By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger*

Ramona is an amazing mammal. The first thing most people comment on are her eyes and how they bug out of her head, but I feel it isn’t right to criticize women’s appearances. Let’s just say she talks with her eyes the way some people talk with their hands. But the rest of the face does not move much, due to the wonderful relationship she has with her dermatologist.

Though she cannot help her eyes, in some cosmic way they must have shaped her bizarre personality. What she CAN help, however, is being kind of a crazy-ass b—-. She does that thing an over-tired 3 year old does when she laughs hysterically and segues into crying, gasping for air, needing a time out. She likes to claim that she’s sensitive, emotional, and loyal, and has a lot of other ways to rationalize throwing tantrums at fashion shows, ruining other Housewives’ parties, or trashing people on camera and asserting later that she’s just keeping it real and being true to herself.

As Ramona likes to say often, she is a “business woman.” She finds, as the unfortunate opening credits say every week, “making her own money an aphrodisiac.” No oysters for this lass – give her some bidness! Her and her husband Smoove Mario own some kind of tzchotzcke religious artifact company, and no doubt there is some cash in that (seriously, the weirdest stuff seems to make the most money). And in the past few seasons she has started more spin-off brands than I can keep track of. Tru-Renewal skin care. Another (same?) religious artifact jewelry company on Home Shopping Network. Her own Pinot Grigio. There is no one this woman will not collaborate with! She dresses well, works out a lot, and looks pretty great for 50 something (last season she claimed not to know exactly how old she was. She forgot!) Mario, a tanned cheese plate of a man who happens also to be a professional tennis player, and Ramona Really Love each other. I mean they really really love each other. At the end of last season these two geniuses decided to “renew their vows,” which gave the producers of the show the chance to film Ramona in a negligee looking Mario in the eyes and stating emphatically many times that her feelings for him have never been stronger. There were candles and flowers and champagne cooling in a bucket and this really ornate living room chaise lounge thing and they were being lovahs and basically leading each other off camera to have sex. It was some serious Susan Lucci s—.

It also gave Ramona the chance to channel a much younger Bridezilla and plan a serious wedding at a really fancy hotel, ask her non-comprehending daughter Avery to be her maid of honor, and have her dog walk down the aisle in a matching dress with said 13 year old daughter. Like Allison of Jill and Bawby, Avery is a shining beacon of accidental humor and levity, with her monotone, totally OMG teen voice and her withering takedowns of Ramona. Love her.

The actual ceremony was kind of lovely. As Ramona came down a spiral staircase in a flawless white gown and Mario made a goony smile at her like yeah, I’ll hit that later, yeahhhh, and the random officiant guy said something embarrassing and inappropriate on national television, I admit to being moved and yielding a single perfectly formed tear that rolled down my face, but did not ruin the flawless mask of makeup I always apply on Thursday nights to watch my program.

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