piano. Uch, forcing these kids to perform on camera is never a good idea. It’s probably jarring for them to come into their home and have some random scary thing going on. They do not like being on camera and their parents should stop forcing it. It makes the kids seem maladjusted and it needs to stop. Its times like these when I’m impatient with Alex.

Ramona is at another restaurant to meet Kelly, with Sonja as their political adviser. Kelly can’t stand confrontation. Ramona doesn’t have a lot of patience for Kelly she says, but she seems, at the very least, sober. She’s sorry about the late night aggressive text she sent, admits she was childish and her feelings were hurt. I think this is about an event Ramona had that Kelly didn’t come to, or Ramona didn’t invite her to – I can’t keep track. But she apologizes. Kelly was concerned about her – code for saying she thinks she is a lush. She doesn’t think Ramona had her back on the trip to Scary Island. She won’t forget the bad things Ramona said to her. Good for Kelly! They are speaking VERY CAREFULLY. I feel like they are in couples therapy and Sonja is their therapist, dear Lord. So cute, they picked out outfits in response to each other – to level the playing field, if you will. Kelly dressed “uptown” in an oxford shirt and blazer, and Ramona “downtown” in her weird black leather pleated cheerleader skirt. Ramona is being adult and apologizing, seeming reasonable for once. Sonja lays down the groundwork for her fight with Cindy. Kelly looks relieved not to have bad stuff with scary Ramona anymore and lets out this genius quote: “You either fight to fight or fight to win and I’m not fighting at all.” Riiiight. Go Kells. You are lucky you are pretty.

Sonja has a houseman!!! He is a dancer/houseman. He answers the door of Sonja’s townhouse attached to a parking garage when Cindy arrives for tea and another lecture from Sonja about manners. Cindy awkwardly tries to flirt and cha-cha with the dancing houseboy and Sonja calls her out. Now maybe downtown it’s acceptable to dance with someone’s houseboy but uptown certainly not. The tone is set. Sonja takes out her boobs and settles down for tea, which soon turns into finger wagging and martinis to cope. The jist is this: Cindy needs to respect the pecking order. Sonja was ready to have a toaster oven party and broker peace in Housewifelandia and Cindy does not have the policy experience to get in the middle of Kelly and Ramona. Cindy is trying to defend herself but forgets that she can’t lie on camera because the editors will always find the footage that will contradict her. So she is busted for warning Kelly that she should not bring her kids to the toaster party. Whoops.

According to Sonja, Ramona is the queen and Cindy needs to give Ramona (and Sonja) their due and quit disrespectin.’ She should not have squashed Sonja’s plans to bring R and K together and she is not to be trusted. Sonja brings up the fact again that no one wanted to come to her party an hour out of their way, and again that Cindy didn’t have a Pinot Grigio drip ready for insertion upon Ramona’s arrival at the birthday party. For the love of Quogue! Oh yeah, it’s still a thing! Cindy can’t believe this bull—- but seriously honey, what did expect when you signed on for this?

God, I’m not gonna make it through this episode. I feel like Cindy is a stand-in for us, the viewers at home. How can these people behave this way? But will she too get sucked in? Last season I thought Sonja was normal.

On to another scene with LuAnn being a total hag. Ramona invites her to a jewelry party at a hotel lobby or something. We see immediately that this is another one of Ramona’s marketing opps and that she’s wearing her “businesswoman” attitude. LuAnn, who is soooo classy and has suuuuuch great taste in jewelry, rudely disses Ramona’s line of jewelry and is appalled at the fact that this is a money making, multi-level marketing scheme and that there are women there to sell the stuff and try and make a little scratch. Look at the Lu’s own earrings! They are heinous. Then LuAnn mocks Ramona’s Italian pronunciation and her knowledge of European wine growing regions. But she does put Ramona in her place by telling her she behaved really poorly at the Cindy party with the demand for Pinot and the hounding of the dead man’s cigar smoker. At least her patronizing tone can cut through Ramona’s mania at times. But still, she is insufferable.

