Get to Our Game

Mallory Kasdan responds to “the Real Housewives of New York”

RHONY Episode 4 Recap: Operation Toaster Oven Ambush

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

It is just after the Royal Wedding between Kate and Will. I was getting a real sepia toned vibe from the tiny bit of proceedings I watched, but that’s probably because I remember waking up early in the morning in 1981 at age nine and watching Charles and Diana do the very same pomping and frippering. That was a much less celebrity-focused and media bifurcated time, but I guess it was the very first reality show I would see. Such innocence. Today, Kate and Will waved to their subjects from the Buckingham Palace flying buttressed balconies with giant Jumbotron screens staring back at themselves, and over 3 billion people watched, while “Royalty experts” like the Countess were probably hired by some 24 hour cable network to blab about titles and classes and castes and manners. How entirely appropriate for this week’s Housewives of New York, who were boring, awful, and as usual, so covetous of being classy. I’m sure they watched “commoner” Kate with envy in their tiny little hearts. All these ladies want is for everyone to validate how much class they have, and meanwhile, they are like six year olds wrestling over plastic tiara party favors at the princess birthday party.

Peasant

We open with Cindy and Sonja meeting at the Vivienne Tam store for lunch/shopping/Vivienne Tam promotion, but unfortunately for everyone, including all of us viewers, Cindy has cracked her teeth on some nuts after heavy martini drinking. To quote another show on Thursday nights that is actually worth watching, “that’s what she said!” Sonja looked primed to make one of her saucy “nuts in the mouth” jokes, which Cindy might not have gotten.

Cindy seems to have some trouble in the over-sharing department. She has her veneers packed away in her Hermes. It’s good at least, that she knows how to pronounce “Hermes.” “Ramona” not so much (“Ramoner,” she says, betraying her Longuyland roots). Poor Cindy. I feel for her, I do. She’s still trying to act like being friends with these crazy bitches is somehow natural. So back to the teeth for a second. Veneers are one of those things that look really expensive and I guess are. Are they dentures? She did have some Fixadent in her Hermes. Weird. I love it when Sonja says, “I have a girlfriend with half her teeth gone, and she still takes steak no problem.” Takes her steak. I do respect that Cindy is honest about the level of effort she makes in order to look good. That must be what happens when you have to talk and think about pubic hair all the time. But the whole fake teeth thing makes me wonder how old she actually is. Is she 70?

The recap continues with Real Housewives 101, after the jump…


Sonja. She is brutal. Acting out the Real Housewives 101 syllabus, taught in fine Universities the world over. Roman Numeral I.) Any potential wound once festering betwixt Housewives should be brought up on camera and have salt ground directly into it. That salty wound this week is the damaged relationship between Ramona and Kelly. So Sonja’s solution to whatever has happened between these two last season on Scary Island is to use another point from the coursework and impose an event or “thing” you invented with your publicist. Sadly, Sonja’s involves cooking in a toaster oven. Random! It appears she will hold a non-disclosure Toaster Oven Cooking Party™, in which she will not tell Ramona or Kelly respectively that the other is coming. The set is staged. I told you Sonja is totally the new Jill!

Vivinenne Tam the designer comes out and murmurs. The ladies try on some dresses. Cindy looks good in them. Sonja too, she’s certainly pretty, and still has that going for her, even if her personality grows uglier with each passing episode. Sonja’s whining because she’s hungry and wants to go to Cipriani. She came all the way downtown in her car with her driver! Cindy is trying to make the best of all of this. She invites Sonja to a party in the Hamptons next weekend. She’ll be doing the party at a horse farm. There will be riding lessons and Jewish people pretending to like them. It will be in Quogue. But Sonja won’t go to Quogue. Its too much a of drive, see, because she’s in Southampton. Sonja is upset about not going to lunch at Cipriani so she will punish Cindy by not going to Quogue. Cindy exits stage left to go to her dentist while Sonja pouts and whines. Sheesh girl, grab a freaking veggie wrap.

Now we’re in the Hamptons for the remainder of the episode. Luann is at home with Victoria, her 15 year-old daughter. LuAnn is explaining her life and schedule with Jacques to the camera. She’s really glad all the summer people are gone, and she has “her” Hamptons back. She’s with Jacques in the city, doing her music (what is she doing with it exactly, I wonder) during the week, going to parties, going shopping. The kids are being watched by a mother’s helper. It’s all good. Not like they need to be with their mom or anything – they’re teenagers! Makes perfect sense. The cameras spend a leeeetle too much time on Jacques and the dog. Boring. I find myself thinking about the Count. Does he see the kids? How’s that whole thing going?

Now we’re with Kelly in the Hamptons in the fall. It’s got all her favorite things: kids dogs and horses. The sunset is so pink. Yay! I think she’d really get along with my four-year old daughter. Kelly and Sonja go riding in fancy outfits and Kelly establishes her dominance. Sonja does her suggestive sexual thing: “I grew up riding,” beat… beat…., “bareback.” Kelly knows what she’s doing and is bossing Sonja around. Scary music! Foreshadowing. Sonja falls off of the horse. And … commercial. This show is so boring they have to make drama out of nothing. And they show her fall again. She’s fine, though she does seem a little out of breath – like she’s had the wind knocked out of her. She and Kelly sit down and have a chat by the fence and beautiful foliage. They connect. Kells and Ramona haven’t spoken since scary island. Sonja brings up her toaster oven thing.

Jill is still in Australia? This is starting to get weird. Is she in jail? Rehab?

Now we’re at LuAnn’s for a top of the long weekend all ladies cocktail party. Is there a theme? If so it’s not obvious, so I think LuAnn’s theme party is this dog walking thing tomorrow. Again Sonja brings up how she’s not doing Quogue. It’s not “in,” explains LuAnn. It’s low rent. Cindy is kind of having trouble getting a word in about her poor little theme party. What’s going on here? She doesn’t like her birthday, but it’s a birthday, but it’s a horse riding party but kids can come but its in Quogue. Why do people keep saying Quogue? Sonja won’t shut the f— up and let Cindy talk. Quogue Quogue Quogue.
Luann gets a t-shirt from Kelly honoring Native Americans. She really likes Native American jewelry so it’s a really thoughtful gift. She brings Sonja some toaster strudels. Just kidding.

On and on with this party for Cindy. She’s getting a bit hazed. No one’s assistant got the emails. Oooh, Sonja just dissed Cindy by saying her invite went to junk mail. Oh no she didden! Cindy is hating on her.

Here comes Alex in a fur vest. She just spent three hours on the Long Island Expressway either with Simon or Ramona, possibly both. Get this woman a drink! Here is Ramona. Rude rude rude. Cindy hates her — you can see it in her teeth. Now Ramona is about to attack LuAnn’s parenting. LuAnn is defensive – who wouldn’t be, and will surely diss her later in a confessional.

