By Sheer Elegance, GTOG Special Guest Blogger

OMG Event planning! Ramona Avery and LuAnn Victoria are both turning sixteen and are planning Super Sweet Sixteen parties. “Man, you definitely look like you’re more than sixteen,” says Anthony, LuAnn’s creepy event planner. Avery is bitchy. “Mom, it’s not your party! I need 10, 000 square feet. You can have, like five guests.” LuAnn just wants her daughter to have a simple little party, you know, like at a nightclub in Manhattan called Arena, because, “It’s like an arena.” Avery does not want a winter wonderland theme. She does not want performers, because it will seem like a Bat Mitzvah. She likes control and she does not like break dancing. She doesn’t, like, want a Hollywood theme. Anthony suggests an ice luge with mocktails sliding down it for Victoria. She seems into it.

Avery is a stone cold killer, while Victoria seems more shy and grateful to her mom. I am having palpitations watching these Housewife mothers with their Housewife daughters. I want my 4 year old to never grow, ever.

Sonja comes to Jill’s dermatologist’s office to meet with Jill’s sister the lawyer about her bankruptcy problems. I too like to conduct all my meetings at my dermatologist. It’s just convenient, and I like the chairs.

Poor Sonja. “I’m a lover, a gardener, a hostess. I’m not Donald Trump filing chapter 11.” Jill’s sister is good on TV and good at explaining money stuff. I suspect she’ll have a show soon on Bravo. Meeting over. Let’s go watch Jill get a “liquid facelift” by getting needles stuck up to her brain by a name brand doctor. “Ok, let’s enjoy ourselves,” Sonja says, ironically. Sister still got her sense of humor. Ouchie! That looks like it fucking kills. The dermatologist loves loves loves loves doing it. It makes her so happy. Sorry, that is just a strange thing to say. Maybe she loves the way her patients look afterwards, but can she really like the process? Can you imagine a pediatrician saying, “I love giving these shots to kids!” Is it really worth getting this for free Jill? Gross.

LuAnn and Cindy are planning a surprise party at Chez Josephine, a restaurant run by Elton John. Bawby is here in one of his new suits Jill picked out for him last week. Bawby!!

Ramona invites LuAnn to Avery’s party and seems surprised that Luann is having her daughter’s party on the same night. She is being competitive with her number of guests and undermining LuAnn left and right. Luann tries to pass her off to the magician and Ramona is incredibly rude to him – talking over him as he attempts to his sad little tricks. Here comes Simon wearing a caftan made with Zarin fabrics! Murray Hill the drag king says he’s dressed like a lesbian, which Ramona finds high-larious.

Everyone thinks its Jill coming through the door but false alarm, its only Howie’s girlfriend making a face like she swallowed something in the car on the way over. Oh hi Howie. But now here’s Jill and her hag friend from the Island and their liquid facelifts. She’s surprised! Thought she was going to see a show. “Look what Bawby bought me.” Giant freaking diamonds. She is totally dying right now.

And here is Ramona, undermining in the confessional. The party sucked. The room was narrow, uncomfortable, and she couldn’t talk to people.

Jacques tinkling the keys of the piano. Cindy is funny. Does a nice toast, she’s comfortable in that setting. This is the candle lighting at Bat Mitzvah party Avery did not want. Here’s weirdo Kelly apologizing about the surprise and being late. Look, there’s Michael Musto! Babwy’s toast: “You’re my wife, my lovah, and my best friend. Come mere baby! Kiss and a hug.”

Ramona is typing on her blackberry – “this party needs a jump start.” She puts on a red wig she pulled out of Kelly’s Dora the Explorer Backpack and does a vengeful imitation of Jill. “Bawby, my diamonds aren’t big enough.” While true, it’s not “classy” at all. Pretty mean. Everyone else is being nice. Jill does not like this imitation.

Here comes LuAnn down the stairs in a strapless dress with a giant peacock on her head. She is singing a song she wrote about Jill and channeling Josephine Baker. A huge “woman man” Ramona calls her. “What a bee-yoo-tiful voice” says Jill. Her voice is awful. As far as Housewife parties go, this one looks kind of fun. They seem to be having a good time for once.

LuAnn takes Victoria shopping for a dress, but can’t help picking up something for herself. She’s being ok tonight — self-aware at least for once. Victoria tries on a lot of slutty dresses and settles on one.

Back in Brooklyn, an awesome schlumpy Brooklyn hypnotist with an unspecified accent comes to see Simon and Alex. Simon has tried a couple of times to quit smoking and this guy is here to help. Alex looks skeptical but is going along with it. Simon has to go have one more cigarette before getting hypnotized, which is strange, but addiction is like that I suppose. Simon is doing it for the boys. Alex knows nagging doesn’t work but that doesn’t mean it stops wives like me from trying.

Hypnotist hypnotizes. I’m surprised he doesn’t dangle a giant pocket watch in front of Simon’s face and say, “you are getting very very sleepy.” Simon slumps over and the hypnotist starts yelling at Simon, “You are a non-smoker!” I love this guy! I want him to come over and yell at me that eating Swedish fish is bad. Simon wakes up and feels like there is a yucky taste in his mouth from the cigs. Alex looks surprised and skeptical. They embrace, to new beginnings. Simon looks not so good so lets hope he is taking care of his weird self and that it isn’t just cigarettes he is abusing.