Cindy meets up with Kelly in Central Park after her course in The Sonja School of Housewife Hierarchy and we see she’s wearing a snazzy downtown outfit herself, with shorts and thigh high boots. They walk and talk about what just happened at Sonja’s and OMG run right into Jill and Ginger. Yum, Jack and Ginger….. what? Sorry, just thinking about how I wish I had a cocktail right now. Kelly and Cindy pretend to be interested in Jill’s dog in that way people do with other people’s dogs and kids, and then they discuss Sonja’s pecking order diatribe with Jill, who thinks Ramona and Sonja have been spending too much time together and picking up each other’s bad habits.

Speaking of which, on to a mortifying clip of Sonja showing her ass in a slutty cheerleader outfit (pigtails! Spanx!) with a bunch of firemen calendar hotties (abs! waxed chests!) at a fundraiser for the ASCPA. Sonja is learning how to survive on this Housewife planet. She knows what she has to do to stay relevant and is doing it. But her quick trajectory from cool mellow interesting rich lady to this aggressively mean, cougar-y drag queen is so sharp it makes me wonder what her friends and family (daughter especially!) must think of all this.

Kelly heads off to Sonja’s finally for this much discussed toaster oven luncheon, with LuAnn now subbing for Ramona. Maybe Ramona is trying to develop her own line of faith based toaster oven jewelry and her lawyers have decided she can’t do it contractually, or else LuAnn jumped at more camera time to be snotty and judgmental with Sonja. After all that yapping about it, Sonja just makes some fish and asparagus in her hilariously ghetto toaster and her, Kelly and LuAnn eat it and its over. LuAnn’s not sold on the idea. Sonja makes a big deal about how there’s no clean up when you cook in the toaster oven and then we see her butler/houseboy doing the dishes in the background. Classic.
Cindy and Ramona meet at the Four Seasons for their confrontation. Ramona, in a power play, keeps her sunglasses on as Cindy approaches the table. Cindy tells us that Ramona apologized to her on the phone after the Quogue incident, but that she wanted to meet in person and “get her head around the apology.” I’m guessing the Bravo producers had something to do with this. They both discuss what happened between them in Quogue from their perspective, and then there is a stand off. Ramona acts innocent and confused (and possibly Xanaxed) and Cindy is flustered – she obviously wants an apology on camera from Ramona for ruining her birthday party and she is not going to get it.

Cut to Brooklyn, where Jill stands in stilettos on Alex’s stoop. Jill is here to make amends, and she climbs the stairs with a purpose. The guy playing the piano is not there anymore, which is good, I had expected him to stay on 24 hours a day until Francois got with the program. Alex is leery, weary, skeptical etc about anything Jill might say, and with good reason. Jill puts her foot in her mouth right away, trying to say something nice out about her hair, but she ends up insulting her. Jill admits to making mistakes and wanting to get back to being good together. Alex is unconvinced.

Back to Ramona and Cindy. Cindy brings up the wine incident at the party again, finally discovering too late that this is a talking point. Ramona is now in defensive mode and throws a bomb at Cindy: maybe if she had been married for 18 years she would know how to communicate or compromise. Silence. It is very awkward. Cindy gets out her phone — a very 2011 way to deal with the situation. Ramona leaves shortly after. I don’t even know what to say about this fight except that poor Cindy is not long for this Housewife basic training.

Ramona and Cindy’s aborted “discussion” is juxtaposed against Jill and Alex’s, who seem to be getting somewhere. Jill is initially defensive but Alex stays calm. Even if Jill is only making up with Alex this to improve her terrible image on the show, I like this scene between them because it feels real. Jill cops to being disrespectful to Alex with regards to her husband and kids, which was all Alex probably wanted to hear. Jill admits to being angry and hurt by Alex as well, which I don’t really believe, but Jill is winning me back a bit. Alex concedes that no one is perfect and says that this is the first time the two of them have had a two-way conversation. Then they go on to perform a teenage empowerment exercise Jill may have learned in Australia, where they write down an event they want to let go on a slip of paper, and then they burn it in Alex’s crappy Webber grill. Next Jill stands up on Johann’s picnic table, closes her eyes and falls backward into Alex’s arms trusting that she will catch her. Just kidding. But wouldn’t that be funny?

