Tonight the girls had glimmers of being normal and kind of fun to hang out with, possibly because they got out of the luxurious riad and got to do more touristy Morocco stuff. Like visit a souk and not get robbed, get rubbed down at a hamam, stepped on by camel toes and eat food that would give them the runs. It was nice to see them enjoy like 10 minutes of their trip – a rarity for this bickering bunch of beyotches.
We open with the fortune-teller cliffhanger from last week. Everyone is reeling that Smoove Mario is having an affair, everyone except Ramona, who seems to waver between participating in these ridiculous storylines and plumping them up by acting unhinged and then turning around with a smile to promote her products.
Kelly actually seems kind of normal this episode (“kind of” is relative) and is trying not to make everything worse by translating the fortune teller’s news very directly so she doesn’t get accused of distorting information.
There’s a lot of whispering and people taking people aside. The woman who is now Brad’s new gay wife takes Ramona under an archway and they start gossiping about how LuAnn is always trying to get it on with Mario.
Sonja is drunk and crying and has some gas. Oh boy she is a hot mess. She’s the Kelly of this vacation. Her husband JP Morgan had an affair that led to their divorce and she is projecting that onto Ramona. They sit down on Moroccan cushions to discuss. First Ramona is really nasty to her while she blubbers beside her – “Sonja, he was your fourth husband – what did you expect?” And “I didn’t marry for money Sonja, I married for love.” Sonja just keeps crying and then Ramona turns nice and kind and supportive of her. Ramona seems sober, which is a good call.
Oh Alex, what are those shorts? Just really hard to pull off blue sequined shorts with white stars on them. They kind of look like something the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders would wear to their Fall Formal. Not a good idea.
Going to the souk, Jill is channeling her inner Long Island mom. She has an awesome fanny pack. Her idea is the more frump, the less possibility of being robbed by Moroccan gypsies. Sonja is the most paranoid and the most ostentatiously dressed, in a weird white hat that must have needed its own suitcase. Practical!
Cindy is trying to scrap with Sonja over saving seats in the van on the way to the souk. Really important stuff here. Sonja needs to up her Xanax dosage. Something is really off about her tonight. Cindy won’t let Sonja disrespect her on camera and I can’t really blame her. She’s like a dog with a bone and keeps getting in Sonja’s face. “What kind of breeding do you have?” Cindy demands. Sonja has never had anyone talk to her like that!
Kelly is trying to make peace betwixt Sonja and the Cindz. Chillax ladies, she says. This is the trip of a lifetime. Sure, but these are the houswivitties so I’m siding with Cindy. Sonja is like a caricature and is being super catty to Cindy who is doing a lot of this “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS???” thing lately. Getting a bit tired. Mountain out of a molehill is brought out of the storage closet. Is this self-referential?
Regarding Cindy, Sonja says “I’m not having tea with her again – it’s a dead end.” Sonja does have some good lines. Check out Mustafa getting up in the housewife mix. Hilarious. Anyway, the souk is cool and there are lots of scarves and spices and aromas and sounds and statement jewelry to buy. As Liz Lemon would say, I want to go to there.
Now we are in the desert for a camel ride. Certainly Alex is making some interesting fashion choices. LuAnn calls her a lion tamer. I think she looks more like Amelia Earhart.
Kelly is having fun – she’s squealing like a 10 year old being allowed a last minute sleepover, but she seems genuinely excited to be in the desert. Sonja is scared to go on the camel because she’s a wreck and its her time of the month. Alex says she thinks Sonja’s being erratic. True dat.
Loving Jill’s white tennis shoes with the purple caftan. Where’s the fanny pack? And the white clip in her hair!! Its 1986 at summer camp for Jillzy!
LuAnn’s camel just freaked out and she’s trying to be calm about it. That camel is not trained says Ramona, the camel expert. It probably freaked out because it knows this is television, not film, as these are the same camels that worked on the Sex and the City Movie. These camels don’t usually get out of bed for television but its been a rough year.
