By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

Well that was torturous. Probably the most boring hour of drudgery I’ve forced myself to watch in a while. The wives seemed out of practice and concurrently more of their awful selves than ever. And my cable box actually went out for the first five minutes, as if to say, no no, no, don’t do it. Read those back issues of the Atlantic that have been piling up since 2004. Read the back of the cereal box. Read something. Anything.

But of course I watched.

And what did I learn?

Ramona whored herself out yet again, lending her name to a white wine she can quaff, and heightened her belligerence toward friends and strangers. Because she is a businesswoman, we get to see her interviewing some poor schmuckettes to be her assistant and abuse them beyond humor. I thought kids today were supposed to be media savvy. You’d think they could use Google and envision the montage Bravo would prepare of them before they agreed to be on camera. But no. Ramona had to be all Donald Trump and then say it’s a tough world out there and she’s doing these girls a favor by telling them they have bad skin and outfits. Ramona seriously sucks. She is dumb and mean.

We also saw Ramona being crabby in the morning in the Hamptons with Smoove Mario and houseguests Alex and Simon and being incapable of using a bagel knife. Which is a good thing, I think. Pinot grigio + aggro behavior + knife skills is never a good calculation, so let’s keep that cutlery away from Ramona.

Cindy, the new one. She seems ok, or comfortable on camera anyway. It’s definitely in the NYC demographic that she was able have her babies on her own and at an “older age,” though she doesn’t look any older than Bethenney, or Alex, or Kelly. All these housewives are sort of ageless. You could tell me any one of them is 35 or 55 and I would believe you. Cindy handled Jill’s yapping like she knows her way around a yenta– but come on, we all wanted to know the deal.

Besides the vaj spas, Cindy is a philanthopist, raising money for lots of causes, including cancer research. Good. Good. She’s friends with an artist with a bad perm who has a foot fetish. Good. Her brother’s name is Howie, and I’m sure we’ll see more of him. And she’s raising two baby girls on her own, with just a few paid people to help her. But she seems to be a self-made woman, so rock the hell on. I’m sure her children will be given the very best, and taught the wonderful lessons of laser vs. tweezing vs. waxing as soon as they have hair on their bodies.

Kelly was rather mellow, but had several snarky comments I enjoyed, such as “I don’t know if Simon and Alex are in the market to buy art, but they’ll come to the opening of an envelope.” Zing! Mostly she just played with her hair and repeated bumper sticker sayings she learned on the ashram – things like “It’s all good” and “with the help of my beautiful daughters,” and looked uncomprehending while Jill talked at her about closure and feelings and Bethenney and shapewear.

Speaking of Jill. Hilarious. The editors and Bravo love torturing her. She is such a hateful hag. “Bawby I gotta get Spanx with lace,” she yammered, getting out of the car at the Hamptons wedding. “I’m on the HONORARY committee,” she intoned in some kind of conversation about a march for same sex rights. Seriously, what the f— are you talking about? I loved it when in one scene she talks about how much she’s changed, how her values are intact and that she’s moved on since last season, and the very next she’s gossiping with two women at this wedding and saying, “That bitch Alex McCord is wearing ivory at a wedding – how dare she?” Great stuff.

Alex and Simon were very present in this episode. We learned that Alex has signed with a modeling agency and that Simon is her IT bitch. I relate to this, because my husband is my IT bitch. Hopefully that is where the similarities end. Alex was pretty strident, gulping wine and hanging out with the Ramonacoaster, which is a better idea that hanging out with Jill and LuAnn I suppose, but still, I say go smoke a bowl with Sonja and Cindy instead. Alex is definitely trying to assert herself all over the place this season, and it’s a bit much. She’s got something major to do with this March for Equality, which managed to get everyone hot and bothered about how important their names are to this particular cause, and gave us the treat of hearing Ramona slurrily discuss politics and same sex rights to marry. Leave it to these women to make an issue that has nothing to do with them …. about them. ACK.

By the way, who on earth would allow reality show cameras at their wedding? So intimate. So respectful of the institution of marriage. I’m glad all of these jackasses can get married and same sex couples can’t. Is this what Bravo is subtly trying to comment on here?

We saw Sonja and LuAnn on a weird double date with their lovahs. I had never seen LuAnn’s guy speak more than a “Oui, oui,” and he is straight out of central casting. LuAnn was not memorable in this episode and is probably boning up on her judgy McJudginess somewhere, or else in the recording studio getting ready to “drop” her next single. Can’t wait. And Sonja is very loose and languid and filled with sex and vulnerability. Her current flavor of the month is an artist who she introduces to “hedge fund guys who will buy his paintings.” Hmm. I’m sure he is filled with self-regard after watching himself in this episode. Honestly though, its refreshing to see women have the power to put men in these situations occasionally. If I wasn’t so tired right now, perhaps I could find a feminist perspective for the Housewives. But I need to go for a walk now.

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