Next week, the Housewives have a sleepover bull session where everyone goes around and says something positive about each other, and then about themselves. Then they do a backrub chain and have a séance. I know Alex and Jill will be there, but we’ll have to see about getting the rest of the ladies to show up. Especially if it’s in Brooklyn.

xo

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

It is just after the Royal Wedding between Kate and Will. I was getting a real sepia toned vibe from the tiny bit of proceedings I watched, but that’s probably because I remember waking up early in the morning in 1981 at age nine and watching Charles and Diana do the very same pomping and frippering. That was a much less celebrity-focused and media bifurcated time, but I guess it was the very first reality show I would see. Such innocence. Today, Kate and Will waved to their subjects from the Buckingham Palace flying buttressed balconies with giant Jumbotron screens staring back at themselves, and over 3 billion people watched, while “Royalty experts” like the Countess were probably hired by some 24 hour cable network to blab about titles and classes and castes and manners. How entirely appropriate for this week’s Housewives of New York, who were boring, awful, and as usual, so covetous of being classy. I’m sure they watched “commoner” Kate with envy in their tiny little hearts. All these ladies want is for everyone to validate how much class they have, and meanwhile, they are like six year olds wrestling over plastic tiara party favors at the princess birthday party.

We open with Cindy and Sonja meeting at the Vivienne Tam store for lunch/shopping/Vivienne Tam promotion, but unfortunately for everyone, including all of us viewers, Cindy has cracked her teeth on some nuts after heavy martini drinking. To quote another show on Thursday nights that is actually worth watching, “that’s what she said!” Sonja looked primed to make one of her saucy “nuts in the mouth” jokes, which Cindy might not have gotten.

Cindy seems to have some trouble in the over-sharing department. She has her veneers packed away in her Hermes. It’s good at least, that she knows how to pronounce “Hermes.” “Ramona” not so much (“Ramoner,” she says, betraying her Longuyland roots). Poor Cindy. I feel for her, I do. She’s still trying to act like being friends with these crazy bitches is somehow natural. So back to the teeth for a second. Veneers are one of those things that look really expensive and I guess are. Are they dentures? She did have some Fixadent in her Hermes. Weird. I love it when Sonja says, “I have a girlfriend with half her teeth gone, and she still takes steak no problem.” Takes her steak. I do respect that Cindy is honest about the level of effort she makes in order to look good. That must be what happens when you have to talk and think about pubic hair all the time. But the whole fake teeth thing makes me wonder how old she actually is. Is she 70?

The recap continues with Real Housewives 101, after the jump…


Sonja. She is brutal. Acting out the Real Housewives 101 syllabus, taught in fine Universities the world over. Roman Numeral I.) Any potential wound once festering betwixt Housewives should be brought up on camera and have salt ground directly into it. That salty wound this week is the damaged relationship between Ramona and Kelly. So Sonja’s solution to whatever has happened between these two last season on Scary Island is to use another point from the coursework and impose an event or “thing” you invented with your publicist. Sadly, Sonja’s involves cooking in a toaster oven. Random! It appears she will hold a non-disclosure Toaster Oven Cooking Party™, in which she will not tell Ramona or Kelly respectively that the other is coming. The set is staged. I told you Sonja is totally the new Jill!

Vivinenne Tam the designer comes out and murmurs. The ladies try on some dresses. Cindy looks good in them. Sonja too, she’s certainly pretty, and still has that going for her, even if her personality grows uglier with each passing episode. Sonja’s whining because she’s hungry and wants to go to Cipriani. She came all the way downtown in her car with her driver! Cindy is trying to make the best of all of this. She invites Sonja to a party in the Hamptons next weekend. She’ll be doing the party at a horse farm. There will be riding lessons and Jewish people pretending to like them. It will be in Quogue. But Sonja won’t go to Quogue. Its too much a of drive, see, because she’s in Southampton. Sonja is upset about not going to lunch at Cipriani so she will punish Cindy by not going to Quogue. Cindy exits stage left to go to her dentist while Sonja pouts and whines. Sheesh girl, grab a freaking veggie wrap.