Next scene is Avery and her friends going to a new restaurant. They walk down the street arm in arm and sit at the table and eat pizza and talk about the party. They seem very glossy and mature and Gossip Girly. Avery basically says that anybody who is anybody from the city is coming to the party. Her BFF saw the guest list and seems to approve, especially since “David” is coming. Ramona tells us in a confessional that Avery has an elite group of friends. And get Justin Beiber to come, one of the Housewives in Training says. Or Katy Perry. Jesus. Elite group indeed.

Cindy and Alex are working out with Cindy’s adorable trainer, which is great, except that Cindy has a stinky hoody. She looks great for having such little kids. She must work out hard and expensively. Cindy doesn’t really seem to get bothered by much. I think I would like to be friends with her and meet her trainer.

Into Avery’s party which is being set up for the night. Avery squeals with her BFF about the furniture and the décor but everyone is afraid of lawsuits so they call off this really exciting fake snow that the party planners were so psyched about. Ramona – who is afraid of no one — looks totally scared of Avery, and I would be too. She is so happy that Avery is happy, but almost as if she is the personal assistant to Mariah Carey or something, like she can never please her and she finally got her to get excited for five minutes.

Mario is very conservative and doesn’t want there to be beds at the party, which really is a natural fit for sixteen year olds. Ramona has convinced him that these are seating. I’m sure Mario knows his way around a cabana bed. He seems much more wary of the cameras than he used to a few seasons ago – I wonder what’s going on behind the scenes here. Ramona is worried about the wine. Hey, event planner lady who looks constantly exasperated, where is that goddamned wine? Seriously. This is going to cost as much as a wedding! How is Ramona this rich again???? She’s very nervous about the wine. She dials a random number on her blackberry and asks for the Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio and um, some vodka. Too bad its Jill’s dermatologist and not the liquor store on Park and 82nd.

Victoria’s party. I’m so excited that the music producer from LuAnn’s single is DJing! Sweet! I think I spotted him at Jill’s surprise party too. Victoria has no problem with performers – people are hanging from the ceiling and juggling. FYI Avery, it doesn’t feel at all like a Bat Mitzvah. Kelly gives her a box of something and has a great Kellyism in a confessional. “Victoria is a cool girl. If she’s not like a Marc Jacobs muse or working for French Vogue in five years, then I don’t know anything.” OMG.

Avery is on the way to her party in the pre-requisite limo with her friends. Their dresses are crazy short, their hair and make-up professional.

The two parties happen to be on the same night, so the Housewives must choose between them. So contrived. Jill and Kelly go first to Victoria’s and arrive next at Ramona’s. Jill makes a dig right away that she’s never seen an adult section at a party like this and its only for impressing Ramona’s fancy friends. I can see Jill doing the exact same thing. If there hadn’t been a separate section she would have been dissing on her for that. “Its just not done that the adults should mingle with the kids. They should have their own section.” She really is a hater.

Though Avery’s is rather opulent, fancier than most weddings. Lots of lighting design and white leather furniture. Sonja looks glamorous but a bit worn. Came to the party with the adult section. I don’t blame her. Its February in New York and bitch is broke. Jill to the catering guy “no napkins – how could you have no napkins?” Looking for a fight this one is.

Ramona is feeling competitive. Wants to know what the theme was at LuAnn’s from the ladies who went there first. She argues with Jill about whether Ramona created a club from this loft space and if it’s different than just booking the party in an actual club. The editors of this show are so naughty. They show Ramona saying, “Why would I have a party in a club when Avery can’t be in a club for another 5 years.” And right as she says in a voiceover, “it sends a mixed message,” they show her nervously at the party taking a gulp of her wine.

Then Avery tells Kelly that she wants Ramona and her friends out of there. She’s does a verbal eye roll every time she opens her mouth. Kelly steps in to tell Ramona to get the hell out of Avery’s space that Ramona probably paid 500,000 dollars for.

Victoria seems to be having slightly more fun than Avery, but it could just be that she’s hammered. Her party looks more like an actual party than the stage-managed one Ramona Avery is hosting. Part of what’s weird about Avery’s is there’s no music, and there’s too much space. No one is yelling, or dancing. Just posing for professional photographers. Crazy how Avery knows exactly what to do in front of them. The right smile and hip pivot. Scary. She probably already has a line of party planning jewelry or something that she’s working on.

What’s this? Bawby has had a few drinks and is getting up in it with Simon! “Peace and love is my mantra,” he says to Simon. I’ve never heard Babwy talk so much. Look at his Jewish Mafia style, those glasses, that hair. “We had dinner, we love the kids. The girls had a rough patch.” God I love his intonation – it is so familiar. “An internet blog, a hate blog, hate mongers.” One of those Internet bloggity things. He is sort of telling Simon off and Simon is likely lying. Not sure what is going on but here comes Smoove Mario to smoove it over. I’m sure we’ll hear more about the hate mongers and Simon’s general grossness next week. “To peace, love and health,” says Bawby.

For the record, I would have preferred Victoria’s party with the ice luges and the Ecstasy brought in by Lu’s music producer with the mohawk. Having Jill complain about the steak tartar and how the lighting design was over the top/not sophisticated enough would have been a huge drag. Though I would have attended either affair if only to give Bawby a hug and smell his Drakkar Noir aftershave.

Peace, love, health.