By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

While we were apart, I came to the realization that I must simply grit my teeth and grind this puppy out, because RHONY is officially going from bad to worse. Last week I tried to watch and was physically unable to do so until a week later, mostly because I was away from my television, but also because I really needed some space after Episode One. So yeah. S’gonna be a long season.

When I close my eyes and think about that terrible scene last week at the Gay Equality March with Simon in a rainbow bolero and the other (divorced) ladies in wedding dresses, and the aftermath of Sonja spewing at Alex to GET OUT OF HER INTIMATE ART PARTY with all of these discreet people there to buy beautiful wonderful Art, I cringe and die a bit inside. Hands down, the best line during the fight between Alex and Sonja, as Alex kept trying and failing to yelp with dignity about “checking the website,” was when Sonja said (and I don’t think I’m paraphrasing here) “we all love our gays. But this was my day.” Simon — is that his name? – Simon somehow managed to actually get into Sonja’s ear and buzz around or something. It was really upsetting to her.

So yes, Sonja is the new Jill. But in her defense, it really is a lot of responsibility to be the Grand Marshall of a Gay Parade, you know? It can really get to a person! The gays need their role models! Why doesn’t Alex understand this?

Other things happened. Alex talked to Simon on a cell phone in full bondage wear after getting kicked to the curb by Sonja, which gave us another chance to see the lovely parking garage that Sonja’s fabulous townhouse abuts. We see the painting that Sonja’s mortified artist boyfriend painted of her. I think I saw a similar portrait in a frame store in Surfside, Florida, alongside a painting of all the Republican Presidents since Lincoln sitting around playing poker. We hear the other ladies murmuring about how the painting isn’t very good, doesn’t do her justice. Sonja gets drunk and acts again like a 13-year-old girl at her Bat Mitzvah when she knows the videographer has all cameras on her during the candle lighting ceremony. And then everyone goes home and their faces melt off.

That was episode two. So on to episode three.

Epic recap, after the jump…

We open on Countess LuAnn and Kelly getting gorgeous in a salon. Immigrant people are buffing their hands and feet and they are Connecting. Kelly admits to having a bumpy road to love. She is showing vulnerability. Countess and Kells seem to kind of be having an actual sincere conversation, which is truncated because who wants to see any of these people behaving like normal and boring people. Great, Kells wants to meet a man and have another baby. Sounds like a really good idea. Luann brings up a social club for singles involving wine. Sounds even better.

Alex and Sonja are having lunch somewhere lovely with fresh flowers. Alex informs us that she wants to clear the air with Sonja after the whole getting kicked out of her house thing before the situation escalates. That’s mature of her. Sonja walks in and in a power move, keeps on her coat because she’s wearing her yoga clothes, while Alex is in full hair and makeup. “I’m like light and fun,” Sonja reminds us, yet again. Poor Alex has that stress rash on her neck that she gets. Sonja is totally offending Alex by repeatedly dissing Simon. So uncool. How is Alex not storming out of this lunch? Poor Alex really is trying to be diplomatic and adult, and Sonja thinks she’s a huge loser. This is very Season One with the all of the Simon bashing. Everyone else has come to terms with him at this point. Didn’t Sonja get the memo? She is pissing up the wrong bidet for sure. The tense conversation ends with the two women agreeing not to discuss this whole situation further. Riiiight.

Kelly and Cindy are so “downtown,” so they meet in a restaurant there. Cindy is shaking. She’s really upset because she had to fire one of her nannies. The nanny is not nice to her. She has attitude. She was supposed to sleep over every night and didn’t want to. Kelly looks like she just remembered that she has kids of her own. Yikes, is someone watching them? Cindy is tough in business but not when it comes to her babies. She has her brother fire the nanny.

Kelly has to send an email to Ramona but it’s hard. How annoying to sit with someone while they read you a text or email they are crafting – imagine if you had to do it with Kelly? Words are difficult to put next to each other in order, but with Cindy’s assistance, Kelly manages. Kelly bites into a salad with her giant white teeth. She’s totally pigging out.

We learn that Ramona is modeling again. Last season we were treated to a fashion show when the she zoolandered her way down the runway, not blinking or breathing. Turns out she’s scared of photographers. Not reality show cameras in every room and at every public event she attends. It’s those still cameras with the flashes. They really spook her! “Just imagine they aren’t there,” says the designer, a very helpful hint by the way. Sonja is there with the designer (the gays!) to move along the Kelly/Ramona manufactured non-thing with the emailing. Sonja gives Ramona some generic advice about letting it go, I think, even though we just suffered through her non-thing with Alex where she was clearly not letting anything go.