Now we’re in the Hamptons for the remainder of the episode. Luann is at home with Victoria, her 15 year-old daughter. LuAnn is explaining her life and schedule with Jacques to the camera. She’s really glad all the summer people are gone, and she has “her” Hamptons back. She’s with Jacques in the city, doing her music (what is she doing with it exactly, I wonder) during the week, going to parties, going shopping. The kids are being watched by a mother’s helper. It’s all good. Not like they need to be with their mom or anything – they’re teenagers! Makes perfect sense. The cameras spend a leeeetle too much time on Jacques and the dog. Boring. I find myself thinking about the Count. Does he see the kids? How’s that whole thing going?

Now we’re with Kelly in the Hamptons in the fall. It’s got all her favorite things: kids dogs and horses. The sunset is so pink. Yay! I think she’d really get along with my four-year old daughter. Kelly and Sonja go riding in fancy outfits and Kelly establishes her dominance. Sonja does her suggestive sexual thing: “I grew up riding,” beat… beat…., “bareback.” Kelly knows what she’s doing and is bossing Sonja around. Scary music! Foreshadowing. Sonja falls off of the horse. And … commercial. This show is so boring they have to make drama out of nothing. And they show her fall again. She’s fine, though she does seem a little out of breath – like she’s had the wind knocked out of her. She and Kelly sit down and have a chat by the fence and beautiful foliage. They connect. Kells and Ramona haven’t spoken since scary island. Sonja brings up her toaster oven thing.

Jill is still in Australia? This is starting to get weird. Is she in jail? Rehab?

Now we’re at LuAnn’s for a top of the long weekend all ladies cocktail party. Is there a theme? If so it’s not obvious, so I think LuAnn’s theme party is this dog walking thing tomorrow. Again Sonja brings up how she’s not doing Quogue. It’s not “in,” explains LuAnn. It’s low rent. Cindy is kind of having trouble getting a word in about her poor little theme party. What’s going on here? She doesn’t like her birthday, but it’s a birthday, but it’s a horse riding party but kids can come but its in Quogue. Why do people keep saying Quogue? Sonja won’t shut the f— up and let Cindy talk. Quogue Quogue Quogue.

Luann gets a t-shirt from Kelly honoring Native Americans. She really likes Native American jewelry so it’s a really thoughtful gift. She brings Sonja some toaster strudels. Just kidding.

On and on with this party for Cindy. She’s getting a bit hazed. No one’s assistant got the emails. Oooh, Sonja just dissed Cindy by saying her invite went to junk mail. Oh no she didden! Cindy is hating on her.

Here comes Alex in a fur vest. She just spent three hours on the Long Island Expressway either with Simon or Ramona, possibly both. Get this woman a drink! Here is Ramona. Rude rude rude. Cindy hates her — you can see it in her teeth. Now Ramona is about to attack LuAnn’s parenting. LuAnn is defensive – who wouldn’t be, and will surely diss her later in a confessional.

Cindy tells Kelly what Sonja is up to with operation Toaster Oven Ambush, but she only warns her in a scary way – “don’t bring your kids.” Her thought is that Kelly is such a great mother that she wouldn’t want to put her kids in that position. OK. Maybe don’t bring your kids to a toaster oven party …. at all! Take them to the library or something. But come on Cindy. If you’re going to talk behind people’s backs on camera, you might as well go all the way. Sonja is officially betrayed. I guess Cindy is taking the Housewives 101 syllabus pretty seriously as well. Ramona is making crazy drunk eyes and looks like she is going to eat Cindy. A successful ladies cocktail party for sure.