Cindy tells Kelly what Sonja is up to with operation Toaster Oven Ambush, but she only warns her in a scary way – “don’t bring your kids.” Her thought is that Kelly is such a great mother that she wouldn’t want to put her kids in that position. OK. Maybe don’t bring your kids to a toaster oven party …. at all! Take them to the library or something. But come on Cindy. If you’re going to talk behind people’s backs on camera, you might as well go all the way. Sonja is officially betrayed. I guess Cindy is taking the Housewives 101 syllabus pretty seriously as well. Ramona is making crazy drunk eyes and looks like she is going to eat Cindy. A successful ladies cocktail party for sure.

The following morning, Luann has invited the Housewives to an animal rescue dog walk. Dogs walk. I’m all for animal rescue but I find story lines that focus on dogs pretty boring. Ramona’s stylist is clearly sleeping off a crystal meth binge because Mo-mo is wearing a burgundy Juicy sweatsuit while unconvincingly walking a dog and explaining this whole story with the cigars and Cindy’s brother Howie to LuAnn. She’s very upset, and it’s early in the morning so it’s unlikely but not impossible that she’s drunk. Howie, you remember from the syllabus, is now married to this widow of Ramona’s friend Jeff. And she happens to look just like Cindy. Howie was smoking one of this dead man’s cigars at a wedding, and Ramona went ballistic. Luann is talking Ramona down like she’s a teenager. Maybe she is a good mom. LuAnn is not offending me this episode.

Kelly leaks it back to Sonja that she knows about the Toaster Oven Party Secret Time. God this is soo boring. Kelly knows that she can’t be in a combative situation with Ramona. Kelly looks pretty good in leggings. Ha ha, Sonja is wearing heels on the beach. Here comes Kelly making sand angels!
Ah Noel! Skateboards! Cute. He’s a little entrepreneur. The scene in the skateboarding shop in the Hamptons with the shopkeeper with the beard is more than a little forced. But what isn’t?

Here we are in low rent Quiggity Quoguitty. OMG Howie! Cindy is in her Jewish cowgirl plaid. I don’t even ride horses, she says. Here comes Aggro-Ramona. Do you have Pinot Grigio for me, she demands to Cindy. Oy. She is obnoxious.

I am dying to see LuAnn’s accessories closet.

Ramona ate before she came. Luann clearly thinks Ramona is an alcoholic. I love how Kelly lets her daughter drive the four wheeler with no helmet but was so worried about Sonja’s safety on a horse. Great mom!

Kelly doesn’t want confrontation so she blows off Ramona. Kelly didn’t invite Ramona to some other theme party she is having, and Cindy brings it up in front of both of them. Did she mean to? Cindy is learning!! Go girl.

Oooh Ramona is mad from the Kelly non-invite party situation and on a Turtle Time tear. First she rides a horse and demands it go faster. Then she tries to confront Howie on camera again to talk to him about the cigar incident. Cindy’s poor old Jewish man father looks totally bewildered, while Howie’s Cindy lookalike plaid shirted girlfriend Carol just shakes her head. Ramona continues to berate Howie, while Cindy gets between them. Is someone gonna tackle Ramona or what? Now Ramona is crying. Who was this Jeff Furman? She seems legitimately upset but it just doesn’t seem like working it out through a reality show is really the best call. Maybe call Howie off camera at the Vajazzling Center or take him for lunch at Cipriani.

Is a cigar just a cigar I wonder?

The last line of the show, somehow fittingly, is Cindy’s. “I have a problem with dip,” she says, futzing over a veggie plate while uncomfortably trying to disguise the fail that is her riding theme/birthday/non birthday/Quogue flog. Oh Cindy, put it on your blog.

xo

A Very Special Easter RHONY Recap: Sheer Elegance is Back, and This Time, It’s Lengthy.

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

While we were apart, I came to the realization that I must simply grit my teeth and grind this puppy out, because RHONY is officially going from bad to worse. Last week I tried to watch and was physically unable to do so until a week later, mostly because I was away from my television, but also because I really needed some space after Episode One. So yeah. S’gonna be a long season.

When I close my eyes and think about that terrible scene last week at the Gay Equality March with Simon in a rainbow bolero and the other (divorced) ladies in wedding dresses, and the aftermath of Sonja spewing at Alex to GET OUT OF HER INTIMATE ART PARTY with all of these discreet people there to buy beautiful wonderful Art, I cringe and die a bit inside. Hands down, the best line during the fight between Alex and Sonja, as Alex kept trying and failing to yelp with dignity about “checking the website,” was when Sonja said (and I don’t think I’m paraphrasing here) “we all love our gays. But this was my day.” Simon — is that his name? – Simon somehow managed to actually get into Sonja’s ear and buzz around or something. It was really upsetting to her.


Born This Way

So yes, Sonja is the new Jill. But in her defense, it really is a lot of responsibility to be the Grand Marshall of a Gay Parade, you know? It can really get to a person! The gays need their role models! Why doesn’t Alex understand this?

Other things happened. Alex talked to Simon on a cell phone in full bondage wear after getting kicked to the curb by Sonja, which gave us another chance to see the lovely parking garage that Sonja’s fabulous townhouse abuts. We see the painting that Sonja’s mortified artist boyfriend painted of her. I think I saw a similar portrait in a frame store in Surfside, Florida, alongside a painting of all the Republican Presidents since Lincoln sitting around playing poker. We hear the other ladies murmuring about how the painting isn’t very good, doesn’t do her justice. Sonja gets drunk and acts again like a 13-year-old girl at her Bat Mitzvah when she knows the videographer has all cameras on her during the candle lighting ceremony. And then everyone goes home and their faces melt off.

That was episode two. So on to episode three.

Epic recap, after the jump…

We open on Countess LuAnn and Kelly getting gorgeous in a salon. Immigrant people are buffing their hands and feet and they are Connecting. Kelly admits to having a bumpy road to love. She is showing vulnerability. Countess and Kells seem to kind of be having an actual sincere conversation, which is truncated because who wants to see any of these people behaving like normal and boring people. Great, Kells wants to meet a man and have another baby. Sounds like a really good idea. Luann brings up a social club for singles involving wine. Sounds even better.

Alex and Sonja are having lunch somewhere lovely with fresh flowers. Alex informs us that she wants to clear the air with Sonja after the whole getting kicked out of her house thing before the situation escalates. That’s mature of her. Sonja walks in and in a power move, keeps on her coat because she’s wearing her yoga clothes, while Alex is in full hair and makeup. “I’m like light and fun,” Sonja reminds us, yet again. Poor Alex has that stress rash on her neck that she gets. Sonja is totally offending Alex by repeatedly dissing Simon. So uncool. How is Alex not storming out of this lunch? Poor Alex really is trying to be diplomatic and adult, and Sonja thinks she’s a huge loser. This is very Season One with the all of the Simon bashing. Everyone else has come to terms with him at this point. Didn’t Sonja get the memo? She is pissing up the wrong bidet for sure. The tense conversation ends with the two women agreeing not to discuss this whole situation further. Riiiight.