There is some talk of ululating, and then …. A mirage. A tent in the desert.
Sonja hasn’t seen a tent like this since the King of Saudi Arabia invited her to his tent after the Gulf War. I don’t even know what to do with her non-sequiturs anymore.
The ladies go into the beautiful tent, laden with tagines and couscous and pita bread and whatever and play another building self esteem summer camp game called “Things You Don’t Know About Me.” Kind of fun, kind of awkward.
Like did YOU know:
Luann had six brothers and sisters?
Cindy started working when she was 12 selling socks at the flea market?
Bawby has really clean feet — no calluses?
Mario’s mom lived with Mario and Ramona for the first 10 years of marriage? (too bad there were no reality shows then – that sounds AMAZING!)
Kelly went to high school with only 20 people?
Alex’s dad died when she was 11 from Alzheimer’s?
Sonja has a long digression about how she gardens and does yoga. She spends a lot of time alone. What is she getting at? Is she high?
Cindy can’t really deal. She needs to be alone. Jillsy — nice face when Ramona says she respects everyone. Cindy does not like this.
Somewhere in there, Alex is skyping with Simon. They do a lot of skyping. Sexy skyping ew.
Now the brunettes are going to a gorgeous hamam to soak in the crystal streams and get massaged “everywhere.” Why am I not there? It looks amazing.
Kelly wants to know, who built this hammam, how long did it take? Was there a design?
An elaborate tea is drawn up with much ceremony. Jill takes a sip and says, “It tastes like Wrigley’s spearmint gum doesn’t it. I’m mortified again.
The Upper East Side blondes are in the van on the way to the hamam talking about diarrhea and pooping. I’m sure their moms are proud. There is entirely too much doody talk. I watch television to avoid doody talk.
Ramona is swimming in the magical waters of the hammam clad in a sexy 80’s cutaway bathing suit. How old is she again? Is this the fountain of youth?? She and Jill are gearing up for their “talk,” later on, which is just so stagey and will obviously not go well. Why do Ramona and Jill even have to talk? Do we really need them to be friends?
Sonja and Cindy are trying to make up. Cindy accepts Sonja’s apology because she has just had a 5-hour full body massage and how can you possibly care about anything in that state of mind?
Later, back at the riad…..
Clink clink, clink, here comes Jill with her icy diet coke to talk to Ramona.
Ramona has all her jewelry out on display like she’s going to sell it to Jill. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?
They are both quickly teary. Their conversation is hard to follow, and I actually follow this stupid s&^t. Ramona is bringing up a lot of stuff that Jill has said in the past. We all wear two faces says Jill. It’s one face versus two.
Jill wants to know why Ramona tried to ruin her life. How? Wha happen?
Ramona seems like she’s been in a lot of therapy. Your tone is angry, says Ramona like she’s watched Barbra Streisand in “The Prince of Tides” many times.
Oh, of course, its back to St. John – Jill blames Ramona for not helping work things out with Bethenney. But Ramona blames LuAnn for dragging Jill from her apartment when she tried to bring Jill and Bethenney together. Remember that Jill? You felt “ambushed?”
They are starting to go bananas. Oy, they are not listening to each other and just yelling that the other is not listening. This is so hard to understand because of the editing and I will not, cannot watch it again. Screaming.
Overheard: It’s not about you. But it’s not about YOU!
Jill does seem like she’s still blaming everyone else for her failure to amend things Bethenney. She will never let this go apparently. Letting go seems to have worked out pretty well for Bethenney. Jill might consider it.
Jill storms out and is overheard saying, “get me a phone. I need to call Bawby. I’m having a heart attack.” Ramona is left alone fake sobbing on her bed wearing yellow strappy hooker shoes.
So, the talk didn’t go so well.
See you in a couple days for the finale and then the reunion shows!!!