The following morning, Luann has invited the Housewives to an animal rescue dog walk. Dogs walk. I’m all for animal rescue but I find story lines that focus on dogs pretty boring. Ramona’s stylist is clearly sleeping off a crystal meth binge because Mo-mo is wearing a burgundy Juicy sweatsuit while unconvincingly walking a dog and explaining this whole story with the cigars and Cindy’s brother Howie to LuAnn. She’s very upset, and it’s early in the morning so it’s unlikely but not impossible that she’s drunk. Howie, you remember from the syllabus, is now married to this widow of Ramona’s friend Jeff. And she happens to look just like Cindy. Howie was smoking one of this dead man’s cigars at a wedding, and Ramona went ballistic. Luann is talking Ramona down like she’s a teenager. Maybe she is a good mom. LuAnn is not offending me this episode.

Kelly leaks it back to Sonja that she knows about the Toaster Oven Party Secret Time. God this is soo boring. Kelly knows that she can’t be in a combative situation with Ramona. Kelly looks pretty good in leggings. Ha ha, Sonja is wearing heels on the beach. Here comes Kelly making sand angels!
Ah Noel! Skateboards! Cute. He’s a little entrepreneur. The scene in the skateboarding shop in the Hamptons with the shopkeeper with the beard is more than a little forced. But what isn’t?

Here we are in low rent Quiggity Quoguitty. OMG Howie! Cindy is in her Jewish cowgirl plaid. I don’t even ride horses, she says. Here comes Aggro-Ramona. Do you have Pinot Grigio for me, she demands to Cindy. Oy. She is obnoxious.

I am dying to see LuAnn’s accessories closet.

Ramona ate before she came. Luann clearly thinks Ramona is an alcoholic. I love how Kelly lets her daughter drive the four wheeler with no helmet but was so worried about Sonja’s safety on a horse. Great mom!

Kelly doesn’t want confrontation so she blows off Ramona. Kelly didn’t invite Ramona to some other theme party she is having, and Cindy brings it up in front of both of them. Did she mean to? Cindy is learning!! Go girl.

Oooh Ramona is mad from the Kelly non-invite party situation and on a Turtle Time tear. First she rides a horse and demands it go faster. Then she tries to confront Howie on camera again to talk to him about the cigar incident. Cindy’s poor old Jewish man father looks totally bewildered, while Howie’s Cindy lookalike plaid shirted girlfriend Carol just shakes her head. Ramona continues to berate Howie, while Cindy gets between them. Is someone gonna tackle Ramona or what? Now Ramona is crying. Who was this Jeff Furman? She seems legitimately upset but it just doesn’t seem like working it out through a reality show is really the best call. Maybe call Howie off camera at the Vajazzling Center or take him for lunch at Cipriani.

Is a cigar just a cigar I wonder?

The last line of the show, somehow fittingly, is Cindy’s. “I have a problem with dip,” she says, futzing over a veggie plate while uncomfortably trying to disguise the fail that is her riding theme/birthday/non birthday/Quogue flog. Oh Cindy, put it on your blog.

xo

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

While we were apart, I came to the realization that I must simply grit my teeth and grind this puppy out, because RHONY is officially going from bad to worse. Last week I tried to watch and was physically unable to do so until a week later, mostly because I was away from my television, but also because I really needed some space after Episode One. So yeah. S’gonna be a long season.

When I close my eyes and think about that terrible scene last week at the Gay Equality March with Simon in a rainbow bolero and the other (divorced) ladies in wedding dresses, and the aftermath of Sonja spewing at Alex to GET OUT OF HER INTIMATE ART PARTY with all of these discreet people there to buy beautiful wonderful Art, I cringe and die a bit inside. Hands down, the best line during the fight between Alex and Sonja, as Alex kept trying and failing to yelp with dignity about “checking the website,” was when Sonja said (and I don’t think I’m paraphrasing here) “we all love our gays. But this was my day.” Simon — is that his name? – Simon somehow managed to actually get into Sonja’s ear and buzz around or something. It was really upsetting to her.