Needs To Be Discussed Further

Kelly and Cindy are so “downtown,” so they meet in a restaurant there. Cindy is shaking. She’s really upset because she had to fire one of her nannies. The nanny is not nice to her. She has attitude. She was supposed to sleep over every night and didn’t want to. Kelly looks like she just remembered that she has kids of her own. Yikes, is someone watching them? Cindy is tough in business but not when it comes to her babies. She has her brother fire the nanny.

Kelly has to send an email to Ramona but it’s hard. How annoying to sit with someone while they read you a text or email they are crafting – imagine if you had to do it with Kelly? Words are difficult to put next to each other in order, but with Cindy’s assistance, Kelly manages. Kelly bites into a salad with her giant white teeth. She’s totally pigging out.

We learn that Ramona is modeling again. Last season we were treated to a fashion show when the she zoolandered her way down the runway, not blinking or breathing. Turns out she’s scared of photographers. Not reality show cameras in every room and at every public event she attends. It’s those still cameras with the flashes. They really spook her! “Just imagine they aren’t there,” says the designer, a very helpful hint by the way. Sonja is there with the designer (the gays!) to move along the Kelly/Ramona manufactured non-thing with the emailing. Sonja gives Ramona some generic advice about letting it go, I think, even though we just suffered through her non-thing with Alex where she was clearly not letting anything go.

Soooooo. Where are we? Frere Jacque and Count-essa. Hi guys. Tonight Lu is helping brand her boyfriend Jacque as a wine distributor person by organizing an event with wine tasting and single people. Like speed dating, but with wines from Bordeaux. Maybe her haggy housewife friends will meet some Europeans, LuAnn postulates. She suggests swallowing the wines rather than just keeping them in the mouth, and laughs knowingly. Keeping it Klassy Kountess.

Montages with Kelly, Sonja and Cindy meeting guys ensue. Kelly to young acting student at Julliard – what instrument do you play? Um, I’m an actor. Kelly brings up the film “Due Date” and a scene that struck her. Young actor guy decides to improvise on camera. It is a bold choice. He is a bad actor. This is not going well. More convos about being old (Cindy), why do you swirl wine around in the glass (Kelly), and astrology and boobies (Sonja). Classic reality show stuff.

Cut to …. Alex and family are going to Governors Island on a boat. Simon has planned a party for her with picnic tables and Brooklyn hipsters they hired for the day. He may be wearing an ascot.

Cindy is there with her babies and her team of nannies. Kelly and daughters are coming too. They don’t like it here. Because Kelly and Cindy live “downtown,” they don’t really like to go anywhere in the rest of New York City. It’s just too cold and they don’t like little hotdogs. They arrive late, complain, and leave early. Alex and Simon are back to being pretentious and making lots of toasts all the time, while everyone else on the show is hating on them more than ever. That seems to be their defense mechanism – the more people criticize them, the more speeches they insist on making. Alex insists on having a good time, though, putting on a brave face and steeling on through.

Back to Ramona and modeling. Ooh, I hope Alex comes so there can be some model back and forth between the two professional models. Yay, here she is.

How awkward. Simon Sonja and Alex. But tonight is Ramona’s night. Group hug. That was weird, says Sonja. I concur.

Everyone’s ready to mock Ramona again. But the Ramonster looks good, and her blue steel this time is not all that mockable. She does fine. Compared to the other real models, though, she’s almost like a mascot, says Sonja. Meow!

We’re at the Cindy’s intimate areas spa now. Cindy in Missoni. Luann in Native American turquoise statement jewelry. Talking about hair down there. But Luann doesn’t share those kind of details, darling. Seriously, Kelly doesn’t know what a Brazilian is? Cindy is getting annoyed. It’s fine to talk about hair, Jesus Christ already. “A lady never discusses female landscaping,” LuAnn says, and then takes the freebie laser treatment on camera. Oh lord. Luann is a jackass.

OMG Alex is modeling too. Oooh. So glamorous. Being jammed in the closet with two cranky stylists. At least she’s honest, though, she says she’s doing it to make money. I’d love to hear Kelly say that. Alex doesn’t seem very comfortable during the shoot, and again I’m feeling kind of bad for her. Her hair looks whack and she and the photog are not communicating. He seems annoyed. I think he may be the same guy that produced LuAnn’s record.

On to Ramona. Another event with a table of blonde women, place cards and Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio. Avery’s here, with long hair and boobs! Jill sent Ramona a text from Australia congratulating her on her big day. (I have never seen more people talk about “Their Day/Their Night.” WTF is this?) Ramona likes to be stroked and Jill is learning. Luann is not here tonight because she uses her kid as an excuse not to come to Ramona’s event. Avery brings this up. Housewife in training!

Sonja disses Alex’s hair. She does look insane. But, she just came from a shoot. You know, because she is a fashion model. And Alex is still nice. Says something gracious about Ramona being a good businesswoman. Ramona makes a speech – “It seems like just yesterday that I was graduating from college.” Then she gets angry at her father – maybe because she turned out to be such a bad writer of speeches? Perhaps she should reach out to Simon and Alex for help. She stutters incoherently. And then someone spontaneously gives her a show on Bravo on public speaking.

Speaks Volumes

Wow, I guess a lot happened in this episode. And I think we all learned something. I learned that for every nice seeming person on this show, another — within episodes – will evolve into a raving narcissistic bitch. I also learned that once I get going, I can convince myself that this show is good clean fun and that I’m not permanently damaging my retinas and long-term memory.
But to pause for a moment of reflection going in to this Easter weekend, the real question I want to put out there is this: WWJDIHWARH? What would Jesus Do if He were a Real Housewife?

Think about it.

xo

RHNY Non-Recap: This Says a Lot About the Show

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Slacker Blogger

So admittedly, I have not yet watched the full episode. I tried. I really did, to watch it in real time on Thursday night. (Ed. Note: It is now Monday). And it was so brutal that I turned off the television set and went to sleep instead, promising myself I’d get to it the next day, and then the next, and then the next. And still, by Monday afternoon I still have only seen the first 20 minutes of the show. So I apologize to the two of you still reading this, and I promise next week to get my housewife mojo back. But in the meantime, I will ask you this: how funny is it that they always shoot the exterior of Sonja’s townhouse to show that its connected to a public parking garage? Kinda mean but kinda funny. Also, the new assertive Alex is cool but a leeeetle strident, and quite possibly drinking to excess. And Sonja has jumped the shark.