Soooooo. Where are we? Frere Jacque and Count-essa. Hi guys. Tonight Lu is helping brand her boyfriend Jacque as a wine distributor person by organizing an event with wine tasting and single people. Like speed dating, but with wines from Bordeaux. Maybe her haggy housewife friends will meet some Europeans, LuAnn postulates. She suggests swallowing the wines rather than just keeping them in the mouth, and laughs knowingly. Keeping it Klassy Kountess.

Montages with Kelly, Sonja and Cindy meeting guys ensue. Kelly to young acting student at Julliard – what instrument do you play? Um, I’m an actor. Kelly brings up the film “Due Date” and a scene that struck her. Young actor guy decides to improvise on camera. It is a bold choice. He is a bad actor. This is not going well. More convos about being old (Cindy), why do you swirl wine around in the glass (Kelly), and astrology and boobies (Sonja). Classic reality show stuff.

Cut to …. Alex and family are going to Governors Island on a boat. Simon has planned a party for her with picnic tables and Brooklyn hipsters they hired for the day. He may be wearing an ascot.

Cindy is there with her babies and her team of nannies. Kelly and daughters are coming too. They don’t like it here. Because Kelly and Cindy live “downtown,” they don’t really like to go anywhere in the rest of New York City. It’s just too cold and they don’t like little hotdogs. They arrive late, complain, and leave early. Alex and Simon are back to being pretentious and making lots of toasts all the time, while everyone else on the show is hating on them more than ever. That seems to be their defense mechanism – the more people criticize them, the more speeches they insist on making. Alex insists on having a good time, though, putting on a brave face and steeling on through.

Back to Ramona and modeling. Ooh, I hope Alex comes so there can be some model back and forth between the two professional models. Yay, here she is.

How awkward. Simon Sonja and Alex. But tonight is Ramona’s night. Group hug. That was weird, says Sonja. I concur.

Everyone’s ready to mock Ramona again. But the Ramonster looks good, and her blue steel this time is not all that mockable. She does fine. Compared to the other real models, though, she’s almost like a mascot, says Sonja. Meow!

We’re at the Cindy’s intimate areas spa now. Cindy in Missoni. Luann in Native American turquoise statement jewelry. Talking about hair down there. But Luann doesn’t share those kind of details, darling. Seriously, Kelly doesn’t know what a Brazilian is? Cindy is getting annoyed. It’s fine to talk about hair, Jesus Christ already. “A lady never discusses female landscaping,” LuAnn says, and then takes the freebie laser treatment on camera. Oh lord. Luann is a jackass.

OMG Alex is modeling too. Oooh. So glamorous. Being jammed in the closet with two cranky stylists. At least she’s honest, though, she says she’s doing it to make money. I’d love to hear Kelly say that. Alex doesn’t seem very comfortable during the shoot, and again I’m feeling kind of bad for her. Her hair looks whack and she and the photog are not communicating. He seems annoyed. I think he may be the same guy that produced LuAnn’s record.

On to Ramona. Another event with a table of blonde women, place cards and Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio. Avery’s here, with long hair and boobs! Jill sent Ramona a text from Australia congratulating her on her big day. (I have never seen more people talk about “Their Day/Their Night.” WTF is this?) Ramona likes to be stroked and Jill is learning. Luann is not here tonight because she uses her kid as an excuse not to come to Ramona’s event. Avery brings this up. Housewife in training!

Sonja disses Alex’s hair. She does look insane. But, she just came from a shoot. You know, because she is a fashion model. And Alex is still nice. Says something gracious about Ramona being a good businesswoman. Ramona makes a speech – “It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from college.” Then she gets angry at her father – maybe because she turned out to be such a bad writer of speeches? Perhaps she should reach out to Simon and Alex for help. She stutters incoherently. And then someone spontaneously gives her a show on Bravo on public speaking.

Wow, I guess a lot happened in this episode. And I think we all learned something. I learned that for every nice seeming person on this show, another — within episodes – will evolve into a raving narcissistic bitch. I also learned that once I get going, I can convince myself that this show is good clean fun and that I’m not permanently damaging my retinas and long-term memory.
But to pause for a moment of reflection going in to this Easter weekend, the real question I want to put out there is this: WWJDIHWARH? What would Jesus Do if He were a Real Housewife?

Think about it.


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