So yes, Sonja is the new Jill. But in her defense, it really is a lot of responsibility to be the Grand Marshall of a Gay Parade, you know? It can really get to a person! The gays need their role models! Why doesn’t Alex understand this?

Other things happened. Alex talked to Simon on a cell phone in full bondage wear after getting kicked to the curb by Sonja, which gave us another chance to see the lovely parking garage that Sonja’s fabulous townhouse abuts. We see the painting that Sonja’s mortified artist boyfriend painted of her. I think I saw a similar portrait in a frame store in Surfside, Florida, alongside a painting of all the Republican Presidents since Lincoln sitting around playing poker. We hear the other ladies murmuring about how the painting isn’t very good, doesn’t do her justice. Sonja gets drunk and acts again like a 13-year-old girl at her Bat Mitzvah when she knows the videographer has all cameras on her during the candle lighting ceremony. And then everyone goes home and their faces melt off.

That was episode two. So on to episode three.

Epic recap, after the jump…

We open on Countess LuAnn and Kelly getting gorgeous in a salon. Immigrant people are buffing their hands and feet and they are Connecting. Kelly admits to having a bumpy road to love. She is showing vulnerability. Countess and Kells seem to kind of be having an actual sincere conversation, which is truncated because who wants to see any of these people behaving like normal and boring people. Great, Kells wants to meet a man and have another baby. Sounds like a really good idea. Luann brings up a social club for singles involving wine. Sounds even better.

Alex and Sonja are having lunch somewhere lovely with fresh flowers. Alex informs us that she wants to clear the air with Sonja after the whole getting kicked out of her house thing before the situation escalates. That’s mature of her. Sonja walks in and in a power move, keeps on her coat because she’s wearing her yoga clothes, while Alex is in full hair and makeup. “I’m like light and fun,” Sonja reminds us, yet again. Poor Alex has that stress rash on her neck that she gets. Sonja is totally offending Alex by repeatedly dissing Simon. So uncool. How is Alex not storming out of this lunch? Poor Alex really is trying to be diplomatic and adult, and Sonja thinks she’s a huge loser. This is very Season One with the all of the Simon bashing. Everyone else has come to terms with him at this point. Didn’t Sonja get the memo? She is pissing up the wrong bidet for sure. The tense conversation ends with the two women agreeing not to discuss this whole situation further. Riiiight.

Kelly and Cindy are so “downtown,” so they meet in a restaurant there. Cindy is shaking. She’s really upset because she had to fire one of her nannies. The nanny is not nice to her. She has attitude. She was supposed to sleep over every night and didn’t want to. Kelly looks like she just remembered that she has kids of her own. Yikes, is someone watching them? Cindy is tough in business but not when it comes to her babies. She has her brother fire the nanny.

Kelly has to send an email to Ramona but it’s hard. How annoying to sit with someone while they read you a text or email they are crafting – imagine if you had to do it with Kelly? Words are difficult to put next to each other in order, but with Cindy’s assistance, Kelly manages. Kelly bites into a salad with her giant white teeth. She’s totally pigging out.

We learn that Ramona is modeling again. Last season we were treated to a fashion show when the she zoolandered her way down the runway, not blinking or breathing. Turns out she’s scared of photographers. Not reality show cameras in every room and at every public event she attends. It’s those still cameras with the flashes. They really spook her! “Just imagine they aren’t there,” says the designer, a very helpful hint by the way. Sonja is there with the designer (the gays!) to move along the Kelly/Ramona manufactured non-thing with the emailing. Sonja gives Ramona some generic advice about letting it go, I think, even though we just suffered through her non-thing with Alex where she was clearly not letting anything go.

Soooooo. Where are we? Frere Jacque and Count-essa. Hi guys. Tonight Lu is helping brand her boyfriend Jacque as a wine distributor person by organizing an event with wine tasting and single people. Like speed dating, but with wines from Bordeaux. Maybe her haggy housewife friends will meet some Europeans, LuAnn postulates. She suggests swallowing the wines rather than just keeping them in the mouth, and laughs knowingly. Keeping it Klassy Kountess.