Jumped Shark in a Mere 20 Minutes

More soon. In the meantime, please enjoy this Gawker recap. It will keep you in the know until I can get my stuff together.

Forgive me.

Some RHNY recap Sheer Elegance really likes, after the jump…

Real Housewives of New York: Run Amok Brides

Brian Moylan — Oh, the various assaults, crimes, and misdemeanors perpetrated by this cast of jokers running roughshod over Gotham City. The Real Housewives of New York were more worked up more than a bunch of whores during a penicillin shortage, and it was all in the name of matrimony.


Click here to find out more!

Hello, everyone, I am Dame Brian Moylan, Executive Director of the Real Housewives Institute, I am here to discuss the mating rituals of our favorite subspecies of reality star, the Real Housewives. I know you were expecting Sir Richard the Lawson-hearted, but he was detained due to a prior engagement (slaying the singing dragons of American Idol) so he may ask me to help out with his study of the Housewives now and again this season.
Now, we have some very important events to discuss, namely a wedding. Well, it wasn’t a wedding really, but the Real Housewives sure were treating it like one. There is nothing a Real Housewife loves more than a wedding. Nothing! They will say yes to that dress, they will be shedding for the wedding, but they don’t know whose wedding is it anyway. Whether it’s their first wedding, a friend’s wedding, or that favorite creation of the Real Housewives, the vow renewal ceremony (which is as much of a wedding as a Tofu Chik Patty is a piece of fried chicken), the Housewives love a wedding. It’s because it combines their two favorite things: the validation of basking in someone else’s adoration and being the center of attention. Naturally they were all very jazzed for this Marriage Equality March where a bunch of homosexuals trotted across the Brooklyn bridge to convince all the mean men in the legislature to let them get married just like everyone else.

We heard about this magical march across the rainbow bridge last week when Alex McCord, the shining Athena of the Gay Civil Rights Movement, was telling everyone to wear their wedding dresses to the event and castigating Jill Zarin for being on the host committee of the march but then planning on ditching it to whoop it up with the breeders in the Hamptons instead.

On the morning of the March, Sonja Tremont Morgan, a beautiful sylph who was once the muse and model for John Singer Sargent back in her salad days of the 1860s, was seated in her Manhattan townhouse surrounded by white dresses. This is how she—one day when the invincibility potion she bought from Lisle von Roman wears off—hopes to die. Kelly Killoren Bensimon and Countess Crackerjacks arrive wearing street clothes and Alex McCord, the second coming of Harvey Milk, arrives in her wedding dress. They’re all going to wear wedding dresses to the march because, well, a Housewife loves a motherfucking wedding. But what to do? Kelly doesn’t have her wedding dress because it’s in a museum. In fact, it is hanging right here in the Real Housewives Institute, next to the chuppah from Jill Zarin’s first marriage and the death shroud of Jo De La Rosa’s recording career.

Countess Crackerjacks didn’t have a wedding dress either. She took a big drag off her Pall Mall and said, “Listen, girls, I don’t know what to tell you. Back in ’73, when I finally decided to ditch the game and get hitched I didn’t have a big fancy shindig like the rest of y’all. No, I eloped. I was wearing a pair of jeans, a ratty Harley Davidson T-shirt Count Crackerjacks stole from some trucker at a rest stop somewhere on the 101 outside of Scottdale, and the most darling giant turquoise necklace you ever did see. So I don’t have a dress, sorry. But I still have that T-shirt. Sometimes, when I’m sad at night and I’ve given Bronson Pinchot the night off from attending to my love needs, I take it out and make it into a little pillow. You can still smell the sweat and fumes on the thing, even now. Even now.”

That’s not even one of Sir Richard’s Countess Crackerjacks stories (I wouldn’t dare attempt such blasphemy as to write one myself), that is pretty much a direct quote from the show, with embellishments. Naturally, Sonja had like 174 wedding dresses just lying around from all her times modeling in them for Jack—which is what all of Sargent’s friends called him—so she just let everyone borrow them. God, Sonja really did think she was getting married, she kept going on and on and on about how it was “her day” just like a bride. There is nothing more obnoxious than this modern sentiment that the bride gets to ignore all social niceties and order everyone around on her wedding day. “It’s my day I get whatever I want. It’s my day you better wear this ugly dress cause I said so. It’s my day so if you don’t put those hot pokers in your eyes I’m going to sit here and pout and cry and you’ll ruin my day!”

Alex, channeling Larry Kramer’s ghost, reminded everyone that the day was about Marriage Equality. Then Sonja informed her that she was named the Grand Marshall of the parade and she would be speaking to kick off the march. That basically meant she was marrying the parade, so it was her day. It was all about Sonja.

All the ladies rolled up to the march and who is there but recalcitrant board member Jill Zarin. Standing next to her was a big burly man in one of those reflective vests that people working on the street at night wear. Across his chest in white letters it said “Damage Control.” He was clearly there with Jill. As Alex McCord was walking through the crowd, she also stumbled up someone else familiar. “Simon?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

There he was, her dutiful husband Simon, standing there with his arms around two of the gayest homosexuals New York has ever produced and wearing a rainbow sequined bolero jacket of some sort that he bought for $200 one night while cavorting on magic mushrooms at the Ice Palace on Fire Island. “Oh, Alex, I didn’t expect to see you here. I just came here for support. Yes, that’s it,” he said taking his hands off the shoulders of his companions. “I want to show all the gay people that I’m one of—I mean that I give them my full support. These are my friends Dustin and Jayden.”
“Girl, what is wrong with your hair?” Dustin said.
“And why are you wearing a wedding dress?” Jayden asked.
“Ain’t no one wants to marry her tired ass!”
“Okrrrr. We need all the gay marriage help we can get, but sister, that ensemble isn’t helping anyone.”
(SNAPS!)

Alex stomped off to the podium where Sonja was waiting to make her speech and Simon came with her, turning back quickly to give Dustin and Jayden a “sorry, I have to go make nice with my wife” shrug of his shoulders. When they got the podium, Simon was really moved to make a speech, but they said he couldn’t. Why? Because Sonja Morgan was marrying the parade, and she wanted to be the only one to speak so unless Simon got permission from the bride, he wouldn’t be able to speak now and he would forever have to hold his peace.

In Alex and Simon’s defense, I have seen them at countless fundraisers and events for homosexual and HIV-related causes over the years. The only time I’ve ever seen Sonja was at this march when the cameras were on, but still, she wanted to make her big wedding speech in front of everyone and wouldn’t let Simon. They got into a big fight right up there on the podium in front of everyone. Sonja kept saying, “It’s my day, it’s about me, don’t talk to me, I have to speak, now is not the time.” Well, when is the time? If they don’t get her permission to speak now, then the march will be over and they aren’t going to have another special march just so Simon can give his little speech. And what does she care if someone else speaks? Like Alex rightfully said, the day wasn’t about any of them, it was about a cause.

Anyway, it was time for Sonja to speak and she got up to the podium and started discussing love or something like that. As soon as she opened her mouth, moisture started falling form the sky, and umbrella after umbrella opened in the crowd in succession, like a row of Busby Berkley chorus girls spinning and unfurling parasols. But the moisture wasn’t rain, it was tears. It was crying tears of all the dead homosexuals who were never allowed to get married, crying at Sonja Morgan. Selfish bride Sonja Morgan, taunting them wither her wedding dress.

So they all march across the bridge and Gay Marriage was solved! Congrats! They celebrated with a reception for Mr. & Mrs. Gay Equality March at Alex and Simon’s house. Alex gets everyone’s attention and finally lets Simon give the speech he wanted to give all day. “Well,” Simon stammers, “I just wanted to say that when I moved to America I really wanted to marry someone named Alex and I met this really nice man named Alex but since you can’t marry a man and get a green card, I had to marry a woman named Alex. My life has been very different ever since.” Then he started to cry.

After the Marriage Equality March, Ramona bought a table at a party for Mr. Gucci, the king of the handbags. There some back burner plots simmered, simmered, simmered. There’s going to be some big blowout between Ramona and Kelly, and there’s also something strange going on with Ramona and new girl Cindy about some dead man’s cigars. Isn’t that the next Johnny Depp as a pirate movie? Pirates of the Caribbean 17: Dead Man’s Cigars. Actually, Cindy kind of looks like a dead man’s cigar. Did her brother smoke her? Anyway, simmering, simmering.

But last night the main course was the fight between Alex and Sonja. Sonja had an art party for her hunky boyfriend Brian. An art party! What kind of awful human being throws such a thing? Anyway, apparently Artist Brian doesn’t have a gallery. He has some paintings in a coffee shop in Brooklyn and in his girlfriend’s house. Screw Larry Gagosian, he has got it made! Sonja invited Alex to the art party, and a fight broke out.

Now, everyone, if you will please watch the video that accompanies this exhibit, we are going to discuss this argument in depth. Alright, you will clearly see that Sonja approaches Alex and as soon as they finish air kissing, she brings up their tiff at the march. Sonja’s all “It was nothing. Water off a duck’s back.” Well, then why are you bringing it up, Sonja? Then she goes with the insulting, “Simon, is that your husband’s name? Simon?” Ugh, that was just awful. And then she says, “What I didn’t appreciate was him all up in my grill. It was horrible.”

Alex comes back with, “What was horrible was how you made the day about you and not gay people.” Point number one for Alex McCord. Then, she tries to calmly and rationally explain her position to Sonja who then says, “Let me cut you off, because you’re annoying me.” Then, when Alex tries to defend herself, Sonja gives her the, “Let me finish!” and gets all huffy. OK, Sonja, you cut people off but then get pissy when they cut you off? Then, miraculously, she just decides, “This is not the time.” Well, Sonja, if it wasn’t the time, why did you bring it up and start the fight in the first place! Alex was trying to have a calm discussion and your rudeness turned it into a screaming match. Then, when Alex pipes up so that she can be heard, Sonja just keeps talking and talking and talking over her, calling Alex rude and accusing her of not shutting up. It appears that Sonja, herself, was the one breaking all of her own rules. What does that say about her? She hates Alex because she hates herself? She’s a pompous jerk? Who knows, but it wasn’t quite right.

I’m a big Alex McCord fan, but I’m not sure how I like this new aggressive Alex McCord. She’s able to get loud, but her argument wasn’t the best. “Check the website, check the website, check the website,” she kept saying. Oh, Alex, we all know that the internet is only made for two things: porn and lies. “Checking a website” is not the best defense. But she didn’t let Sonja run over her and didn’t do the old Alex thing and just apologize when she knew she did nothing wrong. No, she left that party with her head held high knowing that she had won—something. A shred of dignity, the fight for gay rights, another season wearing studded dresses to basement art parties at rich people’s houses. Something, she won something.

But Sonja had everything to lose. She used to be our favorite, this Sonja. She didn’t let anything get to her. She just wanted a glass of chardonnay, a good laugh, and perhaps a hot guy to slam her into next Tuesday every now and again. She was the fun one who didn’t get involved in the drama. That Sonja used to be so above it all just by laughing it all off. But now she’s one of them, the screeching grub women of New York, down there mud wrestling in the mire with all the other invertebrates, getting herself all dirty and exposing her jelly insides for the world. Yes, Sonja, you lost.

Then it was time for the big reveal at the art party. Ageless old Sonja had posed for yet another portrait, this one by her boyfriend Brian. She recalled all those regal oil paintings of her that hung in the Met and the Tate and all those other museums with shortened names. She was sure this was going to be just like that, a muse for another age. When Brian peeled the the drapery away from the painting, Sonja’s eyes had that glint from long ago, but it went out quickly and with a small hiss, like wet fingers closing around a candle wick. Everyone’s face dropped when they saw the misshaped woman’s figure in a Crayola world. She looked like she was inhabiting a scene from What Dreams May Come, that awful movie where Robin Williams goes to heaven. Just like that movie, no one wanted to see this either. There she was, at the center of a schizophrenic rainbow sitting in a big puddle of white. It’s like she wet herself and washed away all the color, all the goodness, and all that remained was a bleached wasteland. That’s when it started again, the dampness, the tears, coming down not from heaven but Sonja’s eyes. And now there wasn’t an umbrella in sight to save her.

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: Thank Goodness For the Vag Spa Lady

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Well that was torturous. Probably the most boring hour of drudgery I’ve forced myself to watch in a while. The wives seemed out of practice and concurrently more of their awful selves than ever. And my cable box actually went out for the first five minutes, as if to say, no no, no, don’t do it. Read those back issues of the Atlantic that have been piling up since 2004. Read the back of the cereal box. Read something. Anything.

But of course I watched.

And what did I learn?

Ramona whored herself out yet again, lending her name to a white wine she can quaff, and heightened her belligerence toward friends and strangers. Because she is a businesswoman, we get to see her interviewing some poor schmuckettes to be her assistant and abuse them beyond humor. I thought kids today were supposed to be media savvy. You’d think they could use Google and envision the montage Bravo would prepare of them before they agreed to be on camera. But no. Ramona had to be all Donald Trump and then say it’s a tough world out there and she’s doing these girls a favor by telling them they have bad skin and outfits. Ramona seriously sucks. She is dumb and mean.

We also saw Ramona being crabby in the morning in the Hamptons with Smoove Mario and houseguests Alex and Simon and being incapable of using a bagel knife. Which is a good thing, I think. Pinot grigio + aggro behavior + knife skills is never a good calculation, so let’s keep that cutlery away from Ramona.