Montages with Kelly, Sonja and Cindy meeting guys ensue. Kelly to young acting student at Julliard – what instrument do you play? Um, I’m an actor. Kelly brings up the film “Due Date” and a scene that struck her. Young actor guy decides to improvise on camera. It is a bold choice. He is a bad actor. This is not going well. More convos about being old (Cindy), why do you swirl wine around in the glass (Kelly), and astrology and boobies (Sonja). Classic reality show stuff.

Cut to …. Alex and family are going to Governors Island on a boat. Simon has planned a party for her with picnic tables and Brooklyn hipsters they hired for the day. He may be wearing an ascot.

Cindy is there with her babies and her team of nannies. Kelly and daughters are coming too. They don’t like it here. Because Kelly and Cindy live “downtown,” they don’t really like to go anywhere in the rest of New York City. It’s just too cold and they don’t like little hotdogs. They arrive late, complain, and leave early. Alex and Simon are back to being pretentious and making lots of toasts all the time, while everyone else on the show is hating on them more than ever. That seems to be their defense mechanism – the more people criticize them, the more speeches they insist on making. Alex insists on having a good time, though, putting on a brave face and steeling on through.

Back to Ramona and modeling. Ooh, I hope Alex comes so there can be some model back and forth between the two professional models. Yay, here she is.

How awkward. Simon Sonja and Alex. But tonight is Ramona’s night. Group hug. That was weird, says Sonja. I concur.

Everyone’s ready to mock Ramona again. But the Ramonster looks good, and her blue steel this time is not all that mockable. She does fine. Compared to the other real models, though, she’s almost like a mascot, says Sonja. Meow!

We’re at the Cindy’s intimate areas spa now. Cindy in Missoni. Luann in Native American turquoise statement jewelry. Talking about hair down there. But Luann doesn’t share those kind of details, darling. Seriously, Kelly doesn’t know what a Brazilian is? Cindy is getting annoyed. It’s fine to talk about hair, Jesus Christ already. “A lady never discusses female landscaping,” LuAnn says, and then takes the freebie laser treatment on camera. Oh lord. Luann is a jackass.

OMG Alex is modeling too. Oooh. So glamorous. Being jammed in the closet with two cranky stylists. At least she’s honest, though, she says she’s doing it to make money. I’d love to hear Kelly say that. Alex doesn’t seem very comfortable during the shoot, and again I’m feeling kind of bad for her. Her hair looks whack and she and the photog are not communicating. He seems annoyed. I think he may be the same guy that produced LuAnn’s record.

On to Ramona. Another event with a table of blonde women, place cards and Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio. Avery’s here, with long hair and boobs! Jill sent Ramona a text from Australia congratulating her on her big day. (I have never seen more people talk about “Their Day/Their Night.” WTF is this?) Ramona likes to be stroked and Jill is learning. Luann is not here tonight because she uses her kid as an excuse not to come to Ramona’s event. Avery brings this up. Housewife in training!

Sonja disses Alex’s hair. She does look insane. But, she just came from a shoot. You know, because she is a fashion model. And Alex is still nice. Says something gracious about Ramona being a good businesswoman. Ramona makes a speech – “It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from college.” Then she gets angry at her father – maybe because she turned out to be such a bad writer of speeches? Perhaps she should reach out to Simon and Alex for help. She stutters incoherently. And then someone spontaneously gives her a show on Bravo on public speaking.

Wow, I guess a lot happened in this episode. And I think we all learned something. I learned that for every nice seeming person on this show, another — within episodes – will evolve into a raving narcissistic bitch. I also learned that once I get going, I can convince myself that this show is good clean fun and that I’m not permanently damaging my retinas and long-term memory.
But to pause for a moment of reflection going in to this Easter weekend, the real question I want to put out there is this: WWJDIHWARH? What would Jesus Do if He were a Real Housewife?

Think about it.

xo