Cindy, the new one. She seems ok, or comfortable on camera anyway. It’s definitely in the NYC demographic that she was able have her babies on her own and at an “older age,” though she doesn’t look any older than Bethenney, or Alex, or Kelly. All these housewives are sort of ageless. You could tell me any one of them is 35 or 55 and I would believe you. Cindy handled Jill’s yapping like she knows her way around a yenta– but come on, we all wanted to know the deal.

Besides the vaj spas, Cindy is a philanthopist, raising money for lots of causes, including cancer research. Good. Good. She’s friends with an artist with a bad perm who has a foot fetish. Good. Her brother’s name is Howie, and I’m sure we’ll see more of him. And she’s raising two baby girls on her own, with just a few paid people to help her. But she seems to be a self-made woman, so rock the hell on. I’m sure her children will be given the very best, and taught the wonderful lessons of laser vs. tweezing vs. waxing as soon as they have hair on their bodies.

Gym Tan Laser

Rock the hell on with Sheer Elegance’s recap, after the jump…


Kelly was rather mellow, but had several snarky comments I enjoyed, such as “I don’t know if Simon and Alex are in the market to buy art, but they’ll come to the opening of an envelope.” Zing! Mostly she just played with her hair and repeated bumper sticker sayings she learned on the ashram – things like “It’s all good” and “with the help of my beautiful daughters,” and looked uncomprehending while Jill talked at her about closure and feelings and Bethenney and shapewear.

Speaking of Jill. Hilarious. The editors and Bravo love torturing her. She is such a hateful hag. “Bawby I gotta get Spanx with lace,” she yammered, getting out of the car at the Hamptons wedding. “I’m on the HONORARY committee,” she intoned in some kind of conversation about a march for same sex rights. Seriously, what the f— are you talking about? I loved it when in one scene she talks about how much she’s changed, how her values are intact and that she’s moved on since last season, and the very next she’s gossiping with two women at this wedding and saying, “That bitch Alex McCord is wearing ivory at a wedding – how dare she?” Great stuff.

Alex and Simon were very present in this episode. We learned that Alex has signed with a modeling agency and that Simon is her IT bitch. I relate to this, because my husband is my IT bitch. Hopefully that is where the similarities end. Alex was pretty strident, gulping wine and hanging out with the Ramonacoaster, which is a better idea that hanging out with Jill and LuAnn I suppose, but still, I say go smoke a bowl with Sonja and Cindy instead. Alex is definitely trying to assert herself all over the place this season, and it’s a bit much. She’s got something major to do with this March for Equality, which managed to get everyone hot and bothered about how important their names are to this particular cause, and gave us the treat of hearing Ramona slurrily discuss politics and same sex rights to marry. Leave it to these women to make an issue that has nothing to do with them …. about them. ACK.

By the way, who on earth would allow reality show cameras at their wedding? So intimate. So respectful of the institution of marriage. I’m glad all of these jackasses can get married and same sex couples can’t. Is this what Bravo is subtly trying to comment on here?

We saw Sonja and LuAnn on a weird double date with their lovahs. I had never seen LuAnn’s guy speak more than a “Oui, oui,” and he is straight out of central casting. LuAnn was not memorable in this episode and is probably boning up on her judgy McJudginess somewhere, or else in the recording studio getting ready to “drop” her next single. Can’t wait. And Sonja is very loose and languid and filled with sex and vulnerability. Her current flavor of the month is an artist who she introduces to “hedge fund guys who will buy his paintings.” Hmm. I’m sure he is filled with self-regard after watching himself in this episode. Honestly though, its refreshing to see women have the power to put men in these situations occasionally. If I wasn’t so tired right now, perhaps I could find a feminist perspective for the Housewives. But I need to go for a walk now.

Today in Real Housewife Profiles: Cindy Barshop

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

According the Bravo website, Cindy Barshop has “revolutionized hair removal with nationwide cult favorite Completely Bare spas and beauty products.” This must be that revolution everyone keeps talking about in the Middle East!

Besides the fact that Cindy is a single (divorced?) mom with twin girls, and at some point decided hair and its unsightliness on the body was her ticket to the big time, little is known about the freshest housewife. She looks ready to rock, with her Chrissie Hynde bangs and her downtown apartment. Her smile is mischievous: is she in on this joke? Did she go to camp with Jill Zarin? And is she friends with that lady from the Matchmaker show?

Will Soon Become the Joke

So what can we expect, besides bad puns from the New York Post, about this lady the bar shopper? Since she’s single and in the um, intimate areas grooming industry, I predict many dates with bachelor type men and lots of talk about vajeweled vajayjays and other things I’m not sure I want to see on screen. I can predict plenty of embarrassing scenes with her and her babies — this season we’re likely to see her kids getting spa treatments, eating gluten free kale smoothies, and working out with personal baby trainers to make sure their glutes are high and tight when they crawl. I’m sure they will actively prepped on camera for their pre-school interviews, their block skills honed and their glue stick application perfected. Sheepish “baby experts” will be shown working with these little schmoopies, and the rest of the country will be correct in wondering what the hell is wrong with people who raise kids in this fakahkta city. I greatly look forward to this.

But for now my work here is done. Now that you know these housewives, you are free to converse drunkenly with them on television or in your dreams, watch Andy Cohen’s after party directly following the show, and come up with your own damn theories why this show is so addictive. I will definitely be seeing you around. As for me, I’ve got to get out of this bathrobe and curlers, make a martini, and prepare my 10 month old for his Krav Maga Israeli martial arts class. Kiss Kiss.

Today in Real Housewife Profiles: Sonja Morgan

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

I feel like Sonja and I are just getting to know each other, but so far, I likey. She’s someone you’d be psyched to sit next to at a dinner party, and by the end of the night she would be tweezing your eyebrows. She’s confident on camera and she’s not immediately trying to make herself into some ridiculous brand through the show. I’m talking to you Countess, Jewish Mother, Skinny Girl, Ex-Model/Owl Jewelry Design Lady, and Ramona. But she has only been on for half a season, so we’ll see what happens. Eventually the insanity even gets the ones with the best intentions.

Last season Sonja was mostly a nice distraction from the trainwrecks that were Jill and Kelly, and she had to shout above the din to be heard because of all the outdoor voices. But when she did get a word in edgewise, she had a lot of sass, talked about sex and drinking quite a lot, and wore leopard print more often than not. Fun!

She also kept her ten year old daughter off the show, which reads like a classy move but is more likely a legal thing with her ex-husband, who is a son of the son of the son of either the J or the P or both in J.P. Morgan. So yeah, sister’s got some cash, so she maybe doesn’t have to hustle like some of the other girls. But she’s just …. light. And funny. A cool girl without having to try too hard. Though, who knows, maybe even she needs money and soon she’ll be hawking something gross like a line of teeth bleaching trays or girdles for your ankles.

Tomorrow: Cindy Barshop, the newest housewife, who has something to do with Vajazzling. And then, Thursday night it’s SHOWTIME!

Today in Real Housewife Profiles: Kelly Killoren Bensimon

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

I ask myself questions when I watch Kelly flit and flounce through New York City. Questions like: how does she make it through the day? How many hours does she lie in the sun versus have self-tanner applied by small Vietnamese hands? Also, what combination of drugs is she on right now?

Prior to becoming a Real Housewife, Kelly wore many hats. She was a model. An equestrian. A mom. And most important, the wife of a French fashion photographer named Gilles. Can’t you just see him, with his stubble and his Gallousies, the loft, and the music, and the photoshoot that led to the sex that led to the marriage that led to the divorce?

Maybe Kelly was normal before the show. Vapid yes, but able to be successful on her own because she was a model, and models are rich and get to have houses in the Hamptons and be horsewomen when they aren’t modeling. However, and to misquote Bob Dylan, she was so much younger then, and she’s older than that now.

Now Even Older Than This

Cut to: 2009. She’s divorced with two girls, Teddy and Schmeddy (not her real name but it might as well be), who like all other daughters of Real Housewives are so much cooler than their respective moms. These two in particular seem to be really holding things together at home. One sad scene last season showed the two girls, ages 11 and 8 maybe, making pancakes with their mom in the Hamptons, and it was like Kelly had never turned on a burner or cracked an egg in a bowl. It wasn’t cute or funny, things Kelly repeatedly tries to be to disastrous effect.

Kelly joined the show in the second season and had some fantastic scenes where she would go to a party in the Hamptons in a tiny dress and cowboy boots and talk about “covering” the party for a magazine. The way she spoke with people – and I say “speak” with a lot of respect for sentences and phrases and the way words form to make them — it was like your worst nightmare of what a party in the Hamptons would be. Just the fakest, most pathetic, stilted conversations, and of course the cameras don’t help.

What is so apparent watching these shows is this way people talk to each other and interact as if they are modeling themselves after an archetype of all the reality show people who have come before. So everyone kisses on both cheeks because that’s what you do. You say, “congratulations on your charity event, it is really fabulous.” And then you say something mean about them and later get in a fight, in order to ensure more camera time.

What is interesting about Kelly is she often gets confused with how the whole thing works. With regularity, she’ll say or do something and pretend it did not happen. And will argue emphatically that she did not say or do it, though it was recorded by cameras and played over and over. She also invents wonderfully inane phrases to sprinkle into her arguments. Which is great when Kelly is dealing with someone like Bethenney, whose sparring with Kelly was akin to Dada performance art. Bethenney, so much smarter, sharper and calmer, such a better arguer, it was almost sad to watch. But it led to phraseology like ”Satchels of Gold,” which Kelly muttered under her breath like a mantra during one argument, or the time she said to Bethenney, “I’m up here (motioning with her hand above her head) and you’re down here. We’re not the same.” I’ll miss Bethenney most for these interactions –Real Housewives at its most surreal and delish.

But then this past season things started to take a darker turn, when Kelly had some kind of psychotic breakdown. The women went down to the Caribbean with Ramona as part of her “Bachelorette Weekend” for the renewing of vows situation I mentioned earlier. (As if it’s not enough to put people through your wedding weekend the first time around, Ramona did it again in her 50’s – complete with a freaking bachelorette party. Though the digs were pretty schnazz – yacht for half the week and mansion for the other). Anyway, the ladies all on this boat and things were tense. Bethenney was pregnant and her jaw was large. Ramona was nattering about renewal. Alex was being kind of normal and the other ladies were talking about pedicures or whatever. Jill and LuAnn had decided not to come because they are both tools, and Jill was fighting with Bethenney, but was supposedly BFF with Kells. Rumor had it (on the internets) that Kelly was doing meth or snorting cocaine, and she was definitely spiraling. Kelly started speaking in tongues and freaking out on everyone and it got pretty weird. She left the Caribbean without being filmed doing it, and everyone on the show seemed like they realized a line had been crossed and got a bit After School Special-ish. And for like two seconds people were talking about the responsibility of the producers and the toll reality television takes on participants and how serious it all is.

Until everyone crawled back for more, including Miss Kelly. Hard to know what to make of that.

Today in Real Housewife Profiles: Alex McCord

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

When the show started, Alex McCord was a stiff but striking woman married to a poufy peacock named Simon Van Kampen, an Australian with an improbable name and possible fake accent. Simon “Managed a Boutique Hotel in Midtown,” and Alex “Used to Model.” And like many Brooklyn parents I know, they had young children with ridonkulous names (“Johann” and “Francois.”)

Alex and Simon were pretty clear about trying to climb various impenetrable social ladders in New York and probably read the society pages very earnestly, thought about how to go about getting in them, and miscalculated. Spectacularly. They thought, “OK. So we’ll go to St. Barth’s in August when no one is there and Simon will wear a thong on camera we’ll appear on this reality show and THAT will be our ticket to hanging with mysterious beautiful people who are always photographed looking bored with Mick Jagger in Morocco. Done!”

Too Easy.

In those early cringe-worthy scenes, it seemed Alex and Simon were trying to imitate people on evening soap operas from the 80’s – Dynasty or Falcon Crest. Or, that Alex was 22 years old and Simon was her gay BFF from her entry level publishing job, and they would go to the bar at the Plaza and play pretend beyond their grubby little cubicle worlds. “Alex, be a darling and order me another Campari, just like you did when we were on holiday in Capri.” “Yes Simon, and let’s rub each other with that fine oil from the souls of Eskimos we purchased from that Russian logger in the Ukraine.” Or something.

Simon is pretty over the top. He loves to play with fashion, not only for himself, which he does to disastrous consequence of red patent leather pants and purple cummerbund/tie combos, but also women’s fashion. He LOVES going shopping with Alex, watching her try on clothes, model, twirl around, while making Zoolander faces, and moaning about how fantastic her body looks in Versace.


Blue Steel

But it’s kind of beyond that he thinks she’s hot, is proud she’s his wife, and likes picking things out for her. It’s like he WANTS TO BE HER or something. Weird, but hey, at least they’re it out there with a point of view and seem to be enjoying the ride. And it’s kind of fun how they freak out all the other housewives because they are so bizarre and into each other, like nerds in high school who discover sex and than start feeling each other up in the hallways. The other wives, especially Ramona, Jill, and sometimes Bethenney were mostly nasty and patronizing towards these two early on, and I found it quite telling.

But even at their most creepy, I find Alex and Simon harmless and lovable. Mostly because I recognize them as nothing worse than strivers – which is what most so many New Yorkers are – even the ones who live in the outer boroughs! And now it’s clear to me, looking back at those hazy days of Season One when they had social mishap after embarrassing scene, when their pretentiousness was beyond silly and their children beyond horrible, that maybe they were just totally exhausted and just trying to get the hell away from their kids, who at the time were probably one-and-a-half and three. Ugh. Who wouldn’t go on a reality show if it meant you could be going to the opera in a limo, while your children whined to someone else for the eightieth time about wanting to watch another “Diego?”

So Alex really has grown on me, and at present is one of the only Housewives I can imagine hanging out with. Though she can be brittle and odd, has some difficulty with misplaced anger and needing to get things off her chest, and probably has some weirdo skeletons in those California Closets filled with Simon’s fave designers, it was incredibly gratifying to hear her yelling, unhinged, at Jill in season 3: “Jill, you are a Mean Girl and you are in high school! And while you are in high school I am in Brooklyn!” Yes, yes, and yes.

Today in Real Housewife Profiles: LuAnn de Lesseps

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

As one of the Original Housewives, LuAnn de Lesseps got up in the mix right away in season one by announcing she should be referred to as “Countess.” Seems she’s married to this French guy Alexandre de Lesseps who is a Count (duh) and a descendent of the guy who built the Suez Canal. Fine. Good. Be a Countess. Totally love Countesses. Thing is, it’s not like France put on its best royal cape and said: “you LuAnn, you are officially a Countess because you are the fourth wife of this guy who’s great uncle or something built this big thing.” She kind of took that one on, pretty much countessed herself in a private ceremony with her mirror and a sparkly magic wand/tiara princess set she picked up at Toys R Us.

Yes, she speaks several languages, and yes, she’s been to Gstaad regularly with a bevy of other Counts and Countesses and Vicars and the like, but the bottom line is that she was a nurse from Connecticut, then a model, and then a fourth wife to a Count.


But Who’s Counting?


LuAnn’s shtick on the show has always been to attend a lunch, charity event, or party, during which one person would offend her, and then go on camera during a “confessional,” and discuss his or her etiquette breach. Given the context of GTOG, I would say that she fancies herself a referee in the game of Housewifery. She is passive aggressive, holier than thou, and just …. Annoying. Someone who would interrupt tourists on the street to speak French loudly with them just to prove she is fluent. Someone who would say things like, “Oh Rosie, I don’t know what I’d do without you! Good help is soooo hard to find,” or “The Hamptons is where I can really just kick back and be myself.” Really Lu? Is that right? I totally hear you!!!!

So she wrote a book about manners, lectured everyone around her about how to behave, and then the inevitable and delicious happened: her husband the Count cheated on her rather publicly with an Ethiopian Princess (I am NOT making this up). So she had to go through the shame of being cuckolded and then endure a public divorce (she has 2 vanilla-y, preppy, nice enough seeming kids, Victoria and Noel), all while dealing with all these cameras – surely something that was not covered in her book on etiquette. And it was hinted that she had done her own cheatin’ too – but maybe lessons on how to cope with that situation will turn up volume 2 of “Class with the Countess.”

I felt kind of bad for her when this went down, even though she continued to act all finger snappy pride-y and got into it with someone every time she left her homes, in which good help is so hard to find, especially when your housekeeper/nanny goes to the Philippines for the summer and comes back all glam and skinny in white jeans and you’ve had to figure out how to dial the phone for pizza delivery and how to Swiffer.

Then LuAnn inevitably had to “find herself” and start dating, and that led to a world of awkwardness. She made out with a couple creeps and is now dating another Frenchman who looks like David Schwimmer if he ate Adrian Brody. (*I cannot be sure that I made that up – it is possible I read it somewhere on the Internet.) But the best thing that came out of LuAnn’s Gloria Gaynor moment is definitely her decision to work with this wonderful, mohawked, sunglasses at night, cracked out “music industry producer,” who helped her to record her anthemic “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” If you haven’t see heard this song, oh how I envy you.

 Elegance is learned.

Today in Real Housewife Profiles: Ramona Singer

By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

Ramona is an amazing mammal. The first thing most people comment on are her eyes and how they bug out of her head, but I feel it isn’t right to criticize women’s appearances. Let’s just say she talks with her eyes the way some people talk with their hands. But the rest of the face does not move much, due to the wonderful relationship she has with her dermatologist.

Schmoozing.

Though she cannot help her eyes, in some cosmic way they must have shaped her bizarre personality. What she CAN help, however, is being kind of a crazy-ass b—-. She does that thing an over-tired 3 year old does when she laughs hysterically and segues into crying, gasping for air, needing a time out. She likes to claim that she’s sensitive, emotional, and loyal, and has a lot of other ways to rationalize throwing tantrums at fashion shows, ruining other Housewives’ parties, or trashing people on camera and asserting later that she’s just keeping it real and being true to herself.

As Ramona likes to say often, she is a “business woman.” She finds, as the unfortunate opening credits say every week, “making her own money an aphrodisiac.” No oysters for this lass – give her some bidness! Her and her husband Smoove Mario own some kind of tzchotzcke religious artifact company, and no doubt there is some cash in that (seriously, the weirdest stuff seems to make the most money). And in the past few seasons she has started more spin-off brands than I can keep track of. Tru-Renewal skin care. Another (same?) religious artifact jewelry company on Home Shopping Network. Her own Pinot Grigio. There is no one this woman will not collaborate with! She dresses well, works out a lot, and looks pretty great for 50 something (last season she claimed not to know exactly how old she was. She forgot!) Mario, a tanned cheese plate of a man who happens also to be a professional tennis player, and Ramona Really Love each other. I mean they really really love each other. At the end of last season these two geniuses decided to “renew their vows,” which gave the producers of the show the chance to film Ramona in a negligee looking Mario in the eyes and stating emphatically many times that her feelings for him have never been stronger. There were candles and flowers and champagne cooling in a bucket and this really ornate living room chaise lounge thing and they were being lovahs and basically leading each other off camera to have sex. It was some serious Susan Lucci s—.

It also gave Ramona the chance to channel a much younger Bridezilla and plan a serious wedding at a really fancy hotel, ask her non-comprehending daughter Avery to be her maid of honor, and have her dog walk down the aisle in a matching dress with said 13 year old daughter. Like Allison of Jill and Bawby, Avery is a shining beacon of accidental humor and levity, with her monotone, totally OMG teen voice and her withering takedowns of Ramona. Love her.

The actual ceremony was kind of lovely. As Ramona came down a spiral staircase in a flawless white gown and Mario made a goony smile at her like yeah, I’ll hit that later, yeahhhh, and the random officiant guy said something embarrassing and inappropriate on national television, I admit to being moved and yielding a single perfectly formed tear that rolled down my face, but did not ruin the flawless mask of makeup I always apply on Thursday nights to watch my program.

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